Reality
is what I "come up against," what takes me by
surprise, the other-than-myself which pulls me up and obliges me
to reckon with it and adjust myself to it because it will not
consent simply to adjust itself to me. -John
Baillie
It's not enough to be
right. That's too little. It's also important to be
strong. The history of the world shows that more often
people who were right lost than won. -
Andrzej Milczanowski
There
is wisdom in knowing how to play, to touch lightly, uninvolved
and uncommitted, on what is pleasurable. -
Aelred
Graham
We
cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand
fibers connect us with our fellow humans.
-
Herman
Melville
Physicists play with mathematical formulas while
architects play with order, form, and space. Real
estate brokers play with personalities, properties, and
proposals; researchers with computers, software, and
databases; and musicians with notes, rhythm, and
harmony. More personally, when any of us write a
letter or a business report, we play with words, themes,
and ideas. In cooking we play with recipes, tastes,
and textures; while paying the bills we may play with
numbers, priorities, and percentages. In fact, a
great deal of what we do is creatively playing with
something, no matter how serious we imagine it to be at
the time.
Play is a basic component of work and relationships.
It is one of the most poignant ways of expressing a
passion for life. Furthermore, it is a natural
behavior. Watch a kitten pounce on a ball of yarn or
two puppies or children wrestle and the natural instinct
to play is obvious.
Research psychologist Harry Harlow did some famous studies
with monkeys in which he concluded that play enables
monkeys to develop the necessary social and emotional
skills required for successful functioning. He also
found that monkeys that are prevented from playing with
other monkeys become seriously ill.
And
Gregory Bateson, a biologist and anthropologist, tells of
a strategy he used to discover whether or not animals
would initiate play with humans.
He sat quietly in a
pool and watched as a dolphin started playing with him by
putting her beak under his arm. Next she swam around
to sit on his lap to initiate their playing and swimming
together. Evidently animals have an urge to enjoy
and show it by playing in ways that are similar to ours.
Humans also play naturally. Babies play in bathtubs
with rubber duckies; children swing in the parks.
Teenagers at dances and adults at barbeques frequently end
up smiling, joking, and having fun with each other.
Even at work, the tendency to play often surfaces with
jokes around the water cooler or coffeepot due to the
playful spirit within each of us.
When people experience their playful spirit within, they
take an almost childlike delight in life. They are
open to the unexpected in the present moment and are
optimistic about the future. When in touch with the
playful spirit, they have a sense of humor, can laugh at
themselves and even laugh in tough situations. When
people let their playful spirits out, they are trusting
enough to be spontaneous without acting artificial or
defensive. They feel confident and comfortable and
enjoy playful interchanges with others.
This playfulness is an expression of the natural Child
within that enjoys laughter without planning and
practice. The inner Child, doing what it wants to
do, naturally enjoys fooling around, acting silly, joking,
and laughing. It has a lightness that can bring a
breath of fresh air to an otherwise tense or serious
moment. This lightness reflects the spirit of play.
Each of us has a naturally playful spirit within,
regardless of how we experience or express it. Some
people are playful no matter what they are doing.
They joke and laugh while driving across town or cleaning
up after dinner. They make light of temporary
setbacks and are able to share a smile even when working
fast and furiously. Of course, some others overdo
playfulness. They joke at inappropriate times or use
ridicule and sarcasm under the guise of a friendly
joke. They may use humor to distract from a
difficult conversation, laugh when they feel uncomfortable
or in pain, or make fun of something that is a very
serious matter to someone else.
On the other hand, many people are uncomfortable letting
their playful spirit out. Taking life too seriously,
they consider playfulness to be frivolous and a waste of
time. They feel compelled to keep busy instead of
enjoying the momentary interactions and
distractions. Pushing to make every moment
productive, they may block their creativity, drain their
energy, and decrease their sense of enthusiasm for
life. For them, life is serious work and not all
that pleasant.
