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22 March 2022
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If
I were to begin life again, I should
want it as it was. I would only
open my eyes a little more.
Jules
Renard
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We
win half the battle when we
make up our minds to take the world
as we find it, including the thorns.
Orison
Swett Marden
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Everything that happens
to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We
cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to
ourselves more than we think we are worth.
Iyanla Vanzant
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Adversity is not undesirable. Because it is
only when you are
down and out in life
that you can realize its true value.
Papa Ramdas
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Breaking
Away from Other People's Expectations
Alan Loy McGinnis
Sydney J. Harris was walking in New York City one evening
with a friend, a Quaker, who stopped to buy a
newspaper. The newsboy was surly and discourteous to
him as he made change, but Harris' friend looked him in
the eye and gave him a warm farewell as he left.
"A sullen fellow, isn't he?" Harris asked.
"Oh, he's that way every night," shrugged the
friend.
"Then why do you continue to be so kind to him?"
Harris asked.
"Why not?" his friend responded. "Why
should I let him decide how I'm going to act?"
The Quaker obviously knew how to live independently.
He was a person in possession of himself, with a solid
center of gravity. It is such a center of
gravity--an assurance of who we are and how we wish to
live--that we must pursue if we are to develop genuine
confidence.
Unfortunately, most of us are more reactive. We
allow the people around us to determine our attitude by
their behavior or expectations. But how can you be
your own person, living above the expectations and demands
of people? The first step for independent living is
this:
Dare to be a little eccentric.
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Those with strong self-confidence always have people they
love and are close to, but they also have the courage to
be different from those around them. We cannot live
without the love of others. In fact, in a later
chapter I will emphasize the importance of building a
network of strong friendships to enhance your
self-image. But that is quite different from a
neurotic need to please others. There are many
people who would like to impose on us certain conditions
of worth, and to submit to them is to submit to a life of
scrambling.
The Dangers of Trying to Please
Dr. Neil Clark Warren, former dean of the Fuller School of
Psychology, says that we waste large amounts of
psychological energy studying the important people in our
lives, determining what they want from us, and then trying
to become the kind of person who can meet all those needs.
If you buy into this strategy, calls come from every
side. For instance, my mother wants me to be gentle
and loving and nice. My dad wants me to be tough and
confident and well-defined. My wife wants me to be a
tiger: strong, successful, but sensitive. My
friends want me to be open, and willing to be weak, but
courageous. The students at our school want me to be
well-prepared and well-reasoned and thoroughly competent
and productive. The Seminary wants me to be
conservative, but charitable; discriminating, and yet
unconditional. They want me to be an effective
fundraiser, an administrator and scholar and
teacher. Society, I think, wants me to be masculine
and sexually aware.
Sometimes I feel like crying out, "I just can't do
it!" And somewhere I hear a voice, "If you
can't do it, pretend." And the challenge to be
a good pretender becomes the most challenging challenge of
all. We create masks and learn parts. We make
ourselves into actors and actresses and quick-change
artists. We move from one part to another as rapidly
as we meet someone in our life who has differing
expectations. Other people think we're
amazing. They're so proud of us. They seek our
company. They promote us and give us merit raises
and hugs and trophies. We're so important to them
but we have become strangers to ourselves. We have
met everybody's needs but our own.
Returning to Your Center
The alternative to all this, according to Warren's
felicitous phrase, is to "return to our center"
and live from the authentic core within us. In
psychoanalytic terms, it is seeing the ego as the
decision-making entity, receiving data from the id--our
clamoring instinctual desires--and listening to the
equally clamoring super-ego, which includes all the
shoulds, oughts, and don'ts we have heard from countless
important figures. The ego then makes its decisions
from that strong center, which is our core. We are
empowered to make those decisions, says Warren, by
embracing the unconditional love that God has for
us. When we embrace that experience of grace and
live from such a center, we will refuse to let either our
persistent instincts or the people around us control our
lives with their expectations and demands.
