Terry L. Mayfield

Down deep we really know our worth, but we
don't have easy access to that knowledge.  We
need to hear praise coming from outside ourselves
or we won't remember that we deserve it.

Barbara Sher

There are children playing in the streets who could solve some of my top problems in physics, because they have modes of sensory perception that I lost long ago.

J. Robert Oppenheimer

How many times in your life have you had to put something "on the back burner", letting an idea or a project simmer in the background while you focused on something else? How often were the things that went on the back burner your personal hopes, dreams or needs while you concentrated on the hopes, dreams or needs of someone else?  There is nothing wrong with that decision and in some cases it can be admirable. However, it's not admirable if your personal needs never come off the back burner.

We all know that, during the safety instructions on an airplane, we are instructed to put the mask over our own mouth first, then on our child's.  Why? The reason is simple -- if we are knocked unconscious there will be no one to look after the child, endangering them even more than those few moments it takes to put our own mask on. The wisdom of this is readily apparent once we think about it, and is good advice to take forward into all areas of our lives.

For many years, I put the needs of others first. As I evolved personally, I came to understand that it was okay - healthier, even - to put my needs equal to the needs of others. In fact, it is how I now define the word "selfish", and use the term "self-centered" for someone determined to live as though the world revolves around them.

Even with that advanced understanding, however, I still didn't take care of my self as much as I needed. That included delaying doctors; appointments or working past the exhaustion point because someone else needed me. Even though I felt my needs were equal to the needs of others, the reality is that 90% of the time I still opted to take care of others before myself. This isn't bad, either, because for the most part these were conscious choices I made.  Unfortunately, there has been a physical and emotional cost that becomes harder and harder to bounce back from.

Where does that leave me today? With a new understanding, one that suggests that, in fact, I need to opt for myself more than 10% of the time.  However, I'm still basically someone who likes to give. and I like that about myself, so it's really important for me not to become that "self-centered" person I described earlier.  And that brings me to the concept of choosing to put me on the front burner, to live on the front burner.

This analogy is really appropriate for me. I think it works because I
still am a person who cares for others.  So, while I may have neglected myself on the back burner, I find that I do not neglect others back there.  The result is that I am truly taking care of myself and caring for others at the same time, for the first time in my life. Sometimes we just need the right analogy or framing for an idea to really take hold. This 'front burner' idea is perfect for me. In fact, I now keep the tea kettle on the front burner on the stove.  This way, every time I walk into the kitchen I am reminded of this shift in my thinking and it helps me remain focused and clear about this positive new action and change in my life.

So, where in your life have you been putting yourself on the back burner and forgetting about you?  A harried parent, juggling work and family? An over-conscientious leader or manager? Oldest sibling? Youngest sibling?  Caught between aging parents and developing children? No matter how overwhelmed you might be feeling, it is possible to find some moments of time just for yourself. The key is remembering that it is not an either/or situation.  You get to take care of yourself and handle your responsibilities to others. Make a conscious decision to live YOUR life on the front burner!

© Louise Morganti Kaelin.  Louise is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
Phone: 1-617-984-2868 or 1-866-COACH-99 (toll-free inside USA)
Email: louise@touchpointcoaching.com
Web: http://touchpointcoaching.com

The Need to Let Go

I've been getting some very important lessons on the importance of letting go recently.  They've been coming from parents of students at the college where I work, and they haven't been all that pleasant as far as lessons go.  They have to do with parents who are so intent on "making sure" that their kids succeed at college that they're sabotaging any chance those students have of succeeding on their own terms--which are the only terms upon which they should succeed.

Here's what happens--the students come to school, but the parents don't trust them to succeed.  In order to try to "help," the parents call their son or daughter every day, they check with teachers and advisors to try to find out if their kids are going to class and meetings, and they even try to find out how their kid did on certain tests.  It's an intrusive type of control that never allows the kid any breathing room, never allows the kid to make his or her own discoveries about his or her own behaviors and habits.

Worse, it shifts the college experience from the student to the parents.  If the student succeeds, it's obviously the parents' success, because they've "kept tabs" on Heather or they've "made sure" that David doesn't "slack off."  Ironically enough, though, if the student fails, then that failure is fully the student's fault, in spite of all the efforts of the parents to "help."

Most parents are happy if they hear from their kids once a week when they're away at college.  My stepson has been away at college 1,400 miles away since July, and we've heard from him five or six times.  We've never checked on his grades except to ask him how a particular class went.  His college experience is his experience, and while we're more than willing to help out if he asks us to, we're not going to impose our wants and needs upon him.  He's got enough to deal with, without us intruding into his life daily.

While it's bad enough that these parents are sabotaging their own kids' chances of success at college, they're also sabotaging something else:  their own chances of being happy and content in the present moment--any present moment.  If their minds are constantly on their kids and what they're doing hundreds or thousands of miles away, if they're stressing out about whether or not the kids passed today's quiz or did last night's reading, if they're trying to come up with new ways to manipulate their kids into succeeding, then they certainly are not focusing on giving their all to their own surroundings.

They're causing themselves inordinate amounts of stress and tension simply because of their mistaken belief that their kid's schooling is something that they should have control over.  They believe that they can cause another person to succeed, a belief that has been proved to be invalid over and over again in life.  And in their attempts to manipulate their kids, they almost invariably begin to manipulate others, including teachers, administrators, and advisors, causing added stress in the lives of those people who really have done nothing to deserve it.

What do I take from this?  A healthy respect for the individual and the individual's need to find his or her own way in life.  If someone wants help, that person will ask me.  If I see or feel that someone needs help and isn't asking for it, then I can offer my help; if it's refused, however, I've done all I can for the moment.  Each person is constantly defining him or herself, constantly learning more about his or her own beliefs and needs and abilities.  The more I push myself into the experiences of others in an attempt to "make" them succeed, the less they learn about their own capabilities and needs.

When we let go of the attempts to "help" others to succeed, we're really letting go of our own need to control and manipulate people and situations.  And the more we can let go of that need, the happier and more fulfilled we're bound to become.

Albert Schweitzer, the great missionary, doctor, and theologian, was once
asked in an interview to name the greatest living person.  He immediately
replied, "The greatest person in the world is some unknown individual who
at this very moment has gone in love to help another."

As you go about your work today,
remember that you could be someone else's hero.

unattributed

Everything Is Beautiful
Ray Stevens

Everything is beautiful in its own way
Like a starry summer night or a snow-covered winter's day
Everybody's beautiful in their own way
Under God's heaven, the world's gonna find a way

There is none so blind as he who will not see
We must not close our minds, we must let our thoughts be free
For every hour that passes by, you know the world gets a little bit older
It's time to realize that beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder

Everything is beautiful in its own way
Like a starry summer night or a snow-covered winter's day
Everybody's beautiful in their own way
Under God's heaven, the world's gonna find a way

We shouldn't care about the length of his hair or the color of his skin
Don't worry about what shows from without but the love that lives within
We're gonna get it all together now and everything gonna work out fine
Just take a little time to look on the good side my friend
And straighten it out in your mind

Everything is beautiful in its own way
Like a starry summer night or a snow covered winter's day
Everybody's beautiful in their own way
Under God's heaven, the world's gonna find a way