Playfulness is also difficult for those who compulsively
try to be perfect. Always needing to have things
organized, whether it is a tidy desk or a spotless house,
they prefer order and predictability in relationships and
life in general to flexibility and joy.
Still others disdain playfulness because they find it a
bit scary. Possibly they were ridiculed as children
or rejected as adults, so they shy away from encounters
they imagine could be embarrassing. They often try
to be overly pleasing and helpful, or overly controlling
and in charge, as a way to protect against the fears in
the inner Child. Yet according to Erik Erikson, one
of the world's experts on psychological development, play
is "the most natural, self-healing measure" life
can offer.
In spite of these hesitations, the natural playfulness
within each person can be seen in any situation where
people express their basic urges. In expressing the
urge to live, some people are lighthearted and friendly
with hospital staff while taking a treadmill exam or
having a few stitches put in a cut finger.
Similarly, people who are playful while expressing their
urge to create may scribble, doodle, or draw cartoons
during a playful moment, or let their imaginations run
free to daydream while searching for a creative solution
to a problem. Similarly, when the playful spirit
arises in people who are seeking to express their urge for
understanding, they may make funny connections between
ideas, or make puns that bring laughter to others in
class. The spirit of play and enjoyment usually
shows the most when we laugh.
We
have some
inspiring and motivational books that may interest you. Our main way of supporting this site is
through the sale of books, either physical copies
or digital copies for your Amazon Kindle (including the
online reader). All of the money that we earn
through them comes back to the site
in one way or another. Just click on the picture
to the left to visit our page of books, both fiction and
non-fiction!
In
recent years, there's been a robust effort in
our society to encourage exercise. From the
massive health club expansion to the explosive
growth of workout equipment marketed to the
consumer, most of us are finally convinced that
getting in shape has its merits.
In fact, it's rather difficult to avoid the
exercise craze. From television commercials to
infomercials, and from gadgets that promise to
flatten our abs in just minutes, to shakes that
build muscles and burn fat, there's not a day
that passes when we're not hit with a "get
in shape" message.
Yet, despite these marketing efforts, Americans
are more out of shape than ever. Worse yet,
people who really need to exercise in order to
maintain their health are not doing it.
If you're not getting the picture, just check
out your local health club. Most club members
are really in great shape, (many were before
even joining) while your next door neighbor, who
really needs a workout, is proud to declare
himself a "couch potato."
If you need further convincing, just check out
the used exercise equipment market. On most days
of the week, you can purchase the latest home
equipment for a fraction of its original
cost—in absolutely perfect condition! For
after just a few weeks of earnest use, these
mechanical wonders magically transform
themselves into the most convenient family room
clothes hanger.
We're basically entrenched in aggressive
marketing hype and conditioning. The promise of
the quick fix, with the least amount of effort
is attractive. Yet, in reality, how does the
least amount of effort equate with getting in,
and staying in shape?
Frankly, it doesn't. It's simple physics that in
order to stay in shape, you must expend a
certain amount of energy. When you do, there's
an added bonus—you'll burn some calories and
shrink that waistline as well.
So why not begin with an activity that you'd
rather be doing in the first place?Take the lead from young children who
just can't do it enough. In fact, they don't
even consider it exercise. For them, it's
"play," and they do it together.
Why not take their lead and get started on the
right foot? Try a brisk walk at the dam with
someone you love, or try a new sport with a
friend. Time is bound to pass quickly, and you
might even begin looking forward to a wonderful
experience that doesn't even resemble exercise.
If you're not into braving the elements,
consider joining a health club, or taking a Yoga
or Tai Chi class with your friends. Sooner or
later, you'll discover the value of encouraging
and supporting each other, when one of you is
down or is losing interest.
The bottom line is simple. Forget the gadgets,
the gimmicks, and the quick fixes. Find
something that you enjoy doing, rediscover the
rejuvenating essence of the child within, and
most of all, have fun!
