provides the key for many of our current views and
beliefs. Unfortunately, we rarely listen to
ourselves with conscious attention and so we miss many
clues that could help us understand our behavior.
Here are three areas where it would benefit us to pay
particular attention while we are speaking. Very
often the blocks to our success are revealed this way.
1. Words that keep us where we are. (The "I've Fallen
and Can't Get Up" syndrome).
Some words, like 'should', 'must' and 'try' keep us locked
where we are. 'Shoulds' and 'musts' are typically
other people's expectations and not our own desires.
Because they're not ours, they never seem to get done, but
we carry the guilt around all the time. 'Trying' is
actually a pre-fabricated excuse for not succeeding.
Think back over the times you've used the word try.
How often have you not even made the attempt at something
if you started by 'trying' to do it?
RECOMMENDATION: Program yourself to have an alarm go
off every time you use the words 'should', 'must', 'try'
and any others you would like to stop using. That
gives you a chance, in the moment, to look at what you are
saying and provides you the opportunity to rephrase it
immediately. Doing it in the moment is immediately
freeing. To program yourself, all you have to do is make a
clear and definite intention to notice when you are using
2. Negating thoughts. (The "Way We Were" syndrome)
I was recently working with a client on a challenging
situation. During the hour she had made some
insightful discoveries and was able to see that the
situation was actually an opportunity and the universe's
way of reminding her it was time to move on. She
became very calm and centered and we moved on to other
topics. As we were winding down the call, she again
brought up the situation and talked about how angry and
hurt she was. I asked her to stop and get
Was she feeling angry and hurt in that
moment? Her answer was no. Then why did she say
it? Because she was so used to talking about anger
and hurt when she talked about the situation that the old
tape automatically started playing. Eventually, the
old tape would kill off the new tape she was trying to
create and keep her feeling angry and hurt.
RECOMMENDATION: If there is a situation or person
that evokes highly charged energy for you, choose to pay
attention to all conversations about it. You can
definitely talk about what you 'did' feel (honoring those
legitimate feelings), but also bring in your current
feelings about it and any understandings gained.
This keeps you in the present and complete with the past,
allowing you to build the future you desire.
3. The 'other' half of our history. (The "If I Don't
Acknowledge It, It Never Happened" syndrome).
When we believe something strongly, we usually accept
without question anything that supports that belief.
The opposite is also true. When we believe something
strongly, we tend to ignore incidents that would break
down that belief. This is true even when the belief
is ultimately something that undermines our ability to
achieve our goals.
As an example, a client of mine has run into blocks in
achieving her goals because of a very critical inner
voice, one that was reinforced by her father.
Recently, in talking about her writing, a recognized
strength, she said in passing: "My father
always told me I was a good writer. He was the only
one who believed in me". I asked her to stop
and listen to those words. It took her a few minutes
to accept this picture of nurturing and integrate it with
the view of the stern and critical father she usually
holds. It was a small step, but an essential one.
By acknowledging "all" of our history, both
positive and negative, we make the journey to wholeness.
RECOMMENDATION: Are there people or events from long
ago that can trigger your buttons today? If so,
program yourself to have an alarm go off EVERY time you
bring up that person or event. Pay attention to what you
say. Does it conform to your belief around this
situation? Is it true? If it's true but
doesn't support your belief, can you allow yourself to
accept it as true? Can you begin to broaden your
picture of the person or event? With this new idea,
can you begin to see that the piece that still hurts you
was probably about them and not about you? Open
yourself up to the possibilities and remember this is to
free you, not them. As we free ourselves from the
past, we are able to make better choices in the
present. And the choices we make here and now are
the cornerstone for our future.
Louise Morganti Kaelin. Louise was a Life Success Coach who
partnered with others to help them turn their dreams into
reality. She passed on in 2011.