The envious side of jealousy has been covered on the "envy" page--envy is a reflection of our dissatisfaction with ourselves, our desire to be like someone else or have the things that someone else has.  The dictionary's definition of jealousy is interesting, though, in the fact that it includes the concepts of fear and suspicion, two other elements of life that definitely keep us from getting the most of our lives.  I may be jealous of the newcomer in the office because I'm afraid that he or she is going to take my job, because I see qualities in that person that I don't see in myself.  Or I may be afraid that my wife or girlfriend is going to like this new man she just met better than she likes me, again because of qualities that I see in that person that I don't see in myself.

Which brings us to the second element of jealousy, the one that's incredibly common among people--the "zealous" desire to maintain a relationship.  The jealous person is a horrible person to be in a relationship with, for that person shows no trust at all in his or her partner.  While the jealous person sees his or her actions (which are covetous) as a sign of his or her love, everyone else sees the actions as the obsessive traits that they are--an obsessive desire to possess, beyond any doubt, another person.

I've known women who wouldn't even talk to any men at all because they were afraid of what their boyfriends or husbands would do if they found out that "their woman" was talking to another guy.  These women were, without exception, isolated and lonely and unhappy, but they were also unwilling to leave their partners--mostly because of fear.  The obvious fear was of what their boyfriends or husbands would do, but there was also a fear of being alone there; they were afraid that they might not find another man to be with, and they were unwilling to risk loneliness.

The jealousy of their partners was ruining their lives, but I also have to wonder just how happy the jealous men were.  Yes, they had their "possessions"--their women--but what else did they have?  They certainly didn't have peace of mind, and they had no trust at all.  They had a partner who stayed with them more out of fear than out of love or respect, and they were alienating many people by their jealousy.

Of course, there are explanations for their jealousy.  Maybe they didn't have much when they were kids, and they're afraid of losing things now.  Maybe because of situations in their past they  have a need to control now.  But no explanation can take away the fact that they're making themselves and others unhappy now, today.  An alcoholic's abusive childhood may explain behavior, but the explanation can't bring back the family the was killed when the alcoholic was driving drunk.  The jealous person needs to learn trust--most of all, trust in him or herself, trust that he or she is a worthwhile individual who deserves love and respect, and who will receive it as a matter of course from decent people who love and respect others.

Many jealous people, I've noticed, tend to surround themselves with untrustworthy people.  Maybe this is a way of perpetuating or justifying or rationalizing their jealousy, allowing it to continue unabated.  Maybe it's a reflection of what they think of themselves--since they don't trust themselves, they can't trust others, and being around untrustworthy people allows them to feel that their lack of trust is normal.  No matter what, though, these jealous people are hurting themselves and others--sometimes even physically--and if unchecked, jealousy is always a damaging factor in our lives.  My hope is that the jealous people will learn to love and trust themselves as the great people they were created to be, and allow that trust to spill over to others in their lives.

The jealous are troublesome to others,
but torment to themselves.

William Penn

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

H.G. Wells