It is a liberating step when we decide to stop being what
other people want when it is pretense. Although the
singer Risė Stevens had learned to work on the stage with
great poise, the self-confidence she felt before audiences
evaporated in social situations. She said, "My
discomfort came from trying to be something I was not--a
star in the drawing room as well as on stage. If a
clever person made a joke, I tried to top it--and
failed. I pretended to be familiar with subjects I
knew nothing of."
After watching herself fail so desperately in this way,
she had a heart-to-heart talk with herself: "I
realized that I just simply wasn't a wit or an
intellectual and that I could only succeed as
myself. Then, facing my faults, I began listening
and asking questions at parties instead of trying to
impress the guests. I discovered that I had much to
learn from others. When I spoke, I tried to
contribute, not to shine. At once I began to feel a
new warmth in my social contacts. . . . This brought me a
new joy in being with people. They like the real me
better."
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If
I Had to Do It All Over Again (Parenting)
Zig Ziglar
This question is frequently asked of people after
they've reached a certain age. One unknown
father came up with some answers I believe have a lot
of merit:
1. "I would love my wife more in front of
my children." That is, he would speak more
words of affection, hold her hand more, put his arm
around her more, and hug her more.
2. "I would laugh with my children more at
our mistakes and joys." Laughter breeds
happiness, and a happy home has far fewer problems.
3. "I would listen more, even to the
smallest child." It is amazing what little
ones can teach us as the pearls of wisdom often come
tumbling out.
4. "I would be more honest about my own
weaknesses and stop pretending perfection."
Kids know we are not perfect, and it's comforting to
know we can acknowledge our humanness.
5. "I would pray differently for my
family. Instead of focusing on them, I'd focus
on me." After all, that's where it really
starts.
6. "I would do more things together with my
children." We repeatedly hear about fathers
who get too busy to spend precious moments walking,
talking, playing, shopping, fishing, and cycling with
their children. That's where bonding takes
place.
7. "I would be more encouraging and bestow
more praise." It is said that encouragement
is the fuel of hope, and praise, particularly for
effort, brings about even more effort in the future.
8. "When I made a mistake in the way I
dealt with my children, I would admit it and ask them
to forgive me."
9. "I would pay more attention to little
things, deeds and words of love and
kindness." When you add up all those little
things over a lifetime, they make a huge difference.
10. "I would share God more intimately with
my family through ordinary things that happen in a
day."
This unknown father has some marvelous lessons for
us. Take his approach, and you will have a
happier, more fulfilled life as a parent.
~from his book, Staying
Up, Up, Up in a Down, Down World
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Integrity is the first
step to true greatness. People love to
praise, but are slow
to practice it. To maintain it in high
places costs self-denial;
in all places it is liable to opposition,
but its end is
glorious,
and the universe will yet do it homage.
Charles Simmons
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When
Balance Goes Awry
There are
many times when I feel out of balance. Heck, when I look back on
my life and I see the things that have happened and the ways that I've
thought about them, it sometimes surprises me that I have any balance
at all in my life. From day one I was exposed to toxic
environments and harshly judgmental people, and I can never remember a
time when I was very young when I felt any sort of peace or trust that
everything was going to be okay.
Of course, in those years I had no idea what balance meant. I
had no idea that my life was out of balance, that the stress and the
anxiety that I felt were not necessarily natural--they were the
results of family situations that were completely out of my control,
and they were not something that everyone else was feeling. Our
situation was our situation, and we dealt with it as best as we could,
though I have to say that all in all, that wasn't very well.
Nowadays, though, I pay close attention to balance and its effects on
me. When I'm feeling balanced--that is, when things seem to be
affecting me in appropriate and "normal" ways--life is
pretty pleasant. I've learned over the years to deal with a lot
of adversity and problems, so those don't normally take me to the dark
places in my mind--I simply deal with them and move on. There
will be conflict and there will be joy, but neither of these will be
overwhelming. There will be stress and there will be problems,
but they're easily dealt with when my mind and spirit and heart are in
balance.
