Hello!
We've all made it to a new week in our lives, a fact
that's obviously a
cause for celebration; we hope that you're able to
make your week into a very
special set of days that you can look back on in
fondness for the pleasant memories.
Good
people are good
because they've come
to wisdom through
failure. We get
very little wisdom from
success, you
know. -William
Saroyan
The
measure of success is not whether you have
a tough problem to deal with, but whether it's
the same problem you had last year. -
John
Foster Dulles
If
one only wished to be happy, this could be easily accomplished; but
we wish to be happier than other people,
and this is always
difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are.
-
Montesquieu
Ideally, every human being ought to live
each passing moment of their lives as if the next moment
were to be their last. We ought to be able to live
in the constant expectation of immediate death and to live
so, not morbidly, but serenely. -
Arnold Toynbee
To
multiply the number of opportunities available to you and
your chances at succeeding at making a change, it makes
sense to get other people involved in your quest. At
the same time, it's wise to choose those people
carefully. A support system is crucial to keeping
you going; however, even if your own fears haven't crept
up to deter you, you may have to deal with the fear that
others project on you.
Who
is on your team? Who have you recruited to egg you
on and catch you if you fall? Most people naturally
have people in their life with whom they share goings-on,
and yet there is so much more room to make a support
system a bigger and better designed part of your life.
Support
can come in many forms, and it can reach you across state
lines and even oceans. It does not depend on
proximity. The key is putting some thought into
recruiting and instructing the team. Your team will
become your reservoir of courage, should you encounter
further moments of doubt. It is a pool you want to
dip into, so you have to be sure the right folks are in
it.
Before
choosing or confirming who your support system is, let's
look at what support means to you. Do you need
cheerleaders? Do you need people who can listen
without judging or advising? Do you need a kick in
the butt or a hug and a kiss from those on your
team? Defining support is as important as having it.
Miguel
had never really thought about what kind of support he
wanted. He had just naturally fallen into a pattern
of relying on his friends and family to hear him out when
he needed to complain or, as he put it, feel sorry for
himself. When asked what kind of support would
really be useful for him, he realized that he would
probably feel better faster if his support system did not
let him complain so much. Instead, he wanted them to
help him turn his problems around and stop indulging his
pity. He approached each of his usual supporters and
let them know that the next time he called them to
complain, they had his permission to remind him that he
could do something about it. He then asked that they
spend the time brainstorming with him instead of just
listening to him. Now when he got stuck, he got out
of it faster and found that he could do this for his
friends as well. Miguel felt he was no longer an
occasional burden to his supporters, and his relationships
improved because of that.
All
this may make you wonder what kind of support you provide
those around you. Do you support them in their pain
or in their power? Funny enough, not everyone wants
to be supported to be their best. Some people
actually get their needs met by staying frustrated or in
pain. They get attention and sometimes sympathy, and
they don't have to take responsibility for their
problems. They may just like it that way. With
that said, it may be difficult to understand why anyone
would choose to support their friends and loved ones to be
anything less than they can be, but it happens all the
time. We get used to how people are, we forge
behavioral patterns, and we forget that we can influence
them. We also might feel too threatened sometimes to
fully support someone. If supporting them means that
they may move ahead of us, or otherwise do something that
affects our life negatively, we might willingly (or
unwittingly) become less supportive.
Being
supportive does not necessarily mean that you only agree
with the person you are supporting. However, it does
mean that you are constructive and are not tearing the
person down or being mean-spirited in your concern for
them. It's OK to disagree or play devil's advocate,
but it is imperative to have respect for the person and
the situation they face.
If
you turn it back around to how you would like to be
supported, recognize that you can instruct--and yes,
sometimes even train--those around you to give you the
support you need.
It
may sound selfish to imagine instructing other people on
how they can support you. But it doesn't need to be
selfish or sound imperious in any way. It may be
unusual, but it is an example of being mindful and
purposeful in making your life what you want it to
be. I'm sure you've heard many a CEO or leader say
that they succeed by surrounding themselves with a team of
intelligent people. You are, in essence, building a
team. You are not giving people direct pieces of
your goal to accomplish for you, but you are forming a
team that can buoy you and keep you going. Just as
you would not expect a significant other to meet your
every need, neither will your support system members be
uniquely equipped for every function. Some may be
better cheerleaders or strategists, and others may be more
useful for brainstorming or hand-holding.
