Good
day, and thank you for being here with us
today. We hope that your week
has started out well, and that you're able to make
the rest of this week an absolutely
fantastic time in your life. Please enjoy the
zine, and have a great, great day!
Chaos and confusion are not the same things. Chaos is the
energy we create when we have a need to be needed, when we want to
make ourselves feel important, when we are trying to convince
ourselves we are not important, and when we need something to
do. Chaos looks confusing, but it is not confusion.
Chaos is a cleverly disguised way of saying, "I know what to
do and you don't!" Or, "You know what to do, so
please rescue me!" Or, "Get out of the way!
I'm in control here!" Or, "There's something else
I need to be doing, but I can't do it now because I'm busy
creating chaos!" Confusion, on the other hand, is a
mental and emotional response to the failure to admit what we
really want, because we are afraid we will not get it.
Confusion is an experience of having the brain shut down.
There is a barrage of information coming at you, and you can't
figure out what is real from what is unreal. The natural
response is a perceived experience of not knowing what to
do. Well, that's impossible! You always know what to
do because you have a divine connection to the One Mind that knows
everything. Confusion is about the mental and emotional
outgrowth of knowing exactly what to do, and having this knowledge
clouded by the belief that you are not good or smart enough to do
it. This is augmented by the fear that if you do it, you
might not do it right, or that if you do it the way it needs to be
done, somebody will get mad at you. The natural response to
this self-defeating mental chatter is for the intellectual mind to
shut down. The result is what we call confusion.
There was a time in
my life when I was very confused about why I couldn't sustain a
lasting, meaningful relationship. It seemed as if I would
never have a fulfilling or lasting relationship with a man, and
that friends would always betray me. I told myself that it
wasn't my fault, and that I had done the best I could in every
situation. I finally retreated into the self-debasing
judgment that there was something wrong with me. As confused
as I was and damaged as I believed I was, I kept dragging myself
in and out of relationships and friendships. The confusion
eventually spread to my career. I could never seem to figure
out what my supervisor wanted. I never seemed to do anything
right. From there, the confusion spread to my
finances. I could not figure out why I never had enough
money, why I kept bouncing checks. Where was the money
going? I was putting it in the bank.
Confession is another important step toward the elimination of
confusion. I confess, I was not willing to ask the men in my
life for what I wanted because I was afraid they would leave
me. I confess, I was not willing to tell my friends when
they were overstepping their boundaries because I thought they
would be mad at me. I confess, I was not handling my
finances with attention and care because I thought there was never
enough to do what I wanted to do. I confess, I believed I
was ugly, too fat, not smart, unworthy, unvaluable, and a
disappointment to my mother and God. The result of not
confessing these things to myself about myself and taking healing
steps toward correction was confusion. The final straw came
when I lost my car! No, it was not stolen. I lost it
in the parking lot. I parked it right under the big letter
C. When I returned from my shopping expedition, it was not
there. It took me forty-five minutes to find my car right
where I had parked it--under the big letter F. F stands for
fog. My brain was fogged by my unwillingness to ask for what
I wanted.
Until you are ready to admit to yourself exactly what it is that
you want, you will experience confusion. Until you are
willing to ask for exactly what you want in life, from any
situation, or in your relationships with other people, you will
experience confusion. The confusion will not subside until
you honestly believe that you deserve what you want; that you are
entitled to the experience of what you want; and that, if it is
for your higher good, you will eventually have exactly what you
want. In order to move out of confusion, you must be willing
to be still long enough to get in touch with what you really
want. This can be a pretty frightening experience,
particularly when there is negative self-talk and negative chatter
going on in the mind. You can alleviate this kind of
disruption with self-affirming thoughts and actions. Once
this is done, and you identify what you want, you must be willing
to mentally and emotionally ride out the experience of admitting
what you want. Stop worrying about how and when it will
happen. Realize that you can have in life only what you are
meant to have. Everything you receive is for your growth and
healing.