Remember, if you don't enjoy your chosen
activity enough to stick with it, simply move on
to something else. What's perfect today may not
suit you tomorrow. The keys to success are a
willingness to change, and discovering what
truly works for you.
* * * * *
Barry Bittman, MD, is a neurologist, author,
international speaker, award-winning
producer/director and inventor. As CEO and
Medical Director of the Mind-Body Wellness
Center, a comprehensive, interdisciplinary
outpatient medical facility in Meadville, PA.,
Dr. Bittman has pioneered a new paradigm for
treating the “whole person.”
Living
Life Fully, the e-zine
exists to try to provide for visitors of the world wide web a
place
of growth, peace, inspiration, and encouragement. Our
articles
are presented as thoughts of the authors--by no means do
we
mean to present them as ways that anyone has to live
life. Take
from them what you will, and disagree with
whatever you disagree
with--just know that they'll be here for you
each week.
Always
think on the bright side--no matter what life brings
to your day. You'll gain a treasure within your soul
that no worry or hardship
can ever take away.
Isaac
Purcell
I
Need to Rid Myself of Most Expectations
Some
of the best things I've ever gotten have been
completely unexpected--letters from students, gifts
from friends, kind words from others. Even
when I apply for a job, I don't expect to get it--I
know that I've prepared myself well for the
interview and I've told them what I could add to
their organization, and now the decision is up to
them. I know that my chances are very good, or
I wouldn't have applied in the first place, but that
they may simply be looking for something or someone
else.
On the other hand, many things that I've actually
expected haven't happened. I've expected
someone to say thank you for something I did, and
they haven't. I've expected colleagues to act
professionally, and some have, but many have
not. I've expected certain gifts for Christmas
or my birthday, but I've gotten something completely
different. These unfulfilled expectations can
be the source of disappointment or anger or harsh
judgment on my part, of course, because some other
human being hasn't "lived up" to
expectations that truly exist only in my mind.
If my anger is sparked, though, it's important that
I keep in mind that I'm angry not because of a
person's actions, usually, but because that person
has not met my expectations. Had I expected
nothing from that person, then I couldn't have been
angered, could I?
Culturally, we're taught to expect a lot, and often,
those expectations are justified. If I go to a
store or a restaurant where I'm going to exchange my
money for goods or for food, I don't feel that I'm
out of line if I expect decent service. If
someone wants my money to go to them in exchange for
something, then it seems pretty logical that that
person should treat me fairly decently, no?
Likewise, my government--and thus all of its
employees--are paid by the taxes that I contribute
to, and they're also set up to serve the people of
the country, not themselves. So it seems that
I should be able to expect a certain amount of
courtesy and professionalism when I deal with
someone who works for a city, state, or federal
government agency.
But many of our expectations aren't necessarily
justified. Should I expect every student in my
classes to pay attention all the time? I would
really like it if they did, but some of those kids
are dealing with family lives from hell, or loss or
insecurities that I can't even imagine. So
while I try to engage them to help them to pay
attention, I certainly can't expect all of them to
do so. (This perspective definitely puts me at
odds with certain administrators who believe that a
teacher can have 100% of his or her students paying
attention 100% of the time. I've actually had
administrators tell me this is possible.)
If I can rid myself of expectations, though--which
is something that the Buddha advocated--then I can
free myself up to experience life as it is, and not
have to deal with disappointment when it doesn't
turn out the ways I expect it to be. That
doesn't mean that everyone gets a free pass to abuse
me all the time, but it does mean that I'm not going
to have my mood swing from place to place as my
expectations are either dashed or met. I'm not
going to feel great disappointment in people, which
is a form of judgment that I'd rather leave behind
anyway. The Buddha said that if we cease
having expectations, then we have all things, which
is a nice little paradox.
