It is not because things are difficult that
we do not dare; it is because we
do not dare that things are difficult.

Seneca

We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn, which does not forsake us in our soundest sleep.  I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of people to elevate their lives by conscious endeavor.  It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do.

To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts.  Every person is tasked to make their life, even in its details, worthy of the contemplation of their most elevated and critical hour. If we refused, or rather used up, such paltry information as we get, the oracles would distinctly inform us how this might be done.

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.  I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary.  I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.

Still we live meanly, like ants; though the fable tells us that we were long ago changed into human beings; like pygmies we fight with cranes; it is error upon error, and clout upon clout, and our best virtue has for its occasion a superfluous and evitable wretchedness.  Our life is frittered away by detail.  Honest people have hardly need to count more than their ten fingers, or in extreme cases they may add their ten toes, and lump the rest.  Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity!  I say, let your affairs be as two or three, and not a hundred or a thousand; instead of a million count half a dozen, and keep your accounts on your thumb-nail.

In the midst of this chopping sea of civilized life, such are the clouds and storms and quicksands and thousand-and-one items to be allowed for, that we have to live, if we would not founder and go to the bottom and not make our port at all, by dead reckoning, and we must be a great calculator indeed who succeeds.  Simplify, simplify.  Instead of three meals a day, if it be necessary eat but one; instead of a hundred dishes, five; and reduce other things in proportion. . . .

Why should we live with such hurry and waste of life?  We are determined to be starved before we are hungry.  We say that a stitch in time saves nine, and so we take a thousand stitches today to save nine tomorrow. As for work, we haven't any of any consequence. . . .

Let us spend one day as deliberately as Nature, and not be thrown off the track by every nutshell and mosquito's wing that falls on the rails.  Let us rise early and fast, or break fast, gently and without perturbation; let company come and let company go, let the bells ring and the children cry — determined to make a day of it.  Why should we knock under and go with the stream?  Let us not be upset and overwhelmed in that terrible rapid and whirlpool called a dinner, situated in the meridian shallows.  Weather this danger and you are safe, for the rest of the way is down hill.

With unrelaxed nerves, with morning vigor, sail by it, looking another way, tied to the mast like Ulysses.  If the engine whistles, let it whistle till it is hoarse for its pains.  If the bell rings, why should we run?  We will consider what kind of music they are like.  Let us settle ourselves, and work and wedge our feet downward through the mud and slush of opinion, and prejudice, and tradition, and delusion, and appearance, that alluvion which covers the globe, through Paris and London, through New York and Boston and Concord, through Church and State, through poetry and philosophy and religion, till we come to a hard bottom and rocks in place, which we can call reality, and say, This is, and no mistake. . . . Be it life or death, we crave only reality.  If we are really dying, let us hear the rattle in our throats and feel cold in the extremities; if we are alive, let us go about our business.

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.  I drink at it; but while I drink I see the sandy bottom and detect how shallow it is.  Its thin current slides away, but eternity remains.  I would drink deeper; fish in the sky, whose bottom is pebbly with stars.  I cannot count one.  I know not the first letter of the alphabet.  I have always been regretting that I was not as wise as the day I was born.  The intellect is a cleaver; it discerns and rifts its way into the secret of things.  I do not wish to be any more busy with my hands than is necessary.  My head is hands and feet.  I feel all my best faculties concentrated in it.  My instinct tells me that my head is an organ for burrowing, as some creatures use their snout and fore paws, and with it I would mine and burrow my way through these hills.  I think that the richest vein is somewhere hereabouts; so by the divining-rod and thin rising vapors I judge; and here I will begin to mine.

Eyes Wide Open
tom walsh

Hard on Myself

I recently introduced someone to another person and used her wrong name.  This is something that happens to me fairly regularly, as I have a very hard time associating names and faces, especially when I see people out of the context in which I normally see them.  I felt awful about getting her name wrong, and I promised myself that I would apologize to her about it as soon as I saw her next.  I tried to do so, but when I did, she didn't even remember the incident.

I had spent an awful lot of time and energy feeling awful about what I had done, and guess what?  It really didn't matter.  What was so important to me turned out to be not at all important to the person I thought I had wronged.

This is a trait that I've carried around with me my whole life.  When I do something that I see as wrong, I judge myself pretty harshly and don't allow myself much forgiveness.  I also worry an inordinate amount that other people are judging me just as harshly as--or even more harshly than--I'm judging myself.  This almost always turns out to be completely wrong, and I end up wasting a lot of time and effort agonizing over what truly are petty little mistakes.

I need to be aware of this tendency because if I really want to get the most out of life and enjoy my experience here, I need to lighten up a bit and give myself a break.  If I continue to judge myself harshly and agonize over trivial things that I've done, then there's no way that I'm going to be getting all I can out of this life I've been given.

I do know where the tendency comes from--it's one of the common traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics.  We take more responsibility for our actions than most people, and we're quick to judge and blame ourselves for anything we've done.  But where it comes from really doesn't matter.  What matters is whether or not it's healthy for me, and whether or not the tendency will help me to get more out of life, or keep me from living my life fully.

People are very forgiving of me, but if I'm not willing to forgive myself their forgiveness is all for naught.  If I keep myself feeling the stress of being judged harshly--by myself, even--then aren't I making a choice to bring the level of my life down somewhat?  Aren't I keeping myself from experiencing the positive things in life by adding more stress to my world?

I am trying to lighten up.  I do still want to feel and be responsible, but I hope to be realistic about both the level of responsibility I should take on and the level of judgment that I pass on myself when I don't feel that I've lived up to my responsibilities.  These things are all within my realm of influence--they're all my choice--and I hope to change and start making choices that will make my life richer and fuller rather than poorer and emptier.