I see parents do it with their kids in college:  by calling their kid every day and "checking in on them," they make their presence--and their expectations--constantly clear.  That's supposed to "motivate" the kid.  Other parents try to give advice on every topic under the sun to their kids, fully expecting the children to follow that advice to the letter.  This is called micromanaging, though, and it's usually more indicative of the parent's fear of failing the other person than it is of the kid's need for such constant input.

We simply fear being out of control.  We fear watching things and events spiral out of control, harming us and those people we love.  We fear facing a situation in which we have no control, and we fear situations reaching that point, so we try to "make sure" that nothing in our lives ever gets that far.

This fear, though, comes from a lack of confidence or faith in life and in God, whatever you perceive God to be.  Life has been going on for many, many years without our input, and it's been going along fine.  In fact, it seems clear that life has a harder time doing its thing the more we interfere with it.

We're not willing to let the river flow as it will--we want to make sure that we control the amount of water that's flowing, the direction in which it flows, and when it stops and starts flowing.  If we can do that, we can make sure that the river never will overflow its banks, and we can be sure that no one will be hurt by the river.

But the river's not under our control.  Our kids' lives aren't under our control.  My spouse's life isn't under my control, nor is my neighbor's nor my father's or mother's.  When I try to control them and fail at it--as I ultimately must--I'm building frustration and aggravation into my life as well as theirs.

It's admirable to want to save other people pain and suffering and aggravation.  But their lives are up to them, and it's not my responsibility to control them.  I can be there to help when I'm asked for help, but if I interfere without asking, I'm not doing anybody any good at all.

Trying to control life is a losing battle from the beginning.  It's important that we step back and see whether our influence (not control) may be helpful or useful in a given situation, but if we constantly try to make sure that everything turns out fine, we will fail time and time again.  Isn't it important to use our strength and power in situations in which we truly do have influence (in our jobs and relationships, for example, focused on our own actions) rather than in ways that are doomed to be wastes of that energy?

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The Gerbil Story      Melody Beattie
The Waiver      Melody Beattie