Good
day, and welcome to our first issue of
November! It's hard to believe
that we're in the next-to-last month of the year
already, but here we are!
We sincerely hope that you're able to make this a
very special month indeed!
Keeping my own judgment at bay is part of my
work. Whether I am coaching people or
sitting with them in a ministry context, I am
invited into their most personal thoughts and
feelings. It is a privilege and honor to
be there, and to earn it I have to remain
neutral and unattached. I am not supposed
to take sides. The secrets, weak spots,
and fears I hold for these people must be locked
away in a vault inside my brain, not to be
brought up unless it is in service to
them. If I interact with someone outside a
coaching session, those precious secrets never
come out of the vault. I am to know that
person as he or she wants to be known in his or
her public persona. Otherwise, those
treasures could become weapons.
Truthfully, it is easier to do this in my work
than in contexts where my consciousness is not
as focused or raised as high. I had a
humbling lesson about this a couple of years ago
in a conversation with a childhood friend.
Past history had preserved our friendship, but
geographical distance kept us from being well
connected. We also operate on different
belief systems and found it hard to talk about
personal things, which contributed to our
infrequent contact. In an attempt to
strengthen our relationship, I thought hitting
on some points that we'd avoided before might be
beneficial to us both. I was very, very
wrong.
My friend
and I had both been given opportunities for
education that not all in our extended families
had enjoyed. I always wondered why my
friend, once on the path to taking premed
courses, chose not to pursue any particular
career path and instead had worked in
administrative jobs for almost two
decades. I asked in hopes of understanding
her better and bridging a better connection, but
instead I stepped on a land mine.
"Who are you to judge my choice of
work?" she exploded. "It was
good enough for both of our mothers, why isn't
it good enough for me?"
Wow. I hadn't realized that I had judged
her. I knew how brilliantly smart she was
and how underused she felt in each of her
administrative jobs. I thought I was
simply wanting more for her, but I had to admit
that I had passed judgment. It was subtle,
but it was so. I had been looking down on
her for not doing more with what I felt she
had. I was humbled by that and shifted
immediately to knowing that the only way to move
the relationship forward was to accept her for
exactly who she is, no more, no less.
From there, I hoped we'd have a chance at a
meaningful relationship.
We've all been judged in one form or
another. Whether it was by a parent, a
teacher, a boss, or a friend, we know what it
feels like to be judged. Some of us may
have even had the misfortune of being falsely
accused of a big infraction. And still,
with the mental and physical memory of that
pain, we can't help doing it to others and,
often, to ourselves.
One of my pet peeves in the social realm occurs
when someone has been trusted with my private
world and I have to endure a ribbing at my own
expense in front of others. If I've shared
things with someone that are later used publicly
to one-up me or embarrass me, I have to question
what that person's motivation is. When I
ask, a common response from people is:
"I was just kidding!"
Let's look at the motivation for "just
kidding." Who gets to be
"up" and who gets to be
"down" when we slap people publicly
with a joke at their expense? You may have
thought you were just kidding, but your ego was
trying to be superior or gain power and your
undisciplined mind allowed it. There's a
time and a place for humor with friends, and I
can zing a joke with the best of them, but when
comedy becomes another form of condemnation, we
have to see through the disguise to our desire
for power--and thus separation--the root of
feeling that meaning is missing.
Clearly, the need for growth continues. It
is a constant exercise in mindfulness and
compassion to find greater meaning to the little
dramas of life that want to smack us back into
knee-jerk reactions. It takes time and
patience with ourselves and others to climb over
the obstacles that the mind and the ego want to
put in the way of harmony with the people around
us. It's so much easier to stop at the
base of the mountain of judgment and only see
the limited view. It takes great effort to
climb to the top and see more clearly for miles
and miles around. The view from there is
inspiring. It's the feeling we all want
for our lives of unlimited possibilities and a
connection to the beauty of the natural order of
things. That view is attainable whether we
are looking in the mirror or into the face
of another person. When we realize we are
they and they are we, that in essence we are
one, judgment would be impossible without
condemning ourselves as well. When we
clear our minds from the judgment of others and
ourselves and even situations, we are
free. Meaning shifts from being a sense of
superiority to a sense of oneness and
connection.
We
have some
inspiring and motivational books that may interest you. Our main way of supporting this site is
through the sale of books, either physical copies
or digital copies for your Amazon Kindle (including the
online reader). All of the money that we earn
through them comes back to the site
in one way or another. Just click on the picture
to the left to visit our page of books, both fiction and
non-fiction!
In the beginning, it is written, was the word.
Problem is, nobody was listening. Besides the
universal life purpose that I believe all human beings
share of learning to love and be loved, listening
is the life lesson I wished I'd learned long ago--in the
beginning.
"Listen," my mentor, Carol McCall said (and so
titled her book), "there's a world waiting to be
heard." All you need do is read a magazine,
newspaper, blog, or (perish the act) turn on the
television to learn how people, communities, corporations,
countries are not listening--and the tragic price they are
paying for not listening.
