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12 April 2022
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To
have a purpose that is worthwhile, and that is steadily
being accomplished, is one of the secrets of a life that
is worth living.
Herbert
Casson
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Love is what we were born with.
fear is what we learned here. The spiritual journey is the
relinquishment, or unlearning, of fear and the acceptance of love
back into our hearts.
Marianne
Williamson
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All
people ought to begin with themselves, and make their own
happiness first, from which the happiness of the whole
world would at last unquestionably follow.
Johann
Wolfgang von Goethe
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People
have a need to feel their pain. Very often pain is the
beginning
of a great deal of awareness. As an energy center it
awakens consciousness.
Arnold
Mindell
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Seeing from the Essential Self
Martha Beck
I was once lucky enough to have lunch with the
mother of Chris Burke, the actor who has appeared
regularly on TV shows such as Life Goes On
and Touched by an Angel and who happens to
have Down's syndrome. I also have a son with
Down's syndrome, and Chris's success has been a
source of hope and happiness in my family for a long
time. His mom is an absolutely lovely woman,
very kind and funny. Over lunch, she told me
about Chris's career: He's booked solid for
speaking and acting jobs more than two years in
advance, travels constantly to keep up with his
engagements, and is mobbed by well-wishers and
autograph seekers wherever he goes.
Naturally, hearing this made me practically
effervesce with admiration. "At the
moment the doctors came in and told you Chris has
Down's syndrome," I asked Mrs. Burke,
"would you ever have dreamed he was going to be
a famous TV star?" I thought this
question was rhetorical; naturally, she would have
been completely unable to believe that her poor
retarded baby would ever make good. But Mrs.
Burke didn't bat an eye.
"Of course," she said, a bit
quizzically. "Why not?"
I could tell this wasn't revisionist history.
From the moment he was born, Chris Burke's family
really had seen the truth of his talent and
potential.
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I have no doubt that his generalized other is based on this
limitless, optimistic, and clear-eyed love. Does this mean
Chris has suffered no failures, disappointments, or
humiliations? Of course not. Does it mean everybody,
literally everybody, loves and admires him? No again--a
lot of people while away their pathetic little lives pelting
people like Chris with rocks and insults. But his
benevolent Everybody does mean that Chris Burke feels, and
projects, enormous faith in himself and complete acceptance of
others. It means he handles criticism thoughtfully and
well. And it means that he lives in a virtual ocean of
positive feedback, coming from literally millions of
people. He firmly believes every one of the positive
statements above applies to him and that Everybody can see it's
true.
One reason I can see my clients the way Mrs. Burke sees Chris is
that my essential self tends to come out when I'm doing life
design. As this occurs, it becomes impossible for me to
see the false, social-self version of the person sitting across
from me. The more you integrate your essential self, the
more you will perceive both yourself and others in this
way. When the curtain of social judgment pulls back, it
reveals the most amazing beauty.
I first became aware of this phenomenon when I was a college art
student. Every few weeks, I'd join this or that group of
artists, and we'd all pitch in a few bucks to rent a studio and
hire a model. Most of the people we got to pose were
college students with bodies that matched the social
ideal--slender, fit, perfectly proportioned. (After all,
who else would risk standing naked in a room full of
strangers?) And then, one day, we got somebody really
different.
She looked well over sixty, with a deeply lined face and a body
that was probably fifty pounds heavier than her doctors would
have liked. She'd had a few doctors, too, judging from her
scars. Shining purple welts from a cesarean section and
knee surgery cut deep rifts in the rippled adipose fat of her
lower body. Another scar ran across one side of her chest,
where her left breast had once been. When she first limped
onto the dais to pose, I felt so much pity and unease that I
physically flinched. But we were there to draw her, so I
picked up a pencil.
The thing about drawing is that you can't do it well with your
social self. You have to bring out your essential self,
which doesn't know anything about social stereotypes. And
so, as I began to draw this maimed old woman, the most amazing
thing happened. Within five minutes, she became a person
of absolutely wondrous beauty. She didn't look like a
supermodel; she didn't have to. Her body, in and of
itself, was as beautiful as a piece of polished driftwood, or a
wind-carved rock, or a waterfall. My essential self didn't
know that I was supposed to compare the woman to various movie
stars, any more than it would have evaluated the Andes Mountains
by judging how much they looked like an Iowa cornfield. It
simply saw her as she was: an exquisite sculptural form.
When this perceptual shift happened, I was so surprised that I
stopped drawing and simply stared. The model seemed to
notice this, and without turning her head, looked straight into
my eyes. Then I saw the ghost of a smile flicker across
her face, and I realized something else: She knew she
was beautiful. She knew it, and she knew that I'd seen
it. Maybe that's why she had consented to pose nude in the
first place. Knowing that a roomful of artists couldn't
draw her without seeing her--I mean really seeing
her--she may have decided to give us a gentle education about
our perceptions.
