I've had times in my life, for example, when things completely beyond my control were going badly, and I've wanted more than anything else to talk them over with someone.  When I tried to talk them over with the friends I had at the time, some of them said I was just complaining, and didn't really listen to what I had to say.  Because I still hadn't been able to discuss what was going wrong, I would try to talk it over with someone else, with pretty much the same results. What I didn't realize then was that if people aren't going to listen with a sympathetic ear to what you're trying to say, don't talk to those people about problems.  They won't understand, because they won't try to understand.

When I finally did find someone to talk with, things got much better, and my desire to talk about the negative things grew less and less as I was able to express myself to some very special friends.  I guess the point here is that we should be careful of what we call complaining and what we call venting.

I had one or two problems that I wanted to talk about, but I know people who have millions of them, it seems.  No matter what their circumstances, they'll find something to complain about.  They might have won $30,000 in the lottery, but it wasn't enough, because with $35,000, they could have paid off their mortgage. And the taxes. . . . I know people who say that it's not worth winning a large cash prize because the taxes are so high.  Well, even if the IRS takes 60% of the $30,000, they're still up $12,000 that they didn't have before.  Besides, despite all of the negative we hear about the IRS and the government (much of it justified, I'm afraid), most of the money that goes their way goes towards the public good.  What better way to spend money?

When I give gifts to these people, I hear "It's beautiful, but what am I going to do with it?" or "It's nice, but I really wanted. . . ."  They express little graciousness, if any.  Their health is always bad, and things at work are always going poorly.  Friends always betray them, or never write, or never call, or never drop by, and when they do drop by, they always pick such an inconvenient time. The new car is great, but let me tell you about the flaws.

This topic goes hand-in-hand with the topic of perspective in our main section. These people tend to focus on the negative, seemingly ignoring the positive aspects of any given situation.  A beautiful day?  Yes, but the wind's a bit chilly.  Forget the chilliness--the wind is what it is, and there's no way to change it, so accept it for just what it is.  And if someone mentions how beautiful the weather is and you end up complaining about it, you've basically just shot that someone down, taking their positive perspective and dragging it in the mud, dirtying it up for yourself so it will be something to complain about.  I actually had someone complain once that I said "thank you" too often when people did things for me.

Complaining takes something out of everyone.  Focusing on the negative drags others down, especially when it's done often, in many different situations.  If you see something wrong, complain about it, but do something about it, too.  Don't just sit there and complain--it too quickly becomes a habit.  Without complaints, there's no change, but when complaining becomes a way of life, there's little light in life to keep us warm.

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Complaint is the antithesis of gratitude.  Should you be tempted to complain, find something to be grateful for instead.  A comedian recounted that he was on an airplane when the in-flight entertainment system stopped working for a few minutes.  The passenger seated next to him grunted, “Doesn’t anything work anymore?”  The comedian thought to himself, Here you are sitting in a chair in a meticulously engineered aircraft traveling nearly 600 miles an hour at an altitude of 35,000 feet.  You are speeding from Atlanta to San Francisco in five hours, a trip that once would have taken a year, which you might not have survived.  You are being served a hot meal with wine while using Wi-Fi to surf the Web, send e-mail, and text your kids.  When the entertainment system comes back on in a few minutes, you will have your choice of a hundred movies and as many music and educational channels.  You can get up and go to the bathroom anytime you like.  Every modern comfort, convenience, and safety is provided for you during your journey.  And you say, “Nothing is working?”

The truth is that far, far, far more things work than don’t work. Most things work almost all the time.  What is not working are our thoughts that deny all the good things that are working.  Even when things don’t appear to be working, the challenge is bringing us some insight that will help us as we overcome it. In that sense, everything is working.  The master of the Tao makes everything work in her favor by recognizing, receiving, celebrating, and expanding the blessings already present.

Alan Cohen
The Tao Made Easy