Once you have admitted what you want, consciously take steps
toward the realization of that experience. Do and say the
things that are a reflection of your desire. Do not settle
for something you know is a reasonable facsimile of what you
want. Hold out for the real thing to show up. Ride out
your dream. You will know it when it shows up because it
will meet every aspect of what you have said you want to
experience. In the meantime, keep affirming yourself.
Be willing to admit when you make a mistake. Ask for help or
support when you need it. As you move toward your goal and
gather new information, realize it is never too late to change
your mind. As soon as you realize the need to make another
choice, admit it to yourself, and then do it.
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One of the most helpful things we can do for someone who is
grieving is to stay in touch. It often happens that within
a week following the funeral, people have forgotten about the
bereaved, or have forgotten that the person left behind is still
in a lot of pain. Remember to give a friend who is in
mourning a call each day. Ask "How are you doing
today? What are you feeling?" and allow her or him to
tell you, or else to say nothing. We can be of great
comfort to grieving hearts simply by lending an ear and allowing
those who are bereft to express just how much they hurt.
We can find solace in reminiscing about those whom we have lost,
in recounting the stories that best characterize them, in
laughing at the humorous moments we have shared. By
sharing such stories, we keep our memories of our loved ones
alive and remind ourselves of the ways our lives have been
touched by theirs. In West Africa it is believed that the
deceased continue to live for as long as there is someone to
call their names. By allowing a small spark of our loved
one's spirit to live on in us, they remain with us still.
Remember, too, that life only appears to begin with birth
and end with death. The flow of life is in fact continuous
and eternal; birth and death are merely transformations.
We are made up physically and spiritually of the billions who
have passed before us. They gave us life, they gave us our
culture, they gave us the world on which we have built our
present world. Our values and traditions, our habits of
thought are in large measure the wisdom of their experience
passed down through the ages. Our breath, the very air we
breathe, was once their breath. We are, each of us, an
integral part of something vast beyond comprehension--a vital
link in a process so perfect that it wants for nothing and
wastes nothing. That something is life. Death, the
inevitability of it, or the illusion of it, helps us to think
about and appreciate the miracle we are moving through.
Our lives are characterized by transitions and transformations,
by necessary losses and unexpected gifts, by an unending series
of passages. Life is change. All our lives we are
confronted by letting go. Western culture teaches us how
to hold on to things, not how to let them go, but letting go is
one of the encompassing themes of life. Nothing in the
material world is forever. Throughout the many stages of
our lives we experience myriad transitions and what we might
call loss: We are forced to leave the warmth and security
of our mother's womb, give up her breasts, her lap, our
innocence, many of our childhood dreams, our youth.
Critical to our growth and happiness is learning how to live
with loss; we simply cannot have everything as we wish it.
Parents, children, lovers and friends part, and sometimes it is
we who must part.
Our lives are full of separations that shake us up, force us to
attend to our emotional selves and to learn new ways of being in
the world. Although many of our losses are painful, they
encourage our gains. The lesson life is trying to teach us
is that, regardless of the challenges and changes in the
physical world, we will abide in peace by aligning ourselves
with our inner changelessness. The power of God in us is
more than equal to any moment--no matter what it brings.
We live in a loving, supportive universe that is always saying
yes to us. Every transition, even the one we call death,
is part of a continuum of being. Death is not the end, but
rather another step in the unending process of our
unfolding. It is a pathway to God.
It may sometimes seem as if our baptisms are all of fire, but in
the fire we forge new strengths. Though we sometimes
despair, the wakes we plan for ourselves are always
premature. Time and again we emerge from this chrysalis
changed, remade, born again. This is the pattern for all
life, the end of each journey marking the beginning of new and
different ones. Have faith. When those who are dear
to us make their transitions, when we ourselves approach with
trepidation that threshold of infinity, know that their lives
and ours are cared for by a power greater than any pain.
Living
Life Fully, the e-zine
exists to try to provide for visitors of the world wide web a
place
of growth, peace, inspiration, and encouragement. Our
articles
are presented as thoughts of the authors--by no means do
we
mean to present them as ways that anyone has to live
life. Take
from them what you will, and disagree with
whatever you disagree
with--just know that they'll be here for you
each week.
