Robert Frost

There is only one success--to be able to spend your life in your own way.

Christopher Morley

Copernicus

Eyes Wide Open
tom walsh

U 2 B U

We often hear people tell each other "I'm glad that you are who you are."  But we also often see those people turn around and try to change that person into someone else, someone that they wish that person was.  Spouses try to change their husbands or wives by criticizing their behavior or their taste or their words; parents try to change their kids by criticizing them or punishing them or providing rewards that they think their kids can't resist; coaches try to change their players; bosses try to change their employees; teachers try to change their students; and on and on and on the human drama goes.

Personally, I want you to be you.  I hope that you stay true to who you are because it's your uniqueness that makes the world a richer place.  It's your perspective that opens my mind, and your contributions to the world that brighten my world.  You are who you are, and as soon as I try to turn you into what I wish you were or what I think you should be, then I'm expressing my dissatisfaction with a beautiful creation of the same Creator who gave us mountain ranges and snowflakes and sunsets and the song of the lark.

It's easy to want to change people.  After all, it's easy for us to convince ourselves that we see the world and other people from an "objective" perspective and that we can see what other people should do in order to make themselves happier or their lives more fulfilling.  That woman is no good for you, and your job is making you miserable, and your behavior is sabotaging your chances, and your lack of effort is keeping you from advancing.

But perhaps you need that woman in your life right now because of what you're going to learn from her.  Perhaps you need another few months of a bad relationship in order to learn truly what a good relationship can be like.  Maybe it's not the job at all, but the attitude that you bring to work, that's making you miserable--and if that's the case, then it could be that you need to be at that job in order to learn the best kind of attitude for you to bring to a job.  Or maybe the job really is awful, and you need to learn yourself what it means to take a risk and leave the job in order to search for something else.  And could it be that you don't give as much effort as I do in one field because you're giving much more effort than I ever could at something else?

I'm truly glad that you are you, and I truly want you to be you--not a reflection of what I wish you to be.  I want you to do the things you want to do, and I hope that you'll make the decisions that you feel are appropriate, rather than the decisions that I think you should make.  And if I give you advice and you ignore it, then that's just fine--I thank you for giving me the opportunity to make a contribution to your life in the form of advice.

One of the most beautiful aspects of our world is the incredible diversity among which we live.  But even given that diversity, we so often seem to want to do our best to turn other people into our visions of what they should be rather than what they truly are.  This is simply wrong--a disservice to the world, to the people themselves, and to ourselves.

I simply cannot know what belief system you need to follow in order to become the best version of yourself that you can be.  I cannot know what mistakes you need to make in order to learn what you need to learn.  You can't know what forces drive me the most strongly, which muses sing the most strongly in my heart of hearts, which visions and views give me that incredible surge of appreciation that feels like my heart filling with splendor.

And I want to let go of my expectations of you, to let you be just who you are.  I want you to be you.  And when you are, our world is a much richer place for just that very fact.

Do you ever feel like life is spinning out of control? That the harder you try to get ahead the more you just barely get by?  If so, maybe it's time for you to think about quitting life -- that elusive thing that we chase after and strive for -- and, instead, start living.

It can be a difficult distinction to understand, I know, but making the distinction can make all the difference in the world.  So if you're tired of suffering through and truly want to live, here are 10 tips to get you started!

1.  Recognize that life is what you get when you're born. . .

. . . Living is what you do with it!

You can sit back and wait for life to happen to you or you can make it happen yourself.  As Maya Angelou once said, "Life likes to be taken by the lapel and told, "I'm with you kid.  Let's go!"

2.  Define life. . . It leads to the fine life.

Life is not a slogan, no matter what Nike, McDonald's, ABC, NBC, or any other media giant might have you believe.  While those "Life is. . ." t-shirts are often witty, the philosophy they propose, like the shirt itself, are rarely "one size fits all."  Define life and living on your own terms and you've a better chance of getting both.

3.  Make up your own rules.

Many people believe that "life is a game."  Maybe so, but most games have rules and clear-cut definitions of winning and losing.  We didn't get rule books when we were born, and that leaves us free to make up our own rules about life, living, losing, and winning.

4.  Take charge of your life.

Once you've made up your rules you can start taking charge of your life.  And when you take charge of your life, as Geoffrey Abert said, "There is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large.  When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life."

5.  Little things mean a lot.

No matter how we live, life throws a lot of little negative things in our way that must be dealt with or else they will greatly diminish how we enjoy our days.  Stephen Vincent Benet said it best:  "Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways."

6.  Employ the power of positive quitting.

Most of us view quitting as a negative thing to do, but it's not.  "Winners never quit," we're told.  In reality, winners quit all the time by choosing to stop doing things that aren't creating the results they desire.

7.  Create your personal quit list.

Examine your life closely and you'll find all sorts of things you do and/or tolerate that hold you back, slow you down, or effect you negatively in some other way.  Decide which ones you really want to be rid of and write them down.

8.  On your mark, get set, QUIT!

Now start quitting the things you listed.  Doing so will immediately create a positive "charge" in your life as you rid yourself of these negatives and create the room in your life for new, more positive experiences.

9.  Charge into your future!

As you recreate this positive force in your life, take big, massive leaps into your future.  Be imaginative, bold, and brave!  The results may surprise you.

10.  Use everything.

You are blessed with a particular set of skills and talents that no one else has.  Use every skill and talent to live your life as joyfully and abundantly as possible.  Leave this life as Erma Bombeck wished to:  "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.'"

© Jim Allen & CoachJim.com.  All Rights Reserved.  Jim Allen is a professional life coach, speaker, and writer. Get more great ideas in you email every week by subscribing to Jim's weekly newsletter, "The Big Idea," by sending a blank email to: mailto:Subscribe@CoachJim.com.