Even though 85 percent of what we know we learn by
listening, researchers have found that we are distracted,
preoccupied, or forgetful three-quarters of the
time. Oh we hear what people are saying, but
we're not listening. Not really.
Proof? More research: We only remember 20
percent of what we hear. Why? Because although
we listen to between 125 to 250 words per minute, we think
at 1,000 to 3,000 words per minute, and while other people
are speaking, we're thinking, thinking, thinking. . .
. Here's what William Stringfellow wrote in the
Quaker monthly Friend's Journal:
Listening
is a rare happening among human beings. You cannot
listen to the word another is speaking if you are
preoccupied with your appearance, or with impressing the
other, or are trying to decide what you are going to say
when the other stops talking, or are debating about
whether what is being said is true or relevant or
agreeable. Such matters have their place, but only
after listening to the word as the word is being
uttered. Listening is a primitive act of love in
which a person gives him- or herself to another's word,
making oneself accessible and vulnerable to that word.
Simple science shows us that no two things can take up the
same space at the same time. So it is with
listening. You cannot think and listen; read and
listen; day dream and listen; write and listen; agree,
disagree, argue, interpret, mind read, rehearse, plot,
plan, placate, or even listen and listen.
Listening requires our full and focused attention on the
other person. Real listening truly honors
people. Authentic listening can actually heal
people.
One bit I appreciate most about the quote from
Stringfellow is "Listening is a primitive act of
love. . . ." What makes that special and
important for me is that it takes me right back to the
beginning. If, as I said and believe, every human
being shares the same life purpose to learn to love and be
loved, then listening gives me a simple--though not
easy to master--truly elegant power tool to fulfill my
life's purpose.
Yet the number of us who have had formal educational
experience in listening is less than two in every hundred
people. I wished I'd learned to listen long, long
ago.
* * * *
John Milton Fogg is the author of The Greatest
Networker in the World
Living
Life Fully, the e-zine
exists to try to provide for visitors of the world wide web a
place
of growth, peace, inspiration, and encouragement. Our
articles
are presented as thoughts of the authors--by no means do
we
mean to present them as ways that anyone has to live
life. Take
from them what you will, and disagree with
whatever you disagree
with--just know that they'll be here for you
each week.
Even
if I may be going through a challenging experience, I am
grateful,
for I know that good will come from it. Will I learn
of inner strength that
I didn't know I had? Will I gain a renewed
appreciation for my life and
the people in it? I am grateful for my present
circumstances,
for I know they offer opportunities for growth.
unattributed,
The Daily Word
Strategies for
Achievement
I believe that one of the
curses of modern life is that we are set up to live our lives
passively, watching TV, watching sports, reading things online
that other people have written. And one of the most common
causes of frustration and dissatisfaction with life becomes a lack
of a sense of achievement--a lack of doing something that we're
proud of, and that we enjoy doing. We're taught to go
through our lives passively experiencing other people's
accomplishments in the forms of books, movies, music, television,
sports, etc., yet we're very rarely given specific instruction on
how we, ourselves, might be able to achieve.
Many of us feel that our most important achievements could come
from our jobs, but even there, aren't we usually just doing what
we're supposed to do? Not enough of us feel that our
greatest achievement is our family--and I say not enough because
the fact is that because so few people put a great deal of true
effort into making sure that their families are doing well,
there's an awful lot of dysfunction to be found in our
families. If more people viewed a healthy and happy family
as a potential achievement, then more people would be parts of
healthy and happy families.
But how do we achieve? Some people rarely undertake tasks
because they don't know how to end them; their tendency is to get
part-way through them and then drop them for something else.
Others never start because of their fear that the achievement
won't be worthwhile. Still others don't see the point in
trying to achieve something on their own because no one else
recognizes their efforts or compliments the finished result.
Four steps to achievement:
Plan purposefully.
Prepare prayerfully.
Proceed positively.
Pursue persistently.
William A. Ward
We don't need
to go into the reasons for achieving here. A
sense of accomplishment and pride is generally its
own reward, and can change our lives. But if
we do want to achieve things in our lives that are
significant to us, then we do have to acknowledge
certain requirements for achievement. I
present these in no particular order, for that's
going to be different for each person. But
without these things, our chances of achieving
something significant to us are much, much less.
First, we have to devote time to what we're trying
to do. It will take time to get the task done,
and it will often take time to do the planning
necessary. Sometimes it will take time to
prepare ourselves to be able to do what we're trying
to do (see below). There is very little
achievement where there is very little time
dedicated to the task.
We also have to focus. Turn the cell phone
off. Turn the computer off. When I'm
writing a novel, I work on a computer that has no
Internet connection, for I know that the temptation
to look something up will be strong, and once I do
that, one click will get me to another page, where
I'll start reading something. . . . You get
the idea. Focus is extremely important if we
want to achieve, so it's important that we create a
situation with as few distractions as possible so
that we can dedicate ourselves to the task at hand.