If you feel a bit isolated or scared, and your faith in yourself
isn't exactly earthquake-proof, you must learn to do what Chris
Burke and my Mystery Model seemed to do naturally: replace
your hypercritical, limiting, lying Everybody with an Everybody
who sees you as you really are. Once again, find yourself
a pencil and prepare to do a little work. You're about to
learn what it feels like to search for your own North Star with
Everybody on your side.
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How
We Add to Our Own Suffering
The Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler
While some kinds of suffering are inevitable, other
kinds are self-created. We explored, for
instance, how the refusal to accept suffering as a
natural part of life can lead to viewing oneself as a
perpetual victim and blaming others for our
problems--a surefire recipe for a miserable life.
But we also add to our own suffering in other
ways. All too often we perpetuate our pain, keep
it alive, by replaying our hurts over and over again
in our minds, magnifying our injuries in the
process. We repeat our painful memories with the
unconscious wish perhaps that somehow it will change
the situation--but it never does. Of course,
sometimes this endless recounting of our woes can
serve a limited purpose; it can add drama and a
certain excitement to our lives or elicit attention
and sympathy from others. But this seems like a
poor trade-off for the unhappiness we continue to
endure.
In speaking about how we add to our own suffering, the
Dalai Lama explained, "We can see that there are
many ways in which we actively contribute to our own
experience of mental unrest and suffering.
Although, in general, mental and emotional afflictions
themselves can come naturally, often it is our own
reinforcement of those negative emotions that makes
them so much worse. For instance when we have
anger or hatred towards a person, there is less
likelihood of its developing to a very intense degree
if we leave it unattended. However, if we think
about the projected injustices done to us, the ways in
which we have been unfairly treated, and we keep on
thinking about them over and over, then that feeds the
hatred. It makes the hatred very powerful and
intense. Of course, the same can apply to when
we have an attachment towards a particular person; we
can feed that by thinking how beautiful he or she is,
and as we keep thinking about the projected qualities
that we see in the person, the attachment becomes more
and more intense. But this shows how through
constant familiarity and thinking, we ourselves can
make our emotions more intense and powerful.
"We also often add to our pain and suffering by
being overly sensitive, overreacting to minor things,
and sometimes taking things too personally. We
tend to take small things too seriously and blow them
up out of proportion, while at the same time we often
remain indifferent to the really important things,
those things which have profound effects on our lives
and long-term consequences and implications.
"So I think that to a large extent, whether you
suffer depends on how you respond to a given
situation. For example, say that you find out
that someone is speaking badly of you behind your
back. If you react to this knowledge that
someone is speaking badly of you, this negativity,
with a feeling of hurt or anger, then you yourself
destroy your own peace of mind. On the other
hand, if you refrain from reacting in a negative way,
let the slander pass you by as if it were a silent
wind passing behind your ears, you protect yourself
from that feeling of hurt, that feeling of
agony. So, although you may not always be able
to avoid difficult situations, you can modify the
extent to which you suffer by how you choose to
respond to the situation."
"We also often add to our pain and suffering
by being overly sensitive, overreacting to minor
things, and sometimes taking things too personally. .
." With these words, the Dalai Lama
recognizes the origin of many of the day-to-day
aggravations that can add up to be a major source of
suffering. Therapists sometimes call this
process personalizing our pain--the tendency to
narrow our psychological field of vision by
interpreting or misinterpreting everything that occurs
in terms of its impact on us.
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Patience and
tenacity of purpose are assets
of infinitely greater
value than cleverness. There is
great strength in patiently waiting.
The sun, having
set, comes up. The tide ebbs,
but always flows in again.
Fred van Amburgh
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What Can I Share
Today?
Today is another day full of possibility and potential. Life
is going on, and I'm going on with it. And during the course
of this day, I have many opportunities to share with other
people--in fact, in a lot of cases, I'll be forced to share with
others, things like space (in an elevator, for example), time,
ideas, and so much more. Sharing is one of the key elements
of living a full and rewarding life, yet it's something that we
don't think about all that often--if at all--until we're forced by
circumstances to share things that we didn't expect to share.
But we can think about what we're going to share. We can
consciously decide to share what we have with other human beings,
enriching their lives as well as our own, giving something to
others that may be valuable to them. And when we do that, we
find that our own lives are enriched, too, for we discover that
others are more than willing to share with us, too.
For example, I can decide to share some kind words today. I
have a lot of them inside of me, just waiting to be set free so
that they can benefit someone else. I can tell someone else
that I'm impressed with the work that they've done, or I can
compliment someone on their clothes or their smile or their
eyes. I can wish them a pleasant day, or I can simply thank
them sincerely for something that they've done. And they're
free--it costs me nothing to share them.
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You
are forgiven for your happiness and your successes
only if you generously consent to share them.
