It's
time for another issue of our e-zine, and we're very
glad that you're here
with us to share some important words that can help
us to make our journeys a
bit clearer, a bit less frightening, and a bit
easier to travel. Thank you!
Most of us don't even know that we have commitments
other than the ones we're trying to manifest.
That's why I call these hidden commitments underlying
commitments: they exist at an unconscious
level. They are our first commitments, and if
they are not made conscious they will override any
other desires. Our underlying commitments
drive our thoughts, our beliefs, and--most
important--our choices; they are the unseen forces
that shape our realities. Our underlying
commitments are responsible for the discrepancy
between what we say we want and what we're actually
experiencing.
These underlying commitments are formed by
unconscious decisions we've made in the past.
If you were raised by controlling parents, even
though you think you long for discipline and
structure, your life might always be in a state of
chaos because your first commitment is to being a
free spirit. Or it might be that you have an
underlying commitment to stay safe, so your choices
will be consistent with this commitment. Even
when you long to ask for a promotion or take a
leadership role, you won't be able to manifest your
longing because your first commitment is to staying
within the confines of your current reality.
Or, in the dark recesses of your unconsciousness,
you may have decided that you can't trust anyone and
that it's easier to be alone. So, even though
you want love and intimacy in your life, you always
choose the wrong mate because your first commitment
is to being by yourself.
When you
continually make choices that are in direct conflict with what
you say you want, it is imperative that you expose their
roots. When you find yourself baffled by the choices you
make in the face of your stated intentions, check for underlying
commitments. I promise you, they are there.
These underlying commitments keep us stuck in the same place
year after year. Most of us just think of our unconscious
choices as acts of weakness or bad luck, as familiar, known
mistakes, errors, or misjudgments. We buy a new purse when
we say we are committed to paying off our credit cards. We
eat a cupcake when we say we are committed to losing
weight. We deceive a loved one when we say we are
committed to having an honest and intimate relationship.
Each time we set forth a new vision for ourselves, we are likely
to come face-to-face with the underlying commitment that has
controlled this area of our lives and prevented us from
attaining this goal. I'll give you an example: My
deepest desire at this time in my life is to be in the best
physical health possible. This means that on my next
birthday I will have more muscle mass, lower cholesterol, and
richer blood and will be able to maintain forty minutes of
intense aerobic exercise without panting like a tired dog.
To achieve this goal, I will need to make healthy choices about
everything I put in my body.
I want you to know that I already eat well. Any person
examining my diet would tell me I was doing pretty well.
But the other morning, after hearing from yet another doctor
that I needed to look after my sugar intake and lower my
cholesterol, what do you think the first thing I wanted to
consume was? Well, I make this fantastic coffee
drink. I take part of my son's chocolate protein shake and
mix it with my coffee, and voila--I have my morning fix.
And this delicious drink just happens to be full of everything I
am not supposed to have.
But on this particular morning, while going about this ritual in
my automatic, trancelike state, I suddenly heard my inner voice
say, "This drink is filled with caffeine and sugar.
It isn't the wisest choice this morning given your health
goal. What could you have instead?" I tried
very hard to ignore this voice and even started to argue with
it: "For God's sake, it's only one coffee drink"
(my intellect); "Oh, but it makes me feel so cared
for" (my emotions). But once I asked myself a Right
Question--whether having this coffee drink was a choice of
self-love or self-sabotage--no matter how hard I tried, I
couldn't hide the fact that I was about to make an unwise
choice.
Clearly, I was about to begin my day with a choice that would
disempower me rather than empower me. I was acutely aware
that this choice would keep me stuck in a pattern from my past
rather than take me closer to my dream. In light of this
realization, I had to question why I would be tempted to make
this choice. I knew that I must have an unconscious first
commitment to something other than my goal for obtaining optimum
health. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and asked
myself, "What am I really committed to at this
moment?" What I heard was that I was more committed
to receiving the comfort that this particular drink gives
me. As I breathed in and listened to my inner wisdom, I
could actually see an image of a part of me that was longing for
some attention, comfort, and love.