Whenever you want to achieve something, keep your eyes open,
concentrate and make sure you know exactly what it is you want.
No one can hit their target with their eyes closed.
Paulo Coelho
We also need to
be realistic. I've known quite a few people
who seem to sabotage themselves every time they
decide that they want to achieve something.
They set themselves up to try to do something that
they simply have no right to expect to be able to
do--someone who hasn't trained decides to run a
marathon, or someone who has no experience in home
maintenance decides to remodel his house's
bathroom. If I have a week off, I'm not going
to be able to write a novel in that time.
It's important that we're prepared for what we're
doing. This one logically follows the idea of
being realistic. If I've never done any sort
of home maintenance, then there are classes I can
take and books that I can study. I can prepare
myself with the knowledge necessary to do the
job. But knowledge is not all that's
necessary--I also need to have the right tools to do
all the work. And it would be a good idea to
have enough time blocked off to actually do the
work, and all of the parts and furnishings necessary
to get the job done. If I'm going to run a
marathon, I can prepare myself with two or three
months of running, especially for longer distances.
Are you willing to sacrifice? Time?
Social functions? Television programs?
It isn't always necessary to do so, but some things
do require us to make a choice. Of course,
it's important to choose carefully what to sacrifice
depending on what the trade-off is--would you trade
quality time with your family for the chance to
repaint your car, or would it be better to trade
television time for that chance? Some
trade-offs just aren't worth it, and we need to be
realistic in the ways that we decide what kinds of
trades we make.
What distinguishes
people of genuine achievement from the rest of us
is not so much their intellectual powers and aptitudes as their
curiosity,
their energy, their fullest use of their potentialities. Nobody
really knows
how smart or talented he or she is until that person finds the
incentives
to use him- or herself to the fullest. God has given us more
than
we know what to do with.
Sydney J. Harris
Achievement is
a question of effort--without the latter, there is
none of the former. But we can create and
sustain conditions that help to make that effort
result in an actual achievement. We don't have
to be the best artist to create a painting. We
don't have to be the best writer to create a
novel. We don't have to be the most adept at
social situations in order to develop friendships or
business connections. We just need to know
what we want to accomplish and then make sure that
we do all that we can to give ourselves a chance to
actually achieve what we desire.
Whatever
course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that
you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt
you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of
action and follow it to an end requires courage.
Bring
a heightened state of awareness to your daily life by noticing
your surroundings and thinking of their history. For
example,
imagine the history of a wooden table. Think back to
when it
was a tree in the woods. Look at the grain and see the
lines,
each signifying a year, and think of that tree standing all
that time
in one place. Then imagine it being cut down, taken to a
mill, made
into lumber, shipped to a furniture factory, sawed, glued,
and finished. Imagine the table on the transport truck,
and then
in a store, and think of the people walking by and touching
it. Then remember when it came into your life. It has a history, the same as we do.
A
heightened state of awareness comes when we look,
and then look again, and then relax into whatever situation
we are in. When we have a capacity for fascination with
simple things, we are able to sit peacefully for hours on a
park bench, or in an airport, engrossed by the different gaits
and gestures of people as they walk, talk, and stand. We
develop
the ability to be patient as we stand in line at the grocery
store because we have the ability to look with fascination
and wonder at all that surrounds us.
Once
upon a time there was a woman who longed to find out
what
heaven is like.
She prayed constantly,
"O, God, grant me in this life
a vision of
paradise." She
prayed in this way for
years until one
night she had a dream. In her
dream
an angel came and led her
to heaven.
They walked down a street in paradise
until they
came
to an ordinary-looking house. The angel,
pointing toward
the house said, "Go and look
inside."
So
the woman walked in the house and found a person
preparing
supper, another
reading the newspaper, and
children playing with
their toys. Naturally,
she was
disappointed and returned to the
angel on
the street. "Is this all there is to
heaven?"
The
angel replied, "Those people you saw in that
house
are not in paradise--paradise is in
them!"
Edward
Hays
The really idle
person gets
nowhere. The perpetually
busy person does not get much further.
Heneage Ogilvie
Yes, life
can be mysterious and confusing--but there's much of life that's
actually rather dependable and reliable. Some principles apply
to life in so many different contexts that they can truly be called
universal--and learning what they are and how to approach them and use
them can teach us some of the most important lessons that we've ever
learned.
My doctorate is in Teaching and Learning. I use it a lot when I
teach at school, but I also do my best to apply what I've learned to
the life I'm living, and to observe how others live their lives.
What makes them happy or unhappy, stressed or peaceful, selfish or
generous, compassionate or arrogant? In this book, I've done my
best to pass on to you what I've learned from people in my life,
writers whose works I've read, and stories that I've heard.
Perhaps these principles can be a positive part of your life, too! Universal Principles of Living Life Fully. Awareness of
these principles can explain a lot and take much of the frustration
out of the lives we lead.
™