The
opportunities to ask for their support may come as part of
a formal request or in your casual, everyday
interactions. It may mean asking them to lunch to
help you with something or asking them to hold you
accountable for what you are trying to change, or it may
just mean asking them to speak to you differently if they
have indeed said something insensitive.
At
the risk of sounding insensitive myself, people, like
puppies, are trainable. You can set boundaries,
correct behavior, and redirect their negativity--all for
the good of your new life direction and the future of your
relationship with that person.
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I've
never had someone come up to me and say, "I'm always
negative and it's working out great for me. I can't wait to
get up in the morning!" And yet, positive thinking
still has its skeptics.
Some people tell me that positive thinking doesn't work or
that it's "unrealistic," especially in today's
turbulent world.
"Look around you," they say. "How can you be
so positive?" Well, let me ask you this:
can the world be lifted out of negativity by adding MORE
negativity?
The truth is, there are certain things that negative
thinking will do for you. It will make you sick.
It will make you very unpleasant to be around. And, it
will significantly limit what you can achieve.
Let's take a closer look at why negative thinking doesn't
serve us. For starters, we all operate under the Law
of Dominant Thought. Simply stated, we're always
moving in the direction of our dominant thoughts.
Most of us have heard about the "self-fulfilling
prophecy"--that we get what we expect in life.
Expect negative results and, sure enough, you'll produce
negative results.
As I'm sure you've found, negative thinking also causes you
to feel more stress and to have less energy.
Scientific studies have demonstrated that negativity weakens
your immune system. How many times have you gotten
sick during a stressful period in your life?
If you're still not convinced about the effects of being
negative, take out a sheet of paper and write down your list
of all the benefits you're getting from negative
thinking. I think your list is going to be very short,
if you come up with anything at all.
Let me make an important distinction here. It's quite
natural for a person to feel sad in response to a tragedy or
the death of a loved one. There's a period of loss and
grieving that differs for each individual, and we don't
expect a grief stricken person to be positive in the short
run.
However, even a person in that situation will not be served
by holding onto their negative thoughts indefinitely.
(By the way, if you've suffered some trauma or have had a
difficult time releasing negative thinking, by all means get
counseling. That's not a sign of weakness. It's
a
constructive step to help you move forward in your life.)
Doing
What Comes Naturally
From everything I've observed, babies are naturally
positive. They're usually smiling and seem to be
enjoying life. I haven't met any negative, frowning
babies. That's why I don't buy the argument that
negative thinking is just natural.
Those who think negatively do so out of habit. They
have conditioned themselves to think that way. In Western
societies in particular, we've developed the tendency to
focus on minor irritations, even though these annoyances are
only a tiny part of our overall lives. We tend to
focus on the 5% of our lives that are going
"wrong"... instead of the 95% going well.
We'll sigh and tell everyone about the traffic jam or flat
tire on the way to work. Yet, we'll never comment
about the miracle of our existence--the billions of cells in
our body that somehow allow our brain to function, our heart
to pump blood or our eyes to see.
We don't appreciate that we have enough food to eat or that
we have a roof over our heads, while there are millions of
people who don't have these gifts. It's no wonder that
so many people think negatively.
The newspaper is filled with negative news. Television
and radio reports dwell on tragedies and crimes. How
often do you read or hear about people helping each other or
doing something positive? Hardly ever. If you do
nothing to counteract this bombardment of negativity, you're
going to think negatively.
At any time, however, you could take control of this
situation. You could stop watching and listening to
all of the negative news and read something positive
instead. You could limit your contact with
"toxic" people and make sure your life is filled
with positive inputs.
If you did that, your "natural" inclination would
switch and you'd begin to think positively.
Quick
Mental Exercises
I'll show you that you have much more control over your
thinking than you might believe. Try this
experiment. Right now, think about your favorite
movie. You might even get a picture in your mind of
your favorite scene in that movie.
Now, let's think about your favorite meal. What is
it? A fresh salad ... a juicy steak ... grilled
salmon? Whatever it is, just think about it. Now
that your mouth is watering, let's move on. Think
about being out in a snowstorm, with two feet of snow on the
ground. Can you see the snow and feel the cold on your
toes?
In each case, you were able to control what you thought
about. You could shift your thinking in an
instant. It has been said that positive thinking is
harmful because optimistic people ignore things that can go
wrong or are easily duped and taken advantage of.
