We
all know liars. The vast majority of us become liars from time to
time. Sometimes, the lying seems very necessary, for we lie to
spare someone else hurt feelings, or we lie to help someone else out of
a jam, or we lie because the lie is so minor that it's not going to
affect anyone negatively, but will affect us positively, so it seems to
be quite justified. And who's to say it's not justified?
Sometimes we even lie because someone else is demanding information from
us, and we know that that person doesn't deserve to know the
information, or will use it in harmful ways once he or she gets
it. So we tell that person something other than the truth.
But "What is truth?" Pilate asks Jesus, and in the rock opera Jesus
Christ Superstar, the question is taken even further:
"But what is truth? Is truth unchanging law? We both
have truths--are mine the same as yours?"
There are people in this world who lie to harm. There are others
who lie habitually, seemingly unable or unwilling to tell the
truth. Most people do their best to tell the truth and find it
difficult to lie, but end up doing so when circumstances seem to demand
it--when they need to save face or "protect" themselves from
punishment. The first type of person is best dealt with under the
topic of "meanness," while the second type is best left to the
psychoanalyst or psychologist. It's the third type of lying that
belongs here, for that's the type that keeps us from enjoying our days
for all that they're worth--an aberration in our behavior that pulls us
down, makes us feel horrible, causes fear that wasn't there before, and
has the potential to harm relationships that mean a great deal to us.
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Lying
pulls us down, for when we don't tell the truth, we're bowing to
pressure of some sort, and we're no longer acting in a way that's
natural to us--we're being forced by circumstance to do something that
we wouldn't normally do.
Worse, that something is one of the
things that we get upset at when people do it to us, so we start to see
ourselves as hypocrites. We lose control of the situation, and
we're now reacting instead of acting, and we're deceiving others who
probably don't deserve to be deceived. We're harder on ourselves
than we are on others, usually, and when we lie, we start to see
ourselves in exaggerated terms, and we start to see the lie as much
bigger than it actually is. Worse still, we start to focus on the
lie, the action we took that was an aberration, instead of focusing on
the more positive aspects of the world and people around us. Often
we become obsessed until we come clean and admit the lie, apologize for
it, and start the process of putting it in our past.
Once
we start fearing being found out, there's no way that we can get the
most out of life. We spend our time worrying about discovery and
the inevitable confrontation that will expose us as people who are
willing to lie, and who can't be trusted. Of course, most people
won't judge us so harshly that they'll never trust us again, but when
fear enters our minds, all things grow out of their realistic
proportions. I just read an essay by a man who was remembering the
time when he stole a pie as a child, then covered his tracks by
lying. The effect on him was drastic, as he had not only the theft
to deal with emotionally, but also the lying afterwards, and the fear of
the theft--and the ensuing lies--being discovered.
I
often hear people say (and I say it myself) that I'd much rather have
someone tell me a painful truth than have someone lie to me, only to
have me find out about the lie later. When we deal with children,
we prefer to have them tell the truth and get in a bit of trouble than
to lie and get in a lot of trouble--now for the original act and
for the lie. This is because something happens in a relationship
once someone lies to the other person--one person is now hiding
something, and the other loses trust, one of the most important aspects
of any relationship. The person who is lying is bringing
dishonesty and suspicion and fear into the relationship, all extremely
damaging elements. And, interestingly enough, one lie leads to
another as the liar tries to cover his or her lie with more lies, once
the other person starts to feel the suspicion. What happens to
trust? The person being lied to usually wants to trust the other,
and the liar wants to be trusted, but knows that he or she doesn't
deserve the trust--it's a vicious circle from which there's no escape
except telling the truth, a painful remedy that many people aren't
willing to face--they'd rather have the relationship end than tell a
truth that may harm them by exposing their actions and their dishonesty.
For
my part, I learned long ago--the hard way--that it's much better to tell
the truth from the very beginning, even if the results for me aren't all
that positive. But I also try to decide on actions that won't put
me in a position in which I'll have to lie to someone in the
future. I know that telling the truth is widely regarded as
honorable and just, and I have no fear of taking responsibility for my
actions. I'd rather be slammed for being honest than be promoted
as a result of dishonesty, for though in the latter case others may feel
good about me, I'll feel horrible about myself. And how can I live
life fully if I don't feel good about myself?
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