Having brought my underlying commitment into my conscious
awareness, I now could make one of two choices. I could
ask myself how I could fill the needs of the part of me that
wanted to slow down and give it some attention. Several
options came to mind--taking a walk by the beach, snuggling with
my son, soaking in a warm bath. Or I could follow the
orders of my first commitment and go for the quick fix.
One choice would lead me in the direction of my deepest desire;
the other choice would leave me further away.
This is the war, the internal struggle that goes on between our
unconscious commitments and our soul's desires. Our soul
longs for all the things that will bring us joy and fulfillment,
while our unconscious, underlying commitments strive to be
expressed and validated. Underlying commitments are so
potent because they are our first commitments. Left
unexamined, they will keep us stuck in the past and rob us of
the future we deserve. Underlying commitments drive us to
repeat the same self-sabotaging behaviors over and over again as
they fuel our resignation. Since most of us were never
taught about these underlying first commitments, we are unaware
that they even exist. But uncover them we must, because as
long as they remain hidden, our underlying commitments will
continue to dictate our choices. We will be left to
experience the stress and struggle that go along with saying we
want one thing and doing another. We will continue to feel
the powerlessness of not being able to attain the future we
desire.
The
ink is black The
page is white Together
we learn to read and write
The child is black The
child is white The
whole world looks upon the sight A
beautiful sight
And
now a child can understand
That
this is the law of all the land All
the land
The world is black The
world is white It
turns by day and then by night The
child is black The
child is white Together
they grow to see the light To
see the light
And now at last we plainly see We'll
have a dance of liberty The
world is black The
world is white It
turns by day and then by night The
child is black The
child is…
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Guilt is either appropriate or inappropriate.
Appropriate guilt is a compass that tells you when
you're going in the wrong direction. Like a road
sign, it looms ahead saying, "Stop. Wrong
way." Appropriate guilt is there to
help. Acknowledge it and it subsides; its job is
done. For instance, if you make a thoughtless or
hurtful remark, a twinge of guilt can be an indicator
that you need to apologize.
Naturally there's also appropriate guilt that's deep,
long-lasting, and painful. That kind of
intensive, appropriate guilt signals a severe
deviation from acceptable behavior and the need for a
very radical examination of your life. We hope a
murderer or child abuser would sooner or later feel
that kind of remorse.
Inappropriate guilt is Emma's type of guilt. It
hangs on forever and paralyzes us with "I'm
wrongs", "if onlys"' and "what
ifs". A friend told me, "I have a
round-trip ticket on the guilt train. Anytime it
rolls through the station, I climb aboard!"
Another friend quipped, "I never get off--station
or not!"
Children are keenly attuned to the emotional
vibrations of their parents and other adults.
They are exquisitely sensitive barometers of family
feelings. From birth to the age of six or seven,
children are not merely sensitive but also very
self-centered. Therefore, whenever something
happens in the home, in their minds, they caused
it. When my oldest son was five years old he
said to me, "Mommy, please don't cry. When
you cry, I feel like I've killed someone."
I knew how my son felt because as a little girl, I
wore French braids and every morning, as my mother did
my hair, she sighed repeatedly. Times were
tough: my father was away at war, money was
tight, my mother had to work, and I was left in the
care of an unloving grandmother. To my little
heart and mind, each of those sighs and the feelings
behind them meant I was a burden. I was
making my mother unhappy. A generation later my
son felt that the tears I was shedding over his dad
and my divorce were his fault.
Through much of my adult life, it upset me terribly
whenever someone sighed. I immediately felt
guilty and had a tremendous urge to console them or to
run away. Telling myself how silly that was
brought no relief until I realized that the roots of
my underlying assumption lay in those early
hair-braiding sessions with my mother. As a
child, I had lacked the awareness and sophistication
to simply ask Mother if it bothered her to braid my
hair. I could only take clues and fit them into
my child's narrow reality. My underlying
assumption became, "I'm a burden. I need to
make other people happy, because it's my fault if
they're not."
We get off the guilt train by reminding ourselves that
we are not responsible for other people's happiness.
It took me a long time to convince my guilt-prone
inner child that she really didn't need to punish
herself with inappropriate guilt feelings. With
gentle, patient, persistent reminders, she came around
to believing me. Now, she's better at relaxing
and letting others carry their own
responsibilities. Every time something happens
that would have made me feel guilty in the past, and I
don't regress, I feel exhilarated and free.