In other words, if you expect the sun to be shining all the
time, you're just naive and are sure to be
disappointed. But positive thinking doesn't mean that
you ignore reality or refuse to consider the obstacles that
might arise. On the contrary, the positive person
expects a positive outcome but
prepares for overcoming obstacles.
For example, if a positive person is planning an outdoor
wedding, he or she won't use the power of positive thinking
to make sure it doesn't rain on the big day. Rather, a
positive person is prepared with contingency plans, focusing
on things that she can directly control, such as having a
tent available in case it does rain.
By this point, I hope that you're receptive to the idea that
negative thinking won't help us. So, the question is:
how can we change our thinking to become more
positive? The answer, simply stated, is that you must
change what goes into your mind every day.
Start by eliminating as many of the negative inputs as
possible. While you can listen to the news for a few minutes
to catch the important headlines, there is no need to hear
reports of the same murders and bombings over and over each
day. At the same time, replace the negative inputs with
positive stimuli.
Read positive materials on a daily basis. Listen to positive
audio tapes or CDs, or to music that inspires or relaxes
you.
Here's another technique: monitor your everyday
language. When you find yourself beginning to complain
or talk negatively, switch immediately to something
positive. Say something like, "I really have so much to
be grateful for" and start listing some of those
things.
Condition yourself to focus on constructive solutions to
challenges, rather than harping on problems or fretting
about things outside of your control. Make a commitment for
the next 30 days. Think about what you want instead of what
you don't want.
Think about what you're grateful for rather than what you
believe is missing in your life. Saturate your mind with the
positive. After 30 days, you can then decide whether to keep
focusing on the positive or to revert to your negative
thinking pattern. I think I know which one you'll choose!
* * * * *
Jeff
Keller is the President of Attitude is Everything, Inc. For
more than 15 years, Jeff has delivered presentations on
attitude and motivation to businesses, groups and trade
associations throughout the United States and abroad. Jeff
is also the author of the highly acclaimed book, Attitude is
Everything.
Living
Life Fully, the e-zine
exists to try to provide for visitors of the world wide web a
place
of growth, peace, inspiration, and encouragement. Our
articles
are presented as thoughts of the authors--by no means do
we
mean to present them as ways that anyone has to live
life. Take
from them what you will, and disagree with
whatever you disagree
with--just know that they'll be here for you
each week.
Why do we protect children from life?
It's no wonder that we become afraid to live.
We're not told what life really is. We're not told that life
is joy and wonder and magic
and even rapture, if you can get involved enough.
We're not told that life is also pain,
misery, despair, unhappiness, and tears. I don't know
about you, but I don't want
to miss any of it. I want to embrace life, and I want
to find out what it's all about.
I wouldn't want to go through life without knowing what it
is to cry.
I've recently been involved in a discussion about teaching.
In this discussion, several teachers have expressed their opinion
that it's a good thing to give students their cell phone numbers
and email addresses so that students can contact them at night
with questions about their homework. While on the surface
this might seem like a rather harmless perspective, it really does
scare me to think of just how often teachers become enablers, and
just how little privacy and personal times teachers allow
themselves to have.
When I finish teaching for the day, I'm done for the day.
Don't get me wrong--I don't bolt out of the building with the last
bell. I hang around and talk with students and give help
wherever I can to those who want it. I usually coach sports,
which puts me at school even longer, and I volunteer for a lot of
activities, which adds even more time. But when I go home,
I'm at home and not at work. My down time at home, the time
when I rest my mind and my body and my emotions, is the time that
allows me to do well when I am at school. If I were to
receive a call at 8 p.m. from someone who has a question about
homework, would I be doing that person any favors by answering the
question for them? Usually not.
Education is not the
filling of a pail,
but the lighting of a fire.
William Butler Yeats
You see, there
are two sides to education: teaching and
learning. The teacher's responsibility reaches
only so far--the learner also has a responsibility
to put forth some effort to develop strategies for
learning material. We don't learn by simply
listening to someone tell us answers--we have to
process the information and then hopefully respond
to it in ways that show that we truly do understand
it. Our young people today, however, are not
learning to do this--they're simply learning to ask
someone else for the answers (even if that someone
else is a corporate entity such as Google), and then
accepting those answers without considering whether
they're accurate or not.
Teachers have a very important job; there's no doubt
about that. But that job does not and should
not extend into their living rooms at night--when
they're done for the day, they should be done for
the day. They need the down time to rest and
recuperate. And if they have given homework,
then it's important for their students to come up
with the best answers they can, themselves.
