Solitude signifies being on one's own with one's own thoughts.  For many people, this is a healthy, desirable state in which to be--it's relaxing, refreshing, rejuvenating.  It allows us to check our perspective, to practice introspection so that we may clarify ideas and thoughts.  Being on our own, away from the input of other people's ideas, gives us the opportunity to come into closer contact with who we are, with our sense of morals, with our character, with our goals and hopes and desires.  We're away from peer pressure, from job pressures, from social obligations, and we can use that time to experience some of the quiet that's missing so often in our daily routines.

In a way, solitude helps us from becoming addicted to other people, or to break the addictions to others that we have.  

How can we be addicted to other people?  When we use being with others as an excuse not to be with ourselves, then we're addicted to others.  When we can't spend a moment alone without the television set or radio blaring, then we're addicted to being with others.

An addiction is something that we do or use to avoid dealing with problems or insecurities--the alcoholic doesn't love alcohol as much as he or she wants to avoid dealing with personal issues.  The drug addict is doing the same thing.  Both of them will tell you that they do it for the "high," but the fact is that the high wears off pretty quickly, and the more one drinks or does drugs, the less of a high there is.

Being with other people keeps our minds on other things--we can talk about sports or television or the weather, all the trivial things that fill our lives day to day, without even thinking about the problems we have.  This is why so many people need therapists later in life--because they've spent their youthful years avoiding contemplation and solitude.  They've never been able to come to grips with who and what they are, to accept themselves and to set up challenges for themselves.

Some people search out solitude without even thinking that they need to do so--it's an innate urge with them, something that they do as a matter of course, without even thinking about the psychological benefits of being alone.  These people are very fortunate, for they help themselves in a very important way on a regular basis.

Other people are given solitude involuntarily--with me it came from my insecurities and my inability to fit in with others.  For me, solitude was very often loneliness, and very often painful.  But I know now that I made it painful because of my perspective, and I regret losing so many opportunities that being on my own opened up to me--I'll never be able to get them back.

Find or make time for yourself to be with yourself.  Spend time thinking about who you are and who you want to be.  Examine your strengths and focus on possibilities.  Find the friend inside who has accomplished a lot, and learn to love yourself on your own terms.  If you can do this, you've taken a very important step towards being able to help others to learn about themselves and to be more content with life.

The Christmas Alone
tom walsh

A few years ago, I spent Christmas day completely alone.  It wasn't entirely by choice, but it happened, and that day was an important turning point in my life.  It was a quiet, peaceful, reflective day--I didn't go out anywhere at all.  I just stayed home and listened to Christmas music and tried to get the most out of what before I would have seen as a very negative situation.  Before it happened, I never would have been able to imagine spending Christmas alone, but I grew more on that day than I ever have on any other day.

To be sure, I come from a family that isn't particularly close--we've never had those holidays with lots of relatives over, those crowded-house ordeals that are so enjoyable.  I've also lived overseas for at least six Christmases, but I've always had somewhere to be during those holidays.  But a few Christmases ago, it became apparent to me that I was probably going to end up being alone for the holiday, and I was surprised to find that I didn't dread the idea.  In fact, it seemed rather attractive.  There were a few places I could have gone that day, but I didn't feel drawn to any of them.  As the day got closer, I turned down a couple of invitations and decided to be on my own that day--just me and God and Christmas music.

The possibility I most dreaded was that of depression coming back--I had just gone through a rather serious bout of it much earlier in the year, and I wasn't too thrilled about the idea of going through it again.  In the past, holidays had sometimes been a trigger for the down feelings, and I didn't want that to happen.  On the other hand, I felt that I needed to do this, and I couldn't go against it just because I was afraid of something that might not even happen.

I have to say that there was really nothing special that day, except for the feeling I had inside that I was turning a very important corner in my life.  There was no moment of epiphany, no miracle in the form of something spectacular, no special contact with God or any of his angels.  The day started with a bowl of oatmeal and some coffee and an english muffin.  As it went on, I read, worked on the computer, listened to music, and thought about friends, wishing them in my mind a very happy Christmas.  I called my parents in the evening, and I might have talked to some other people on the phone.  But that was about it.

The important thing in my life, though, was the fact that that day seemed to act as a kind of catharsis; it was some sort of peak towards which I had been climbing for quite a while.  That day, it truly didn't matter that I was alone.  I had a nice place to live, I had work I loved, I had friends, I had food and shelter, I had clothing and transportation, I had hope for the future and the possibility of making hopes come true.  Yes, there were parts of my life that felt somewhat empty--I was single and didn't want to be, I was working hours that precluded doing a lot of things that I would have liked to have done.  But on that day it was very clear that the good outweighed the bad so strongly that the negative was almost insignificant.

Blaise Pascal said that "All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone," and on that day I understood fully what he meant.  On that day most of what Emerson wrote about in "Self-Reliance" was clarified for me--no one can bring us peace or hope or happiness.  It must come from within.  I shouldn't depend on anyone else for my happiness or contentedness--it can come only from within, with some help from faith in a loving God.  On that day I didn't feel that I got closer to God--I felt that I finally let Him get closer to me.  I realized that I was just as worth loving as anyone else He had created, and I let Him be a part of my day.  It was all pretty cool, to tell you the truth.

Eventually, the day came to an end, and I went to bed with the Christmas tree lights on.  I slept on the couch so that the tree could keep me company.  And I went to bed a much wiser person, thankful that I had obeyed the calling to spend the day alone.  I had learned more from that one day than I could have in a year of Christmas days spent in crowds.

And yes, my life was different after that day--it wasn't just a one-day thing.  I found it very easy to be much more accepting of many aspects of my life, especially the loneliness of being single.  Interestingly enough, I met the woman who would become my wife the following summer, and from the moment I met her, I was able to treat her differently than I would have been able to had I not become so accepting of being alone.  And I'm convinced that the way I was able to treat her had everything to do with her eventually becoming my wife.  And I have that Christmas day alone to thank for it.

from On the Open Road      Ralph Waldo Trine
The Christmas Alone      tom walsh
Journey into Your Heart      Ronald Bissell
The Secret of the Masters--Yours!      Asoka Selvarajah
Solitude and Seclusion      Khalil Gibran
Solitude     tom walsh

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