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11 November 2008 |
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We're
getting close to winter now, and the days are still
getting shorter up here in the northern part of the planet!
Please enjoy the changing seasons as our planet takes us
on this amazing journey that we call life! |
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Often
when we're being tough and strong, we're scared. It takes
a lot of courage to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to be
soft.
Dudley
Martineau
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| Ambiguity
means admitting more than one response to a situation and
allowing yourself to be aware of those contradictory
responses. You may want something and fear it at the same
time. You may find it both beautiful and ugly.
Tristine
Rainer
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One of the conclusions I
have come to in my
old age
is the importance of living in the ever- present now. In the past, too often I
indulged
in the belief that somehow
or other tomorrow would be brighter or happier or richer.
Ruth Casey
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You're
Allowed to Say "No!"
Jeff Keller
You've got more work than you can possibly handle. Not to
mention the time you're spending as an officer of your trade
association ... and as coach of your child's soccer team.
Your phone rings and it's Sally, another officer of the trade
association. Sally tells you what a great job you're doing for
the Association and then asks if you'd be willing to chair the
Committee putting on a large event in three months.
You know this project will involve countless hours of work,
including weekends. You get a sinking feeling in the pit of your
stomach. Your heart tells you to say "no." Your spirit
tells you to say "no." But somehow, what comes out of
your mouth is "Yeah, I'll do it."
What happened here? How did "no" turn into
"yes?" Maybe you didn't want to let others down. Or,
perhaps, you wanted to be liked. For whatever reason, you agreed
to do something that you didn't want to do. For most of my life,
I lived this way. Saying "yes" when I really wanted to
say "no." I'll bet you've done the same thing
many times.
This can happen at work when someone asks you to take on an
extra task, or to help out on the weekend. And in our leisure
time, we also have to make decisions when it comes to family,
community and other activities.
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I know what some of you are thinking. If I say "no" to
some of these things, I'm going to look bad or hurt my chances
for a promotion. For example, if I decline a request from my
supervisor, I'll be viewed as someone who isn't loyal to the
team. If I say "no" to attending my cousin's wedding
(the cousin I haven't seen in 15 years), the rest of the family
will be talking about me.
Yes, there ARE consequences to saying "no." You might
not get the promotion. Your relatives might talk about you
behind your back. But let's not kid ourselves here. There are
also consequences to saying "yes" when you don't want
to say "yes." You become resentful and angry. You feel
that you're not in control of your own life. You're not living a
life that's consistent with your values and priorities.
I'm not encouraging you to become lazy and refuse to go the
extra mile at work and in your personal life. We all do
activities that we don't particularly enjoy, like working
through lunch on a key project or attending a wake after a long
day at work.
Furthermore, this isn't about being selfish and thinking only of
your own interests. But I'm here to say that YOU count, too! And
you block your own success when you feel resentful about doing
things you don't want to do. Unwanted activities are not only
time consuming; they drain your energy.
So, what can you do to help you say "no" instead of
"yes?" It's very helpful to set boundaries, because
that will help dictate your answer when someone asks you to do
something. Even better, let people know about these boundaries
beforehand so they won't be taken by surprise when you say
"no." For instance, if you resolve that you won't work
on weekends (except in certain limited, emergency situations),
when someone asks you to help out on Saturday, you can decline
and tell them you spend weekends with your family.
For me, my exercise time on Saturday and Sunday is sacred.
If I'm not doing a weekend presentation or traveling, it takes a
lot for me to cancel or re-schedule my exercise sessions. If
someone asks me to do something during those times, I will
politely say "no" because I value my health and well
being too much to let other things get in the way.
I also get numerous requests to speak at certain service clubs
and trade association meetings on weekday nights. I am honored
to be asked, but in most instances, I will politely decline. I
set some boundaries and decided that I will do a certain number
of these presentations each year, but that's it.
Otherwise, I won't be able to spend quiet time at home in the
evenings. If anyone thinks I'm being unreasonable, that's okay.
I feel better about the decision I've made because I'm being
true to what's important in my life. As a result, I've found
that my presentations are more authentic and effective.
You might think that you're indispensable. . . that you have to
say "yes" because the world will fall apart if you
don't run to the rescue each time. What nonsense! In the end,
you let yourself down and wind up feeling hurt.
