Humor is a
huge part of living a full life, and there's nothing like a good laugh
every now and then.
We present these pages with no plan in mind--no
structure or organization,
no categorization--just fun stuff that we think
Microsoft Built Cars
(This is a
supposed report. We give no guarantees concerning its truth.)
At a recent computer Expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with
the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 100 miles per gallon."
Recently General Motors
addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes,
but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Here are some more reasons we
may not want Microsoft in the car business:
1. Every time they
repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason, and you would just have to accept this, restart, and drive
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to
stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For
some strange reason, you would accept this, too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless
you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then
you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would run
on only five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft
upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas, and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seat would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?"
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea
11. Some fuel from some stations would work for your car, but
other fuel from other stations would cause it to freeze up.
young couple was called to heaven before they could be
married. The disappointed groom took St. Peter
aside and asked him if it was still possible for them to
"I'm afraid you'll have to wait," St.
Peter replied. "Check back after five years,
and if you still want to be married, we'll talk about
it." Five years passed and the couple came
back, repeating their request.
"Sorry, you must wait another five
years," St. Peter told them. Fortunately,
after the wait St. Peter said they could be
married. The wedding was beautiful and at first
the couple was happy, but then they realized they had
made a mistake. They went to see St. Peter again,
this time to ask for a divorce.
"What?" St. Peter asked. "It
took us ten years to find a minister in heaven, and now
you want a lawyer?"
hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost
and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to
end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be
the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek,
that's a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of
12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
for Managers and Bosses
Never give me work in the morning.
Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.
The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me
every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going.
That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every
Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don't open the door for me.
I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic
and opening doors with no arms is good training.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late.
I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.
If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone.
I like my name to be popular in conversations.
I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
No use confusing me with useful information.
Never introduce me to the people you're with.
I have no right to know anything.
In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.
When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify
Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you
could really change your life and send you straight to manager's
Tell me all your little problems.
No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes
on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD
Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living
I'm not here for the money anyway.
Might Be a Caffeine Addict If...
Starbucks has decided to use you as their official mascot.
You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the
You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.
You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.
Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the
You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee
You can't remember the last time you blinked.
The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.
Your dog's name is Folgers.
You see nothing wrong with using water joe (caffeinated water)
to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze.
You could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food,
as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.
You dip your own espresso beans.
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Fully®, all rights reserved.
expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while
their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man,
you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious
pride. "I work for the
Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man,
are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence " he
answered. "I work for the
3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around,
came back. This time, she turned to the 3rd man, who had been quiet
corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to
Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe
it, I work
for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who
just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side
and, after some
time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him
repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up;
I should have never taken that job at 7-Up;
I should have never taken that job at 7-Up. . . ."