Albert Camus
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I could also
share my knowledge today. Now, I'm a teacher,
so this is something that I do constantly as a
matter of course. But some of the most
important sharing that I've ever done has been in
non-teaching situations, with people who aren't my
students. I've learned a lot in my life, and
much of it is different stuff than other people have
learned because of our unique situations.
Sometimes, my knowledge is just what someone else
needs. That doesn't mean that I need to tell
them what to do or how to do it--I can just tell
what I know, and allow the other person to use that
knowledge as they will.
My smile is
also something that I can share. Our smiles
are possibly our most important tool of
communications with others, and when we use them
sincerely, they can be one of the most important
things that we ever share. A smile shows
acceptance and caring in a very simple way, and my
smile can be a great addition to another person's
day. I know this because I know how I feel
when other people share their smiles with me--it's
an act that lifts me up and makes me feel good, and
I do have the power to do this for others.
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Love
only grows by sharing. You can only have more
for yourself by giving it away to others.
Brian Tracy
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Sharing time
has become one of the most difficult things that we
do in our culture these days, for we tend to be
rushing from thing to thing constantly. We
reach a point at which we simply feel that "I
don't have the time for that," so we avoid
certain obligations or commitments.
Unfortunately, the people who lose out on our time
often are those people who need it the most, such as
our children or friends who are going through
difficult times or spouses who wish we would spend
more time with them. Time is one of those
things with which we can gauge our selfishness
versus our generosity, and sharing it can be one of
the greatest gifts we ever give to other human
beings. I can share my time by simply being
with someone else, by reading to someone, by having
a meal and a nice talk with someone, by listening to
someone who's going through trials, by going for a
walk, or in many, many other ways.
Today, I can share my blessings. Perhaps I
have enough money to buy more food than others are
able to buy--that food can be shared in many
ways. Maybe I have more money than others do,
and just a little bit of that money can make a very
large difference in someone's life. The
clothes that I no longer wear can be donated to a
thrift store, helping both the people who buy them
cheaply and the organization that earns the money
when they buy them. It could be that I've been
blessed with a pleasant singing voice or the gift of
being able to play a musical instrument--sharing
such a gift can make many people feel very good,
indeed, and it can make me feel good when I make
others feel good.
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Sharing is sometimes more demanding than giving.
Mary Bateson
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There are many
things that we can share that require a great deal
of tact and sensitivity. For example, I can
share my observations with others today, about the
ways that they do things or how they might improve
their performance at work or in school. When I
do so, though, I run the risk of sounding like I'm
criticizing or even mocking the person. And in
all truth, my observations may be completely
unwelcome, as the person may be working through
something in his or her own way. For example,
at work I may see that one of my colleagues does
something in a way that's inefficient. If I
share that observation, though, I run the risk of
sounding more focused on criticism than on advice,
and the other person may not welcome at all what I
have to say.
We also run the risk of sharing too much, especially
when we talk about personal information. Such
information is shared in an attempt to be closer to
another person, to help them to get to know us in a
more intimate way, but when we share too much, we
run the risk of making people uncomfortable, put
off, or even angry. I know people who dominate
conversations so much that it's unpleasant to be
around them--they share everything about their lives
and thoughts and experiences, yet they don't allow
the other person to share anything. As with
most things in life, finding a balance is extremely
important.
What do you have to share today? It may be
just a few encouraging words or a mini candy bar,
but no matter what, there must be something in your
life that you can give to others on this day.
And the beauty in doing so is that when we do share,
we brighten both the life of someone else and our
own lives, even if just for a few fleeting
moments--but over time those moments can add up to
hours and even days if we're consistent. Find
something to share today, and add something very
pleasant to the life you're leading.
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When I'm
out walking without hurry and without a destination, my
mind tends to relax as I focus on so many things outside
of myself, as I see the natural world around me and
breathe the fresh air. A long walk can help me to
reach a state of clarity much more easily than any other
practice that I've ever discovered, and walks have often
helped me through difficult times in my life.
tom walsh
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Thinking
Like a Farmer
Jim Rohn
One
of the difficulties we face in our industrialized age is the fact
we've lost our sense of seasons. Unlike the farmer whose
priorities change with the seasons, we have become impervious to the
natural rhythm of life. As a result, we have our priorities out
of balance. Let me illustrate what I mean:
For farmers, springtime is their most active time. It's then
when they must work around the clock, getting up before the sun and
still toiling at the stroke of midnight. They must keep their
equipment running at full capacity because they have but a small
window of time for the planting of their crops. Eventually
winter comes when there is less for them to do to keep him busy.
There is a lesson here. Learn to use the seasons of life.
Decide when to pour it on and when to ease back, when to take
advantage and when to let things ride. It's easy to keep going
from nine to five year in and year out and lose a natural sense of
priorities and cycles. Don't let one year blend into another in
a seemingly endless parade of tasks and responsibilities. Keep
your eye on your own seasons, lest you lose sight of value and
substance.
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Keep
interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals, and
everywhere life
is full of heroism.
Max Ehrmann
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