The answers may not even be completely accurate, but
the process of at least working towards the answers
is the most valuable part of learning. Having
a ready source of the answers to call and ask for
information does not exactly make a positive
learning experience.
Learning
is not attained by chance. It must be sought
for with ardor
and attended to with diligence.
And students
need time with material that doesn't make sense to
them to try to get it to make sense. Instead
of calling the teacher for an explanation, a student
needs to sit down with the material again in order
to try to figure out what he or she missed the first
time around. And to do it a third time if they
miss things the second time around. It's in
struggling with things that we truly learn about
them--things that are simply explained to us by
others rarely make their way into our long-term
memories.
I don't ever make my students suffer, but I do try
to make them think. I don't hand them answers
on a silver platter, but I also don't withhold
answers when it looks like someone is reaching the
limits of his or her patience, or is about to be
overwhelmed with frustration. You see, I want
my students to learn how to deal with problems on
their own rather than just call a teacher or type a
phrase into a search engine. When my students
move on past my classes, I want them to be
self-sufficient--able to ask for help when they
really need to do so, but also able to function on
their own when they need to. The attrition
rate in college is over 40%, and I know from
experience that most of that is due to too many
students not being able to function on their own,
and not having those teachers who gave them every
answer there for them any more.
You know that I don't
believe that anyone has ever taught anything
to anyone. I question the efficacy of teaching. The only thing
that I know is that anyone who wants to learn will learn. And maybe
a teacher is a facilitator, a person who puts things down and shows
people how exciting and wonderful it is and asks them to eat.
Carl Rogers
If we want to
learn, the first thing we need to do is to learn how
to learn. If we want our young people to be
good learners, we have to help them to learn how to
find answers themselves, and not just ask the
nearest bystander for information. Life is an
amazing journey, and there's much to learn along the
way--and we'll never know how much richer our lives
could be, if we but knew how to learn all we can
from every situation we face. So learn how to
learn, and teach young people to learn for
themselves by not giving them every answer they ask
for.
As a teacher, one of my most common answers to a
student's question is, "You tell
me." When someone asks what a word means,
I give them a dictionary. It would be easier
for all of us if I were just to give the answer, but
I'm not looking for easy answers--I'm looking to
prepare young people for the adventure that lies
before them. And there are many astonishing
adventures in front of you, too, with many wonderful
lessons to teach. May you be ready and able to
learn when the chances come your way.
Morality has been
conceived up to the
present in a very narrow
spirit, as
obedience to a law, as inner struggle
between opposite
laws. As for me, I declare
that when I do good I obey no
one, I
fight
no battle and win no victory. The cultivated
person has
only to follow the delicious incline
of his
or her inner
impulses. Be beautiful
and then do at each moment whatever
your heart
may inspire you to do. This is
the whole of morality.
To
"let go" does not mean to stop caring.
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To
"let go" is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization that I can't control another.
To
"let go" is to admit powerlessness,
which means the
outcome is not in my hands.
To
"let go" is not to try to change or blame another.
It's to make the most of myself.
To
"let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To
"let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To
"let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a
human being.
To
"let go" is not to be in the middle, arranging all the
outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To
"let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To
"let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To
"let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To
"let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live
for the future.
To
"let go" is to fear less and to love more.
ll
truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of
times;
but to make them truly ours, we must think them over
again honestly,
till they take root in our personal
experience.
Yes, life
can be mysterious and confusing--but there's much of life that's
actually rather dependable and reliable. Some principles apply
to life in so many different contexts that they can truly be called
universal--and learning what they are and how to approach them and use
them can teach us some of the most important lessons that we've ever
learned.
My doctorate is in Teaching and Learning. I use it a lot when I
teach at school, but I also do my best to apply what I've learned to
the life I'm living, and to observe how others live their lives.
What makes them happy or unhappy, stressed or peaceful, selfish or
generous, compassionate or arrogant? In this book, I've done my
best to pass on to you what I've learned from people in my life,
writers whose works I've read, and stories that I've heard.
Perhaps these principles can be a positive part of your life, too! Universal Principles of Living Life Fully. Awareness of
these principles can explain a lot and take much of the frustration
out of the lives we lead.
Explore all of our
quotations pages--these links will take you to the first page of each
topic, and those pages will contain links to any additional pages on
the same topic (there are five pages on adversity, for example).