The dictionary
claims that "to resent" is "to take strong exception to
(what is thought to be unjust, unfair, etc.)," but I feel that
resentment goes much further than that. If I were to define
resentment, the definition would be very similar to those of other words
found here in the obstacles section: A poison emotion that eats away
at a person's peace of mind, mental well-being, and ability to treat
others well. Resentment is a lack of acceptance and a lack of
forgiveness. Resentment says volumes about the person who resents,
but very little about the people or actions that are resented.
It's very easy
to fall into the trap of resentment--other people put us in position to do
so almost daily when they do things that are unthinking or uncaring.
Someone else may get the job or the admission into a school even though
you're far more qualified; someone may not invite you to a party to which
they've invited everyone else; someone else may meet with great success
even though they don't work nearly as hard as we do; someone may say
something rude to us or about us behind our backs. But what do all
these things mean? These are all other people's actions, reflections
of other people's personalities or abilities, yet we allow them to cause
us to become resentful.
Where resentment
is concerned, I like to keep in mind Earl Nightingale's words: the
world doesn't care. When I first heard those words, I took immediate
exception. I don't believe this world is an uncaring place.
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But he follows them up by saying that the world is impartial, and I have
to agree with that. We are what we are, and we aren't what we
aren't, and no amount of resentment is going to change that. Let the
world go on without that promotion or with those words having been said
about you--on the day you die, these things will mean nothing at
all. Why allow them to mean something today? Why allow them to
rob you of the peace of mind that may make this day very pleasant?
The cloud of resentment (much like the cloud of anger or jealousy or
covetousness) blocks out the sunshine; it's a wall that prevents the soft
spring breeze from reaching your skin.
Of course, this
is all easy to say. I've had times in my life when I've been quite
resentful of things that have happened that have hurt me considerably,
both emotionally and financially. I've held on to the resentment
against the people who did what they did for quite a long time--months,
even years, even though I tried very hard, on a very conscious level, to
rid myself of the feelings. No matter how hard I tried, though, the
feelings stayed, and they always crept back into my mind to haunt me. They
made me miserable, and I didn't know how to deal with them.
One of the
biggest steps that helped me finally to rid myself of the thoughts had to
do with ceremony. As human beings, we need certain ceremonies to
allow certain feelings to pass; therein lies the value of funerals,
wakes, weddings, etc. We begin anew, allowing the ceremony to serve
as a right of passage from our old world into our new. I devised a
very simple ceremony, which involved another step--forgiveness. I
wrote down the names of the people who had harmed me on a very small piece
of paper, and one day when I was driving down the highway, I took each
paper, looked at the name, thought of the person, then said aloud:
"I forgive you, and I don't allow your actions to have any more power
over my life." I then threw the piece of paper out the window
of my car, never to be seen again. If I had been in a more spiteful
or vindictive mood, I suppose I might have flushed the pieces of paper
down the toilet, claiming poetic justice, but that probably wouldn't have
been as effective.
The other
principal that came into play in that situation was acceptance, which has
a lot to do with faith. Things were as they were, and I had to
accept that. I had tried to fight the situation, but I had been for
the most part unsuccessful (until some time later, when all of my claims
were proven true). I had to realize that what happens in life
happens for my best--my faith in God guarantees that. Even when
things go "wrong," they're going for the best--what's
"right" for me may not be the best for me in the long run.
If I accept things as they are and as they have been, I can focus on today
instead of obsessing about the past, even if it's the very recent
past.
People who hold
on to resentment are hurting themselves a great deal, and they usually
don't even see it. They're poisoning their minds and their bodies
with stress and negative feelings, and they're holding back the happiness
and contentment and peace of mind that could be theirs if they could only
get rid of the clouds and the walls that are holding the positive things
back. It's not easy to rid yourself of resentment, but always
remember--the person you resent is going through a great deal of pain him
or herself. As Longfellow says, "If we could read the secret
history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and
suffering enough to disarm all hostility." Or resentment, I
add.
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