Always
remember, there is more strength in you than
you ever realized or even imagined. Certainly nothing
can keep you down if you are determined to get
on top of things and stay there.
One of the most difficult skills that I've been working on for the
past couple of decades has been that of mindfulness, the ability
to look around myself at the world and notice all that is
happening, all that is around me, without judging it or wishing it
were different. It's just too easy to see things and not
accept them as they are, but wish that they were somehow
different.
We often spend our lives in a kind of a state that keeps us
thinking, "What do I have to do about that?" We
get so used to having to fix things and take care of things that
we sometimes can't even look at a beautiful scene without thinking
that someone needs to mow that grass or rake those leaves.
We can't look at a tree without thinking that it would be prettier
if (fill in the blank). Or, worse still, we can walk by
absolutely beautiful scenes without even noticing them, or pass by
situations that we should contribute to, oblivious to the fact
that we could make a significant difference in something because
our minds are too caught up in our thoughts to allow us to see
what's all around us, right here and right now.
It's easy to get lost in our own heads. It's easy to allow
the thoughts and worries and plans and hopes to take on their own
lives and control our minds in such a way that we lose sight of
all that's around us in any given moment. It's difficult to
allow those thoughts and problems to take a back seat in our lives
in order to be completely aware of what's right here, right
now. Perhaps there's a person who really could use you to
take a couple of moments to pay attention to him or her; perhaps
there's a cool autumn breeze that's going to calm your spirit with
its amazing touch--but only if you actually notice it.
Cultivating
a generous spirit starts with
mindfulness.
Mindfulness, simply stated,
means paying attention to what is actually
happening; it's about what is really going on.
Nell
Newman
You're
surrounded at the moment by beautiful and special
things. The chances are, though, if you're
like most of us, that you don't even see some of
those things any more because you've grown so used
to them that your eyes just skip right over them
when they're in your field of vision. After
all, you can't spend a couple of moments admiring
the beauty of that picture or that small sculpture
on your desk because there's something much, much
more important that you have to think about.
The truth is, though, that there really is nothing
more important in this world than slowing down and
taking the time--even if it's just thirty or sixty
seconds--to appreciate something special in our
lives. And even if we appreciate the same
thing day after day, so what? If it's
beautiful and we like it and/or it reminds us of
someone or someplace special, then it's worth that
small investment in time that it takes to be mindful
of it.
But mindfulness obviously isn't just about
appreciation and noticing things. While being
appreciative and seeing things definitely can make
our lives richer, they aren't the only reasons for
which mindfulness is important. When we are
mindful, we see things that can be or must be
done. We notice the words of someone else that
tell us "I'm saying that I'm okay, but I'm
really not." We can see things that we
missed and that are too important to be
missed. In some professions, mindfulness is
absolutely necessary--someone who makes a living
cooking, for example, needs to pay close attention
to all that's going on with the food, but also needs
to be aware of his or her surroundings. A
doctor needs to pay attention to the symptoms, but
also has to listen to what the patient tells him or
her. It's very easy to get hyper-focused on a
task at hand--and there's nothing wrong with that in
small doses--and then lose sight of everything else
that makes our lives so rich and full. How
many parents do you know who are not mindful of
their children because they have so much else to do
that's somehow more "important"?
I
don't know if you can live inside each and
every moment. But when you can, try
to stop, look, and listen long enough to be
right where you
are, not in your past,
not in your future. Just right in the middle
of a
split second in time.
In his book Island,
Aldous Huxley writes of a community of people who
have trained birds all around who constantly repeat
the words "Here and now." They serve
as a constant reminder to those people of what's
really important--who is here and what I can do,
right here and right now. So when their inner
monologues start in their minds and pull them away
from the present and cause them to regret the past
of worry about the future, a bird comes along and
tells them exactly what's important in life:
here and now. Because here and now are the
only places, in space and time, in which we can
actually have some sort of influence; the only
places in which we can actually act.
