What Are We Leaving Out?

I got an ad in the mail the other day for some sort of tape program that was going to make me happy and wealthy if I purchased it and listened to it.  It unlocks secrets in my mind and in my life that will allow me to transcend all of my problems and become a happy, fulfilled, wealthy human being.  I guess I'll never know if it's able to do those things, for I'm not going to order it.  Which is quite a shame, I guess, because if I do order it, I'll also get an additional two tapes valued at $29.99 absolutely free!  Isn't that just like having someone hand me thirty dollars?  

And all I have to do is order. . . .

But there was something missing from the mailing--missing in my eyes, anyway.  There was no price for this tape program anywhere, on any of the sheets.  I wanted to assume it was free and get in touch with them and claim my free tape program, but I'm not the kind of person who can successfully get away with something like that.  They wanted me to go online to their site and order this program based on the many promises that they made in their literature, without ever having told me how much the program costs.  It was pretty aggravating, to be honest.

But it got me thinking about myself and the way that I act, as almost everything does, and I realized that I very often have done the same thing to people when I've gotten to know them.  When I've tried to make friends, I've often "left out" very important parts of myself in the hope that people would like me anyway.  I've left out fears and likes and dislikes, hoping that the "package" I presented would be appealing to the person I wanted to be friends with.  To give a rather trivial example, I might have hated a certain movie, but if a person I was getting to know said they loved it, I might claim that I liked it, thus raising the value of the "package" I was trying to sell as a potential friend.

Would I just be lying, and I'm thinking too much about this?   I don't think so.  My intent wouldn't be to deceive, but I would be being deceptive.  I guess the most important question that comes to my mind is just how much are we supposed to reveal to other people?  Would it be at all productive to reveal everything?  What would I accomplish by telling a person that I hated a movie that he or she loved?  In a perfect world, we would all be able to express ourselves precisely without the fear of hurting or insulting other people, but our world isn't exactly perfect, and there's a lot of potential for harming others if we tell them that their taste in movies, for example, is flawed.  Perhaps it's better to smile and say "It was okay, but it wasn't exactly my kind of movie" in order to spare someone else potentially hurt feelings; after all, if we've just met a person, we have no idea where he or she is emotionally, do we?

But the price?  This is probably the most important piece of information related to the tape program, and to leave it out seems to border on blatant manipulation, but this type of marketing must work if businesses continue to use it.  The fact that it's successful is a good reflection of the fact that many people enter into relationships only to find out later that the person they're with isn't exactly the person they thought that he or she was.  As time goes on and new aspects of this person come into the light, the other person finds out just what this person was hiding in order to make him or herself look more attractive.

But what about us?  What do we leave out when we meet others?  And why do we leave it out?  If we don't let the person know something important because we want to spare their feelings or make them more comfortable, then maybe we're justified in doing so.  But if we omit certain parts of ourselves just to try to manipulate the person into feeling something about us that he or she probably wouldn't feel otherwise, then just what are we accomplishing?  The main thing that we've done is set ourselves and the other person up for some heavy-duty conflict down the road.

You are you.  You were made the way you are, and if someone rejects some aspect of who you are, then that's the person's problem, not yours.  We don't have to be close to every person we meet, and if we present a "pretty package" without telling the full price, then we're definitely guilty of manipulation on some level.  Let's be truthful in what we do, and we'll find that many, many aspects of our relationships begin to level out and become easier as a result of our forthrightness.

It won't be immediate, though, because first we have to start being honest to the people from whom we've withheld parts of ourselves.  They're going to wonder why we did so, and their reactions may be pretty negative.  But we can work through that, always striving to become more caring and more loving people.

   
More on honesty.