Of course, we have to separate self-pity from depression and grief and sadness.  The person who engages in self-pity is looking for sympathy from others, usually, for in that sympathy they hope to find their happiness, their pleasant feelings.  They're depending on support and encouragement from others to make them feel better; unfortunately, such a dependence is very similar to a chemical dependence--the high soon wears off, and they need another fix.  Fortunately, the number of people who constantly pity themselves is rather low, it seems, though we all know one or two of them.  Their fixation on what's going wrong in their lives is like sandpaper on our brains--it's annoying and harmful, especially since they never seem to listen when we point out what's right in their lives, and just how much the positive out-balances the negative. They don't want to acknowledge this because then they'd no longer have a reason to feel bad for themselves.

It's important, though, that we don't throw around the term and apply it to just anyone.  We must be sensitive to what the other person's going through.  Someone did that to me once--when I was in college, 

I went through quite a few spells of severe depression.  I didn't want to be there (in the depressed state), and I hated it and tried to get out, but there I was--extremely depressed.  One evening, one of my co-workers quite cheerfully noted that I was having a "pity party," telling me, in essence, that what I was going through was my choice, that I wanted to pity myself.  I can't tell you how much that hurt me, and I'll never know if that particular comment extended that episode of my depression.

On the other hand, there's one person in my life who's never happy or content with her life.  She has a definite martyr complex--things are always bad, and getting worse.  Interestingly enough, though, whenever I'm over visiting, all these horrible things that I've been told on the phone just aren't there.  I learned long ago that what she wants is sympathy, and I try to give as much as I can without helping to perpetuate her attitude.  She also thinks that the sort of things that are "happening" to her just don't happen to anyone else--nobody else could have so many problems.

I also know many people who have things much worse than she ever will, and they don't do a bit of complaining.  They look at what they have in life, and they appreciate it and do their best with it.  It's impossible to convince her, though, that she's fortunate--she and her husband have a steady income, they own their own home, they're never without food, they have plenty of luxuries, they have a nice car, they live in a beautiful town.  But none of that matters, because things are awful at work and she thinks she'll have to quit soon because she thinks she's working too many hours (and has been for the last five years).  No one keeps in touch with her and no one remembers her, even though she's in constant contact with many friends that she's known since childhood.  And on and on.

I don't criticize her for this behavior, for I've seen where it comes from.  I do feel bad for her because she makes herself quite unhappy by focusing on what she sees as bad things in her life.  She  just doesn't see the positive at all, and I've never heard her admit to any sort of happiness.  She's unhappy because things happen to her, because life's unfair to her, but she's never happy about her accomplishments or the positive things in her life.  And that's sad, for she has plenty of both.  She chooses not to see them, though.  And what's worse is that she doesn't get the pity or sympathy she so strongly desires--everyone caught on to her years ago.  So she goes on looking at the world darkly even though the sun shines brightly.

Self-Pity      tom walsh

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