our second page of jokes

Humor--Just for Fun!!!

Humor is a huge part of living a full life, and there's nothing like a good laugh every now and then.
We present these pages with no plan in mind--no structure or organization,
no categorization--just fun stuff that we think you'll like.

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One night a wife found her husband standing over their infant's crib.
As she watched him looking down at their very first baby,
she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight,
amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused,
with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her
husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody
can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps to test the equipment. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.
The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what's a 'pinata'?"

ONE LINERS

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

   The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
   "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
   The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.
   "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
   "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
   Everyone agreed it was a good idea.
   The call was made.
   Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
   The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
   "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.
   "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
   "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
   "There's bad news?", the Pope asked.
   "Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

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An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the
Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.
The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch."

This is supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!)

   "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
   "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
   "What sort of trouble?"
   "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
   "Went away?"
   "They disappeared."
   "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
   "Nothing."
   "Nothing?"
   "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
   "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
   "How do I tell?"
   "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
   "What's a sea-prompt?"
   "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
   "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
   "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
   "What's a monitor?
   "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
   "I don't know."
   "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
   "Yes, I think so."
   "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
   "Yes, it is."
   "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
   "No."
   "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
   "Okay, here it is."
   "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
   "I can't reach."
   "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
   "No."
   "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
   "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
   "Dark?"
   "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
   "Well, turn on the office light then."
   "I can't."
   "No? Why not?"
   "Because there's a power failure."
   "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
   "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
   "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
   "Really? Is it that bad?"
   "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
   "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
   "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Two snakes were wiggling along the side of the road when the first little
snake turned to the second larger snake and asked, "Are we poisonous?"

"Why?" asked the second larger snake.

"Because," said the little snake, "I just bit my lip!"

Getting older

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table and then said, "That must be the door. I'll get it."

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been
married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

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