Talking to others about our feelings is very helpful
in resolving guilt. It's amazing how quickly
guilt can melt away when we receive loving feedback
from other people who can be more objective about
what's happening to us because they're not emotionally
involved.
The last time I saw the friend who said she had a
round-trip ticket on the guilt train, she told me she
no longer felt guilty. I was intrigued and sent
her a card with a picture of a bewildered little
figure carrying a suitcase. It said, "I'm
going on a guilt trip. Would you mind dropping
by to feed my paranoia?" Her response was,
"I don't mind feeding your paranoia
anytime--since I stopped feeding (or feeding on) my
own guilt, I have more time for such good
deeds." She had made a conscious decision
to stop feeling guilty, and she succeeded. So
can you.
Living
Life Fully, the e-zine
exists to try to provide for visitors of the world wide web a
place
of growth, peace, inspiration, and encouragement. Our
articles
are presented as thoughts of the authors--by no means do
we
mean to present them as ways that anyone has to live
life. Take
from them what you will, and disagree with
whatever you disagree
with--just know that they'll be here for you
each week.
PLAYING
SHOULD BE FUN! In our great eagerness to teach our children
we studiously look for "educational" toys, games
with built-in lessons,
books with a "message." Often these "tools"
are less interesting and
stimulating than the child's natural curiosity and
playfulness. Play is
by its very nature educational. And it should be
pleasurable. When
the fun goes out of play, most often so does the learning.
Joanne
E. Oppenheim
Tell Yourself This
I'm constantly amazed by the number and types of negative things
that I hear people say about themselves. I understand it to
a certain extent, because I used to do the same thing when I was
younger, for I grew up as my own worst enemy in many ways.
Until I realized the importance of our self-talk, though, I wasn't
able to turn things around and start to talk to myself in more
positive ways, ways that weren't destructive and hurtful.
Whenever I hear someone say something awful about themselves
("I'm too stupid," "I don't deserve any
better"), I try to give them a different perspective without
making it seem like I'm telling them that they're wrong or that
they need to change their way of thinking or acting. I can
tell them all I want that I don't think they're stupid, though,
but if they walk away still telling themselves that they are
stupid, then nothing much has changed.
I only know what has worked in my life, and that has been to
change the words that I use with myself, about myself. I'm
very careful now to avoid saying things that insult or demean
myself. Instead of immediately telling myself that it's my
fault when something goes wrong, I ask myself, "What caused
that to go wrong?" Very often I realize that it was
someone else's doing, not mine, and that blaming myself would have
been very wrong. And if it was my doing, then I can tell
myself, "I messed up there. I guess that means I'm
human, and I'd better learn from the mistake."
Sometimes, something goes badly because I do something that is,
well, quite stupid, and then I tell myself "I shouldn't have
done that--it was dumb"; but I don't tell myself that I'm a
stupid person. Because I'm not.
Like
food is to the body, self-talk is to the mind.
Don't let any junk thoughts repeat in your head.
Maddy Malhotra How to Build Self-Esteem and Be Confident
So have you
made a big mistake recently? Then tell
yourself, "That was a big mistake," for
such a statement is accurate and honest. But
don't tell yourself, "I'm an idiot because I
made a big mistake," for then you'll be causing
damage to yourself instead of constructively looking
for ways to avoid such mistakes in the future.
Did you say something rude or mean to another
person? Tell yourself that you made a mistake,
apologize sincerely for having done so, and then
move on with your life. It's not necessary to
dwell upon it, and the ball is now in the other
person's court either to accept your apology or
not. You've done what you can.
Did you fail to follow through on a promise that you
made? Do you feel that others can't trust
you? You're in very good company--all of us
have done the very same thing. Tell yourself
that promises are very important and that you'll
learn from this experience, and that in the future
you'll do all that you can to follow through on
promises that you make.
If
you celebrate your differentness, the world will, too. It
believes
exactly what you tell it—through the words you use to describe
yourself, the actions you take to care for yourself, and the
choices you make to express yourself. Tell the world you
are
a one-of-a-kind creation who came here to experience
wonder and spread joy. Expect to be accommodated.