My mindfulness can be a blessing to others, as
well. As a teacher, I'm pretty constantly
thinking about what we're going to do tomorrow and
next week, and it's very easy for me to get caught
up in the subject. But in my entire teaching
career, which now spans over twenty years, the
moments that I remember as being the most important
are those in which I've noticed something about
particular students and I've commented on
them. "You do a great job with the short
stories." "Are you okay today?
You look a bit down." "I noticed you
carrying that book--do you like that
author?" These have been the times when
I've made true connections with my students, and
they are times that have allowed the students to
realize that I do pay attention to them, and that I
do care. And they've come about because I've
been able to step away from the stress and strain of
teaching in order to pay attention to the human
beings who are in my classes.
Mindfulness
is simply being aware of what is happening right now
without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant
without
holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the
unpleasant
without fearing it will always be this way (which it won't).
James Baraz
Mindfulness can
be simple, as James points out. But
"simple," alas, doesn't always mean
"easy." Mindfulness allows us to
listen to someone share an opinion that we see as
silly or even harmful, and not try to change that
person's opinion, but to try to understand it.
Mindfulness allows us to recognize and accept
something negative in our lives, even as we do what
we can to deal with it.
Most importantly, mindfulness helps us to learn
about life, to witness and appreciate all that is
around us, and a truly mindful person is one whose
wisdom grows steadily because he or she is much less
likely to try to impose his or her will onto the
world, being satisfied instead to learn and to
grow. When we learn like this, we also learn
to discern between situations that truly need our
input or effort and those situations that are best
left alone to be resolved by others. When
we're mindful of the world, we see the causes and
effects without necessarily putting ourselves in the
situations, and we gain knowledge that can be very
important to share with others, later.
One of my most important goals is to be more
mindful. There are many strategies that I can
take to do this, from putting up little notes to
remind me of the present moment to emailing myself
reminders to pay attention to electronic alarms on
my watches and clocks that bring me back to the
present moment. With so many different methods
available to me to remind myself to be "here
and now," there really is no reason not to be
more present in my life, is there?
The
true measure of success is, are you growing in love for your
fellows? Are you finding peace in your heart? Are you finding
acceptance for yourself in your heart? These things are better
gauges of success than anything else. If love is growing within you,
then you are being successful in your life.
We need to know that we matter in this life. We need
evidence that others are aware of our presence. And thus, we
can be certain that others need the same attention from us.
When we give it, we get it. So the giving of attention to
another searching soul meets our own need for attention as well.
Respectful
recognition of another's presence blesses him or her, ourselves,
and God. And we help one another grow, in important ways,
each time we pay the compliment of acknowledgement.
We're not
sure, on occasion, just what we have to offer our friends,
families, and co-workers. Why we are in certain
circumstances may have us baffled, but it's quite probably that
the people we associate with regularly need something we can give
them; the reverse is just as likely. So we can begin with
close attention to people in our path. It takes careful
listening and close observation to sense the message another soul
may be sending to our own.
Difficulty
creates the opportunity
for self-reflection and compassion.
If we embrace what's happening,
we are also embracing what is
possible--and a road opens up
for God to meet us halfway.
Suzan-Lori
Parks
Yes, life
can be mysterious and confusing--but there's much of life that's
actually rather dependable and reliable. Some principles apply
to life in so many different contexts that they can truly be called
universal--and learning what they are and how to approach them and use
them can teach us some of the most important lessons that we've ever
learned.
My doctorate is in Teaching and Learning. I use it a lot when I
teach at school, but I also do my best to apply what I've learned to
the life I'm living, and to observe how others live their lives.
What makes them happy or unhappy, stressed or peaceful, selfish or
generous, compassionate or arrogant? In this book, I've done my
best to pass on to you what I've learned from people in my life,
writers whose works I've read, and stories that I've heard.
Perhaps these principles can be a positive part of your life, too! Universal Principles of Living Life Fully. Awareness of
these principles can explain a lot and take much of the frustration
out of the lives we lead.
Explore all of our
quotations pages--these links will take you to the first page of each
topic, and those pages will contain links to any additional pages on
the same topic (there are five pages on adversity, for example).
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