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Life is often messy,
uncertain, and unpredictable. Sometimes it's a string
of troubles that seem to never end. That's normal. Ups and
downs
are normal. Being ill on occasion is normal. Feeling peaceful
and happy
are normal. Occasional low-energy days are normal. According
to Chinese
medicine, it is accepted as natural that we fluctuate from being in
balance
to being out of balance. Peace of mind comes from not attaching a
great
deal of significance to either state. We simply note our moods and
physical states and gently move toward balance as best we can,
accepting it all as part of the flow of life.
Charlotte Davis Kasl
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Things do
happen, though, to upset that balance. Without going into
great detail because of the personal nature of the incident,
something happened a few weeks ago that seriously upset my
balance--I started focusing my mind and my thoughts on almost one
thing exclusively, devoting much more time and energy to that
thing than it really deserved, and it was very negative. My
work in other areas was seriously affected, I didn't sleep well
for several days, and I constantly felt tense.
The saving grace was that I recognized what was going on. I
knew that it wasn't the thing that happened that was the problem,
but the way that I was responding to it. It had thrown me
off-kilter, and I was listing. Even though I knew this,
though, I still wasn't able to simply shrug off the occurrence and
forget it, for it was far too meaningful in too many ways.
And contributing to the problem was the fact that I was quite
exhausted at the time, as I usually am as I near the end of any
semester. This was right before spring break, which was a
blessing, because I could at least take care of the exhaustion
over the break. But dealing with the lack of balance--my
inability to choose to not focus on the negative--was still quite
a challenge.
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There is no such thing
as work-life balance. Everything
worth fighting for unbalances your life.
Alain de Botton
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The first
thing I had to do was convince myself of two things--first, that
this thing wasn't nearly as drastic as my mind wanted to make it
out to be, and second, that it didn't deserve the amount of time
or energy that I was devoting to it. It simply was what it
was, and while it was hurtful, it wasn't all that bad. My
mind was making it worse than it was (which my mind tends to do a
lot of), and things really were still okay. What helps me in
such situations is to examine the facts of the situation and
figure out what they mean, if I can. That doesn't mean that
I try to pretend that what happened was completely insignificant,
for it wasn't. The truth of the matter, though, was that
other people whom I trust were reassuring me that it wasn't that
drastic, yet I was still feeling that it was rather than believing
what they were saying.
Previously in my life, I would have let that imbalance--allowing
my mind to attach far too much importance to a situation rather
than believing trustworthy friends--continue much longer.
This time, it took me a few days, but even during those few days
things weren't nearly as bad as they used to get. I didn't
allow the balance to go too far too one side; I made a conscious
effort to keep the shift from going too far to one side by forcing
myself to acknowledge and accept the ideas that were coming from
others, thus allowing my mind to balance itself much more
effectively.
Then I had to force myself to focus on other things that were much
more positive, though not less important. In my state of
imbalance, these other things were seen as not being nearly as
important as the negative occurrence, so it was very easy to
neglect them. By focusing on them, though, I reminded myself
that my life is made up of so many other facets than just this one
thing, and my brain was able to start realizing the true extent of
the importance of the negative thing--it did have some importance,
but I wanted to put too much importance on it simply because it
was hurtful.
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Life is just like our checkbooks. We need to learn
the tools for bringing
them back into balance, for once we get them balanced, they will only
have
a
possibility of staying that way if never use them again.
Living in harmony is an ongoing process.