Victoria Moran Lit From Within
Have you failed
at something that's very important to you, such as a
class or a job or a relationship? While it may
seem like it is, this isn't the end of the
world. Tell yourself that you've just had a
wonderful learning experience--many people have
found that failure is the best teacher in the world,
and learning from failure helps us to avoid failure
in the future.
Have you made a bad decision and missed out on a
wonderful opportunity? Tell yourself, then,
that you've just learned a bit about how to
recognized what's good for us and what isn't, and
that when an opportunity comes along in the future,
you'll be better at recognizing it.
Did someone just do or say something awful to you,
something that made you feel horrible? Tell
yourself the truth--that such a comment is a
reflection of the person who said it, not of the
person to whom it was directed. Mature people
don't go around trying to harm each other with words
or actions.
Every
waking moments we talk to ourselves about the things
we experience. Our self-talk, the thoughts we communicate
to ourselves, in turn control the way we feel and act.
John Lembo
Are you not
where you would like to be in the world? In
your job, in your relationships, in your emotional
state? Then tell yourself that where you are
now is a result of your past actions and
decisions--but that where you'll be in a year will
be a result of many of the actions and decisions
that you make in the coming year, starting right in
this moment. You can be somewhere else next
year, or next month, or even next week or tomorrow.
Our self-talk is one of the most important elements
of our lives, for it can build us up or tear us
down, and either way, we're the ones responsible for
the results. How do you talk to
yourself? If your self-talk is consistently
negative and derogatory, then how can you possibly
expect to ever see any changes for the better in
life? How can you possibly expect to feel good
about yourself when you speak badly of and to
yourself?
On the other hand, if you can get in the habit of
sincerely telling yourself good and positive things,
there's a very good chance that the feelings that
you live with each day also will be good and
positive. It really is up to you.
We
can't be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the
pond
that you
are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never
know
that there is
such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something
that
is good for you
now, may be the very reason
why you don't have something
better.
C. JoyBell C.
I
remember this illumination happening to me one noontime as I stood
in the kitchen and watched my children eat peanut butter and jelly
sandwiches. We were having a most unremarkable time on a
nondescript day, in the midst of the most quotidian of
routines. I hadn't censed the table, sprinkled the place
mats with holy water, or uttered a sanctifying prayer over the
Wonder bread. I wasn't feeling particularly
"spiritual." But, heeding I don't know what
prompting, I stopped abruptly in mid-bustle, or mid-woolgathering,
and looked around me as if I were opening my eyes for the first
time that day.
The entire
room became luminous and so alive with movement that everything
seemed suspended--yet pulsating--for an instant, like light
waves. Intense joy swelled inside me, and my immediate
response was gratitude--gratitude for everything, every tiny thing
in that space. The shelter of the room became a warm
embrace; water flowing from the tap seemed a tremendous miracle;
and my children became, for a moment, not my progeny or my charges
or my tasks, but eternal beings of infinite singularity and
complexity whom I would one day, in an age to come, apprehend in
their splendid fullness.
Holly
Bridges Elliott
Sometimes
our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter.
Who would think that
those branches would turn green
again and blossom, but we hope it, we
know it.
Yes, life
can be mysterious and confusing--but there's much of life that's
actually rather dependable and reliable. Some principles apply
to life in so many different contexts that they can truly be called
universal--and learning what they are and how to approach them and use
them can teach us some of the most important lessons that we've ever
learned.
My doctorate is in Teaching and Learning. I use it a lot when I
teach at school, but I also do my best to apply what I've learned to
the life I'm living, and to observe how others live their lives.
What makes them happy or unhappy, stressed or peaceful, selfish or
generous, compassionate or arrogant? In this book, I've done my
best to pass on to you what I've learned from people in my life,
writers whose works I've read, and stories that I've heard.
Perhaps these principles can be a positive part of your life, too! Universal Principles of Living Life Fully. Awareness of
these principles can explain a lot and take much of the frustration
out of the lives we lead.
Explore all of our
quotations pages--these links will take you to the first page of each
topic, and those pages will contain links to any additional pages on
the same topic (there are five pages on adversity, for example).
™