I've learned in life that many of my disappointments
are not caused by the things that people do, but by
the expectations I had of what people should
do. I've watched myself get upset and angry
when people didn't meet my expectations (and I like
neither being upset nor being angry), only to
realize later that my expectations were rather
unrealistic in the situation. I was feeling
crappy because of my own ideas of what should be or
shouldn't be, not because of anything anyone else
did or didn't do.
So I've learned that I'm going to be much happier
and feel much more balanced if I observe life and
live life, rather than trying to impose my desire of
how things should be upon life. My
expectations are simply a way for me to impose my
will on others--and it's a way that rarely, if ever,
truly works. So rather than trying to impose
my will on life and other people, I know that I need
to be more of an observer than a critic, more
accepting of how things are than demanding of how
things should be.
Yes, we can still have some expectations.
We're not going to be miserable creatures just
because we have a few of them. But the more of
them that we can let go of, the freer we'll find
ourselves to be--and I believe the Buddha would say
that complete freedom is impossible without
completely letting go of some of our
expectations. And I tend to trust the Buddha,
as he made a lot of sense in a lot of ways, and also
because I've seen in practice just how little
happiness my expectations bring me and others, and
just how much stress and misery they can cause us
all.
While
coaching gymnastics at Stanford University, I walked into a
workout one day and found Jack, the team captain, lying on the
mat, stretching -- grasping one of his legs and pulling it toward
his chest. As I walked by, I saw him grimace and heard him
groan, "Oh, God, I hate this -- it hurts so much!"
I didn't know whether he was talking to me, to himself, or
complaining to God, but I felt as if I'd wandered into a Mel
Brooks movie. I wanted to ask Jack, "Who's doing it to
you? If it hurts that bad, why don't you let up a
little?" This holds true for your life as well: If
it hurts so much, why don't you let up a little?
The
moment we recognize the degree to which our difficulties are self-imposed,
we begin to heal them. We end self-sabotage only by taking
responsibility for the choices and actions that created it.
Only when we stop blaming our boss or government or parents or
spouse or partner or children or circumstances or fate or God can
we change our lives and say with conviction, "I chose where I
am now, and I can choose something better."
Of
course, not every misadventure, injury, or problem is created by
your subconscious owing to low self-worth. For all we know,
certain difficulties or challenges are gifts from God or arranged
by our souls in order to test and temper our spirit. As the
old proverb says, "Take it as a blessing or take it as a
test; whatever happens, happens for the best." And as
it happens, adversities may sometimes contain their own blessings.
I've learned that you
can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles
these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas
tree lights.
I've learned that
regardless of your relationship with your parents,
you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making
a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."
I've learned that life
sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you
shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both
hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that if you
pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you
focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and
doing
the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that
whenever I decide something with an open heart,
I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even
when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every
day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a
friendly
pat on the back.
I've learned that I
still have a lot to learn.
Time
is a flowing river. Happy those who allow
themselves to be
carried,
unresisting, with the current. They float through
easy days.
They live, unquestioning,
in the moment.
Christopher
Morley
Yes, life
can be mysterious and confusing--but there's much of life that's
actually rather dependable and reliable. Some principles apply
to life in so many different contexts that they can truly be called
universal--and learning what they are and how to approach them and use
them can teach us some of the most important lessons that we've ever
learned.
My doctorate is in Teaching and Learning. I use it a lot when I
teach at school, but I also do my best to apply what I've learned to
the life I'm living, and to observe how others live their lives.
What makes them happy or unhappy, stressed or peaceful, selfish or
generous, compassionate or arrogant? In this book, I've done my
best to pass on to you what I've learned from people in my life,
writers whose works I've read, and stories that I've heard.
Perhaps these principles can be a positive part of your life, too! Universal Principles of Living Life Fully. Awareness of
these principles can explain a lot and take much of the frustration
out of the lives we lead.
Explore all of our
quotations pages--these links will take you to the first page of each
topic, and those pages will contain links to any additional pages on
the same topic (there are five pages on adversity, for example).
™