Anne Wilson Schaef
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As I grew up,
I had no real examples of balance. My family was constantly
in a state of imbalance, and I learned that as a norm--we were all
just waiting for the next terrible thing to come along and throw
our world out of whack. It wasn't just that I wasn't able to
be balanced; rather, I had no idea what balance was or what it
felt like. As I've grown up, though, I've come to learn that
much of what I've seen as problems is actually simply a question
of me focusing too much on one or two negative things rather than
allowing them to be part of a greater whole, a whole that is in a
healthy balance as I focus also on the positive and the
healthy. This doesn't mean that I ignore the bad or pretend
it doesn't exist. It simply means that I give the bad its
due, just as I give the good its due--and no more than its due.
Sometimes when the world feels simply overwhelming and you're
questioning your job and your relationships and your reason for
being, you're experiencing the loss of balance. Your focus
has grown to be far too attached to one or two things, and when
even a tiny aspect of those things goes awry, so does your
balance. You start to channel more attention and energy
towards the problem, and you lose much of your connection to the
positive parts of your life that are supposed to be balancing out
those things.
Take some simple steps to re-establish that balance. Take a
walk in a very natural setting and remind yourself that you're
part of a much greater whole. Sit and talk with a friend
whom you trust and for whom you care so that you can remind
yourself that you do have love in your life. Make a list of
what's going right in your life--do you have food? shelter?
clothing? electricity? heat? free time? work? When you
remind yourself of your blessings, you allow those blessings to
help to balance out any negatives. Give something away--or
some things. Share your blessings with others to remind
yourself of the power of kindness. And accept that things
are the way they are and that you'll deal with them as well as you
can.
It's not always easy, but it is necessary. Often what we do
is allow ourselves to feel this imbalance until it works itself
out of our system on its own. That strategy, though, can
lead to many unhappy or even miserable days. It's important
that we try to keep a healthy perspective, and a balanced
perspective, for when we're in balance, we can be a positive
influence on the lives of others. When we're out of balance,
so is our contribution to the world--what we give is tainted by
what we feel. Let's try to maintain our balance so that the
people we love will always benefit from our presence rather than
be tried by it.
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More
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To complain that life
has no joys
while there is a single person
whom we can
relieve by our
bounty, assist by our counsels
or enliven
by our presence, is
to lament the loss of that which
we
possess,
and is just as rational
as to die of thirst with
the
cup in our hands.
Thomas Fitzosborne
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Happiness
Edward J. Lavin
Contentment is a balm, satisfaction is a friendly
embrace, but happiness
is a warm glow and tingle
that arise from the health of both mind and body.
We all want to be happy, yet how many of us can with
certainty declare
that we are? We all have
little happinesses that raise us up out of the mire
of our daily struggles. Perhaps we should be
content with these small gifts,
for the quality of
perfect happiness is an uncommon state.
This little caution is a warning to those whose life
is a perpetual search for
the perfect happiness--a
holy grail that requires an immense effort. It
is not
found in a clean bathroom, although the TV
commercials want us to think
so. Nor is it
found in money or health or friends or lovers or
travel or small
packages. These may lead to
small happinesses, and blessings on them all.
Perfect happiness is a well-regulated hierarchy of
spirit, mind, and body.
The order is
important, and anything that disturbs that order
ruffles the
surface of the lake of happiness.
Unregulated desire, as the Buddha knew
so well, is a
heavy stone dropped into the lake; equally
disturbing is the
tendency to forget about the
spirit and to concentrate exclusively on the
mind or
the body. Perfect happiness is not to be found
in the leaps of
aerobic movement nor in the dense
concentration of scholarly research.
Yet we must not despair. Perfect happiness is
our birthright--it is
only that we must work at it.
from his book Life
Meditations
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Hope
is outreaching desire with expectancy of good. It is
characteristic
of all living beings. Birds, beasts, and people are always alert and striving
for the fulfillment of
their hungers. They are impelled forward in a ceaseless
quest for satisfaction. The antennae of insects
relentlessly explore
and feel their way ahead, and the
imagination of humans functions
in the same manner, ranging
through wide areas and far futures
in search of the good
which hope ever promises.
Edward
S. Ames
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