If
seeds in the black earth can turn into such beautiful
roses,
what might not the heart of the human become
in its long
journey toward the stars?
Gilbert Keith Chesterton
I
belong to the people I love, and they
belong to me--they, and the love
and loyalty I give them, form my identity
far more than any word or group ever could.
Veronica Roth
Whatever
authority I may have rests
solely
on knowing how little I know.
Please forgive me.
I forgive you.
Thank you.
I love you.
These four simple statements are powerful tools for
improving your relationships and your life. As a
doctor caring for seriously ill patients for nearly
fifteen years of emergency medicine practice and more than
25 years in hospice and palliative care, I have taught
hundreds of patients who were facing life's end, when
suffering can be profound, to say the Four Things. But
the Four Things apply at any time. Comprising
just eleven words, these four short sentences carry the
core wisdom of what people who are dying have taught me
about what matters most in life.
The Wisdom of Stating the Obvious
Ask a man who is being wheeled into transplant surgery or
a woman facing chemotherapy for the third time what's on
his or her mind and the answer will always involve the
people they love. Always.
The specter of death reveals our relationships to be our
most precious possessions.
I've lost
count of the number of times I've met people in my office,
an emergency room, or a hospice program who have expressed
deep regret over things they wish they had said before a
grandparent, parent, sibling, or friend died. They
can't change what was, but without fail their regrets have
fueled a healthy resolve to say what needs to be said
before it's too late--to clear away hurt feelings, to
connect in profound ways with the people who mean the most
to them.
Everyone knows that all relationships, even the most
loving, have occasional rough spots. We assume that
the people we love know that we love them, even if we've
had our disagreements and tense moments. Yet when
someone we love dies suddenly, we often have gnawing
doubts.
We are all sons and daughters, whether we are six years of
age or ninety-six. Even the most loving parent-child
relationship can feel forever incomplete if your mother or
father dies without having explicitly expressed affection
for you or without having acknowledged past
tensions. I've learned from my patients and their
families about the painful regret that comes from not
speaking these most basic feelings. Again and again,
I've witnessed the value of stating the obvious.
When you love someone, it is never too soon to say,
"I love you," or premature to say, "Thank
you," "I forgive you," or "Will you
please forgive me?" When there is nothing of
profound importance left unsaid, relationships tend to
take on an aspect of celebration, as they should.
A deep, natural drive to connect with others lies at the
heart of what it means to be human. The Four Things
can help you discover opportunities to enliven all
your important relationships--with your children, parents,
relatives, and close friends. You need not wait
until you or someone you love is seriously ill. By
taking the time and by caring enough to express
forgiveness, gratitude, and affection, you can renew and
revitalize your most precious connections.
A Nice
Song and Video (I think I might have included this one
fairly recently, but I can't remember! It doesn't
matter, though, because it's worth seeing again):
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non-fiction!
Talking with thousands of people over the years
has shown me that there's one desire we all
share: We want to feel valued.
Whether you're a mother in Topeka or a
businessperson in Philadelphia, each of us, at
our core, longs to be loved, needed, understood,
affirmed--to have intimate connections that
leave us feeling more alive and human.
I once filmed a show in which I interviewed
seven men of different ages and backgrounds, all
of whom had one thing in common: They had
cheated on their wives. It was one of the
most interesting, candid conversations I've ever
had, and a huge aha moment for me. I
realized that the yearning to feel heard,
needed, and important is so strong in all of us
that we seek validation in whatever form we can
get it. For a lot of people--men and
women--having an affair is an affirmation that I'm
really okay. One of the men I
interviewed, who'd been married 18 years and
thought he had a moral code that would withstand
flirtatious temptations, said about his
mistress, "There wasn't anything special
about her. But she listened, was
interested, and made me feel
special." That's the key, I
thought--we all want to feel like we matter to
somebody.
As a girl growing up shuffled between
Mississippi, Nashville, and Milwaukee, I didn't
feel loved. I thought I could make people
approve of me by becoming an achiever.
Then, in my twenties, I based my worth on
whether a man would love me. I remember
once even throwing a boyfriend's keys down the
toilet to keep him from walking out on me!
I was no different from a physically abused
woman. I wasn't getting slapped upside the
head every night, but because my wings were
clipped I couldn't soar. I had so much
going on for me, but without a man I thought I
was nothing. Not until years later did I
understand that the love and approval I craved
could not be found outside myself.
What I know for sure is that a lack of intimacy
is not distance from someone else; it is
disregard for yourself. It's true that we
all need the kind of relationships that enrich
and sustain us. But it's also true that if
you're looking for someone to heal and complete
you--to shush that voice inside you that has
always whispered You're not worth anything--you
are wasting your time. Why? Because
if you don't already know that you have worth,
there's nothing your friends, your family, or
your mate can say that will completely convince
you of that. The Creator has given you
full responsibility for your life, and with that
responsibility comes an amazing privilege--the
power to give yourself the love, affection, and
intimacy you may not have received as a
child. You are the one best mother,
father, sister, friend, cousin, and lover you
will ever have.
