How do we keep from living a life with regret?  In the introduction to this book I mentioned a woman named Margaret who told me how she tried to live her life from the perspective of an old woman sitting in a rocking chair on the porch.  She told me that whenever she had a decision to make she asked herself this question:  "When I am an old woman sitting in my rocking chair thinking about my life, what decision will I wish I had made?"  She told me that in almost every case, the path she should take became clear to her.  Deena Metzger, well-known author and spiritual guide, put it this way:  "Choose the path that makes for the best story."

This is an interesting but simple way to live a life with no regrets.  We continually look ahead and ask ourselves when I am old or when I come to the end of my life will I regret the step I am about to make?  Will the way I am living now lead to the path of regret or no regrets?

Earlier in my life, as a young adult, I had many opportunities to do interesting things.  As I listened to the stories of people's lives, I realized that some of my most significant regrets have to do with the opportunities I turned away, often because of fear.  One of these moments occurred while I was in seminary studying for the ministry.  On two occasions I was offered a summer chaplaincy internship in two of America's great national parks, Grand Teton and Shenandoah.  Nature had always held a special place in my heart, but I grew up in a large city and I had never had the opportunity to spend a significant amount of time in the outdoors.

The idea of working in a park was deeply appealing, and part of me knew the experience would be invaluable.  However, I was involved in a relationship at the time and worried about being separated from this person for a few months, so I turned down the opportunity both times.  To this day, I believe that if I had projected my self ahead to the old man on the porch, I might have heard myself say:  "If the relationship is strong, it will survive the absence, but you love nature and may never be offered this chance again."  The relationship did not last, and the opportunity never came again.

There is a more recent example from my life.  This past year a good friend of mine offered me the opportunity to spend a month in East Africa with 15 other mid-life men, meeting with tribal elders and camping in the wilderness.  This was a dream come true, but it was my busiest time of the year, and I would have to turn down a significant amount of work to take this trip.  This time, I paid a visit to that old man on the porch.  He told me:  "When you are my age, you won't miss the money you lost this month, but you will carry Africa in your heart."  I took the trip, explored several fascinating cultures, saw amazing wilderness that I had never seen before, and missed the presence of my family, which reminded me of how much they mean to me.  While in Tanzania, I sat with tribal elders and germinated the idea for this project.  My worry about the interference of a "busy" schedule almost got in the way of one of the most important experiences of my life.

The most important thing the conversations that led me to this book taught me about this second secret is to make sure we try for the things we want in our lives, because we are unlikely to regret trying and failing.  The second most important lesson is that if there is a relationship that must be healed, heal it now.  When I ask people about regrets in their lives, most of them spoke about people in their lives, about issues not resolved, words not spoken, broken relationships never healed.