| Grief is
something we go through for ourselves, something that allows us to make
a transition from having to not having. When we grieve, we focus
on our loss, our "new" life without this person or this pet or
this town or this house. Grief is a healthy response to drastic
change, a response that allows us to deal with the pain of loss and get
on with our lives.
Many people,
though, go through a much longer and stronger grieving period than
others, to the point that they make themselves sick or anxious or
miserable. This happens most often when we mix in other elements
with the grief--regret or self-pity or anger or resentment or guilt are
just a few of the emotions or feelings we can add to the grief and take
away our love for life, at least for a time. Once we add these
elements, grief is no longer healthy, but destructive. It's no
longer helpful, but harmful. And the only way around it is to
recognize what we're doing.
Of course,
when someone (or a pet) who's been very near to us dies, we're going to
grieve much more than we would if the person who has died has never been
that close to us. But I've met very few people who want others to
spend weeks and weeks mourning their deaths. When I talk to people
about dying, they usually tell me that they want people to get on with
their lives, to keep on living, to enjoy themselves as much as they can
until their time to die comes. I've never talked to anyone who
wants people to spend their days focused on the loss, who wants any
person to stop living a full life just because of the fact that someone
close to them has died.
This is
exactly why we have funerals and wakes--they're ceremonies that help us
to move on, to deal with the fact of the loss.
But what
happens when you add guilt to the grief? If someone has just died
and you feel guilty because you've treated the person poorly, or have
done something to that person, then you're not just dealing with
grief. It's like mixing salt with hand lotion--the lotion will
never do what it's supposed to do. The grief will never accomplish
its purpose. It's the same with anger--are you angry over
something that person did while alive? Are you angry that the
person has died? If so, you won't get past the grief, for it's
much stronger now, mixed with the second, destructive emotion.
If you're
grieving and you can't get over it, try to figure out what that second
emotion is, and try to deal with that. Let the grief do its work
without sabotaging it, and deal with any other emotions on their own
terms. Are you feeling guilty because you didn't visit your mother
enough during her last months? Then deal with the guilt
separately--there's no changing what you've done in the past, so resolve
to be more attentive in the future. Or sit down and make a list of
the many commitments you had during that time, and see if you
realistically could have visited much more. Be honest, and be
fair, both with yourself and the situation. If you could have gone
more, then deal with that in the future--life will give you ways to make
amends for past mistakes. Life's really good at that, but we have
to keep our eyes and hearts open.
When I die, I
hope that no one grieves--I hope they celebrate the fact that I've moved
on to a much better place. I hope to have my wake while I'm still
alive, so that I can enjoy the food and the company. I don't want
grief to darken one person's day--I hope it will brighten their lives by
allowing them to move on with the process of living the wonderful lives
we've been given with only an occasional glance back, with a smile at
the memories.
Please don't
let the combination of grief and something else consume you. Let
grief free you, and deal with any other feelings separately. Those
who love you want you to see the world brightly, not darkly. |