Right now you're one choice away from seeing
yourself as someone whose life has inherent
significance--so choose to see it that
way. You don't have to spend one more
second focusing on a past deprived of the
affirmation you should have gotten from your
parents. Yes, you did deserve that love,
but it's up to you now to bestow it upon
yourself and move forward. Stop waiting
for your spouse to say "I appreciate
you," your kids to tell you what a great
parent you are, a man or woman to whisk you away
and marry you, or your best friend to assure you
that you're worth a darn. Look inward--the
loving begins with you.
Living
Life Fully, the e-zine
exists to try to provide for visitors of the world wide web a
place
of growth, peace, inspiration, and encouragement. Our
articles
are presented as thoughts of the authors--by no means do
we
mean to present them as ways that anyone has to live
life. Take
from them what you will, and disagree with
whatever you disagree
with--just know that they'll be here for you
each week.
Our
imagination is the most important faculty we possess.
It can be
our greatest resource or our most formidable
adversary. It is through
our imagination that we discern possibilities and
options. Yet
imagination is no mere blank slate on which we simply
inscribe our
will. Rather, imagination is the deepest voice of the
soul and can be
heard clearly only through cultivation and careful
attention. A
relationship with our imagination is a relationship with our
deepest self.
Pat B. Allen
Art Is a Way of Knowing
Mistakes
When it comes to
mistakes, I am absolutely my own worst enemy. When
I make a mistake, even if I fix it rather clearly and
effectively, I still make myself pay for it again and
again, usually for days, sometimes for weeks or
months. It doesn't matter how trivial the mistake
is--if it's something that another person has the
opportunity to judge me about, then I'm going to agonize
over my mistake for a very long time.
This is very unfair to myself--I know that. I
shouldn't do it. I know that, too. But
somewhere along the line, I learned to judge myself very
harshly for the mistakes that I make, and I learned that
lesson very well.
I made a mistake yesterday, a rather trivial one, and I
admitted my mistake very quickly and made sure that
everyone involved knew that I had made a mistake.
It didn't help--I woke up this morning with that mistake
running through my mind over and over again, thinking
that the people involved can't help but think less of me
now, can't help but be judging me for what I did and
said.
The simple truth is that while I'm here thinking that
they're wherever they are, upset about the mistake I
made, they've more than likely completely forgotten it,
and have moved on with their lives, just as I should do
and as I try to do.
How many
times do we pay for one mistake? The answer is
thousands of times. The human is the only animal on earth
that pays a thousand times for the same mistake. The rest
of the animals pay once for every mistake they make. But not us.
We have a powerful memory. We make a mistake, we judge ourselves,
we find ourselves guilty, and we punish ourselves. If justice
exists,
then that was enough; we don't need to do it again. But every
time we remember, we judge ourselves again, we are guilty again,
and we punish ourselves again, and again, and again. If we have
a wife or husband he or she also reminds us of the mistake, so we
can judge ourselves again, punish ourselves again,
and find ourselves guilty again. Is this fair?
I know the origin of
my tendency to hang on to mistakes. In our
family, mistakes were an opportunity for other
family members to mock you, to make fun of you, to
make you pay over and over for the mistake.
Because of this, I've grown up feeling a need to be
perfect, just so that I can avoid being mocked and
made fun of. There was a lot of mental and
emotional cruelty in my family, because that was the
way that we made jokes--by finding others'
weaknesses and frailties and mistakes and making fun
of them. It was horrible in many ways going
through life not wanting to make even the slightest
mistake because you know that if you do, the people
whom you love the most will make fun of you rather
mercilessly. It was definitely something to
avoid.
This is one of those situations where my brain and
my heart still aren't in sync. Intellectually,
of course, I know that I should just put the
mistakes behind me and not agonize over them, for
I'm just hurting myself when I keep thinking about
them and re-judging myself, over and over
again. But it still happens that they keep
coming to mind, and I immediately get mad at myself
over them, I regret having made them, and I believe
that other people are judging me harshly for
them. In my heart, I know the truth: it
was just a mistake. Learn from it and move on.
But over the years my brain has also learned some
techniques that keep me from agonizing over things
TOO much. I can remind myself over and over
again that it really was just a mistake, and that I
need to stop allowing it to make me miserable.
I can try to convince myself that everyone who
witnessed it has forgotten about it--after all, not
everyone on this planet tries or needs to mock
others for their errors. And I can stay
focused on the present moment and all the beauty and
work that's there--after all, this tiny part of the
past isn't something that's all that important.
I
believe that you should not be judged by the mistakes you've made
in life but rather should be judged by how you fix them.
Bill Resler
There are some
benefits, too, to having this tendency. The
most important one that I can see is that it allows
me to recognize it in other people, and that gives
me the chance to encourage them not to be hard on
themselves for simple mistakes. This is
especially important when I work with young people,
for if I can help them to break this habit early, it
can be a very positive change for them in their
lives.
