Of course, desire has its dark side, especially when it degenerates into covetousness or envy. These traits (for lack of a better word) are extremely destructive, and they definitely hold one back from getting the most out of life. But another dark side of desire has to do with the objects of our desire, and literature is full of examples of characters who have desired the wrong thing and ended up hurting themselves and others because they've focused so strongly on their own desires and on achieving those desires.

An extremely good example of this occurs in the film Dead Poets Society. In this film, one character's father desires one thing of his son: that he go on to medical school and become a doctor. Because he's so focused on having this desire become reality, he completely disregards his son's desires for his own life, and his son ends up killing himself because he sees no hope for a future that he desires.

But it goes further than that. The father's desire obviously isn't just that his son become a doctor. The father also desires to be proud of his son, but on his own terms. The father also desires the approval of his peers and colleagues--he wants his son to be a doctor so that these people will look favorably upon him, the father, and the great job he's done raising his son to enter such a noble (and lucrative) profession. He also desires to be in control, and seeing his son do things that he hasn't sanctioned, such as act in a play or be on the yearbook staff, takes away much of that control, and he can't stand the idea of losing it.

People also have problems when they desire things that are inaccessible. Advertising plays a large part in this problem, for advertising exists to a large extent to create desire in an audience. The person who desires a new BMW, but who makes on $25,000 a year, often finds the beauty of life somehow diminished due to the lack of a particular car in his or her life (and yes, I have known such people). A major problem arises when that person goes ahead and buys the car even though he or she can't afford it--life is now full of money problems that just weren't there before the purchase. The desire for an object has added stress and strain to a life, and to the lives of that person's family members.

I married very late, and for a very long time, I desired nothing more than to be married. Because of this desire, I often approached relationships in a very forced way, a very unsure way. I hardly allowed myself to be myself, always trying to fit some role, even though I was trying to be myself. It wasn't until I let go of the desire to be married and forced myself to deal with every new woman that I met as a potential friend, not a potential wife, that I was able to act much more naturally. it wasn't long after I had made that shift in my thinking that I met my wife, and we were married a year later. My desire for marriage was natural, but because I had allowed it to be so strong and to control my actions, it affected the way I treated people, and thus affected me in a very negative way.

There's nothing wrong with desire; in fact, it's inherently wonderful. Desire causes us to work harder to achieve goals. But we must be sure that the objects of our desire are attainable, and if they're not, then we must admit that to ourselves. Sometimes those things that we desire are the things that turn out to be the most harmful to us and others. If you desire something unattainable or inappropriate, admit that desire to yourself, but also acknowledge that acting to fulfill that desire would be very inappropriate and harmful. If you desire something appropriate and attainable, go for it--and good luck in getting it.

Each desire. . . causes us to act and think in ways that result in yet even more desires and cravings.  Like a dog running after its own tail, cause and effect chase each other around in circles.  "But," you may be asking, "don't we need to desire things?"

It is certainly true that not all desires are equal in terms of how they create suffering.  Some desires, of course, are simply a matter of preference that might not really make much of a difference.  Wanting to paint your house pink instead of brown will not harm anyone--except maybe the fashion police.

And yes, there definitely are many good desires.  For example, without the desire for food we would not stay alive.  It is when our desire becomes an unquenchable craving or obsession, or causes us to do harm to ourselves or others, that it creates suffering and unhappiness.  If you have ever been hurt because you tied your happiness or well-being to a person, place, opinion, self-identity, behavior, or goal, then you have firsthand experience of desire.

Donald Altman