Also concerning the young, especially children,
every time I do this to myself, I'm reminded of just
how long these traits tend to last. And when I
remember that, I know that I don't want to be an
adult who contributes to such lifelong traits in the
kids I work with. I want to encourage them and
help them to see what they're doing well and give
them credit for trying hard, not cut them down for
every little mistake they make. As a teacher,
I know that most people learn much more effectively
as a result of positive feedback than negative, so
I'm actually doing my job better when I encourage,
and not doing my job well when I criticize and cut
down.
It also invites reflection of an important
type. For example, am I afraid of other
people's judgment about my mistakes because I judge
others harshly for theirs? I don't think that
I do, but it's something that's worth pondering, and
I do start to look at the ways that I respond to the
mistakes of others--and eventually, that's something
that can work for good.
Nature does not
require that we be perfect; it requires
only that we grow, and we can do this as well
from a mistake as from a success.
Rollo May
Perspective is
important: This isn't something that ruins my
life. It is, though, something that I wish
wasn't a part of my life. It does add some
stress that really doesn't do anything positive for
me at all. I am able to work through it after
a while, but I still have an exaggerated fear of
making mistakes, and an extremely exaggerated
response to having done so. And even as I grow
older and older, I'm still working on it!
Perhaps one day I'll be able to make a mistake and
not agonize over having made it, and over how others
are judging me for it--because the truth is, of
course, that they more than likely aren't judging me
for it at all. And if they are, then the
problem is more likely theirs than mine.
You
can understand and relate to most people if you look at
them--no matter how old or impressive they may be--as if they are children.
For most of us never really grow
up or mature all that much--we
simply grow taller.
Oh, to be sure, we laugh less and play less and
wear
uncomfortable disguises like adults, but beneath the
costume
is the child we always are, whose needs are
simple, whose
daily life is still best described by fairy
tales.
These
words from Albert Schweitzer changed my life, and they may
change yours: "You are happy. Therefore
you are called to give up much. Whatever you have
received more than others in health, in talents, in ability,
in a pleasant childhood, in harmonious conditions of home
life, all this you must not take to yourself as a matter of
course. You must pay for it. You must render in
return an unusually great sacrifice of your life for other
lives."
Clara
McBride Hale, or "Mother Hale" as she is called,
loves children and when she began finding abused, abandoned,
and even infants infected with the AIDS virus, she took them
in and loved them as her own.
In
1969, Mother Hale opened Hale House, a shelter for children
and a lifesaving environment for young drug-addicted
mothers. In recognition of her contribution, President
Ronald Reagan named Mother Hale an American Hero in 1985.
An
attitude of creative giving can become the greatest creative
force in the world. When we consider all that others
have done for us since the world began, we become stimulated
and inspired to do something for the world. In a deep
sense we owe the world a creative spirit. There are
millions of ways, great and small, that creative energy may
be put to work.
Success
in life is too often measured by what a person
acquires. More meaningful is what a person
contributes.
And
this goes beyond the contribution of money to the
contribution of ideas, plans, methods, ideals, visions,
projects. Behind all material progress is mental and
spiritual progress. The creative thinkers start the
ball rolling. They visualize programs and goals.
They dream dreams. They help people to grow.
And
in a personal way they enrich themselves in something more
than dollars. They contribute love, hope, courage,
faith, peace, and joy to others. Such a spirit of
contribution has broad and long-lasting influence; a depth
of true success is experienced that can be attained in no
other way.
Go-givers
are far more effective than go-getters, and when you give
ideas, you give the most precious gifts life has to offer,
for everything begins with an idea!
What
are we going to get out of life? This can understandably be
a question of fundamental importance to us. We begin with
certain
basic needs and desires. It is important to have a comfortable
home, plenty of food, a meaningful and well-paying job, comfort,
companionship, and joy. However, many of us have not fully
realized a simple, basic principle: for our receiving to take
place,
we must first give. Giving and receiving are two
aspects of the same law of life.
John Marks Templeton Worldwide Laws of Life
Yes, life
can be mysterious and confusing--but there's much of life that's
actually rather dependable and reliable. Some principles apply
to life in so many different contexts that they can truly be called
universal--and learning what they are and how to approach them and use
them can teach us some of the most important lessons that we've ever
learned.
My doctorate is in Teaching and Learning. I use it a lot when I
teach at school, but I also do my best to apply what I've learned to
the life I'm living, and to observe how others live their lives.
What makes them happy or unhappy, stressed or peaceful, selfish or
generous, compassionate or arrogant? In this book, I've done my
best to pass on to you what I've learned from people in my life,
writers whose works I've read, and stories that I've heard.
Perhaps these principles can be a positive part of your life, too! Universal Principles of Living Life Fully. Awareness of
these principles can explain a lot and take much of the frustration
out of the lives we lead.
™