Here's the bottom line: You're allowed to say "no."
It's a small two letter word with the power to liberate you and
significantly improve the quality of your life.
Jeff
Keller is the President of Attitude is Everything, Inc. For more than 15 years, Jeff has delivered presentations on
attitude and motivation to businesses, groups and trade
associations throughout the United States and abroad. Jeff is
also the author of the highly acclaimed book, Attitude is
Everything. For more information, go to http://www.attitudeiseverything.com
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Eyes
Wide Open
a column by tom walsh
Out of
My Mind
I've
been spending a lot of time learning how to go out of my
mind. It's usually not a problem for me--many people would
say that I'm out of my mind anyway, and that's fine with
me. I tend not to worry about what other people think
about the things that I do, and while I don't do things that
would hurt or inconvenience others, I tend to enjoy things like
climbing trees and walking places instead of driving, even if it
takes a couple of hours. I often wonder if people who see
me think that I must have lost my driver's license for some
reason or another.
But
when I say that I'm learning how to go out of my mind, what I'm
talking about are two very specific things: first, I'm
trying to learn how to escape the non-stop barrage of thoughts
on every possible topic under the sun (and even beyond the sun),
and second, I'm trying to pull myself away from the beliefs that
I've adopted because other people have taught them to me, and
I've believed those people and basically adopted their beliefs
as my own. My mind's tendency to hold on to these beliefs
in many ways keeps me from growing and learning, and that's
something that I never want to have happen. Of course,
when I use "mind" in this way, I'm referring to what
we've come to call the ego, which likes to think that it's in
charge, and which defends itself when our higher selves try to
release themselves from its control, for it thinks it always
does what is best for us.
Sometimes
I wake up in the middle of the night and my mind is racing,
going over thoughts about something that had happened the day
before or some current issue in my life. Normally, I'm not
able to get back to sleep when my mind is going like that, which
makes for some unpleasant time, laying there in bed wishing I
were sleep, but having my mind continue to race over something
that I don't even want to be thinking about in the first place.
Other
times, my mind will go through hundreds of different
consequences when I feel that I've done something
"wrong." Of course, it usually turns out that
there are no consequences at all because no one else has even
noticed my "mistake," but I've spent many a miserable
hour worrying that someone is mad at me or that I've lost a
friend.
I've
found that there are many principles of meditation that help
with this problem. One of them is to find a focal point,
such as my own breathing, a mental image of a beautiful place,
God, a rock in the garden--whatever you can use as something to
focus on. As I relax and keep my mind focused on this
thing, trying to notice everything about it, the other thoughts
start to fall away as I neglect them. My mind quiets down,
and I'm able to feel peaceful and relaxed.
Of
course, I know that there's much more to meditation than just
this, but this is one technique that I use that allows me to get
to sleep or just to quiet my racing mind. And this
technique doesn't require that I fight these thoughts, for doing
so would usually make things worse, adding conflict to the
problem of the thoughts.
Many
people have taught me their beliefs over the years, and many of
those beliefs have survived in my mind ever since. Beliefs
that things should turn out in certain ways, beliefs that other
people should act in certain ways, beliefs that I should try to
control certain situations, beliefs in other people's versions
of what spirituality or religion should be--all of these beliefs
keep me tied down to certain ways of understanding the world,
and the longer I remain tied to them, the more difficult it is
for me to fly free as an individual, as truly my own
person. I don't want to go through life as a reflection of
what other people believe--I want to find my own way and my own
beliefs so that I may become the person I truly was meant to be.
Whenever
I feel tension between what I think I should believe and what my
heart and soul are telling me to be true, then I know that
something's wrong with that belief. Even more importantly,
whenever a belief isn't reflective of unconditional love I know
that there's something askew with that belief. The
question that I ask myself in these situations is quite
simple: does this belief of mine reflect unconditional
love? If it allows me to judge or to condemn other human
beings for their thoughts or beliefs or actions, then no, it
doesn't. I never know the whole story behind anything that
another human being does or says, so it's impossible for me to
judge accurately what he or she has done. And when I do
judge, I'm leaving love behind.
My mind
likes beliefs, for they keep things quite orderly. These
beliefs make things easy for me if I hold on to them, but they
don't help me in the long term, and they don't help me to be
able to uncover who and what I truly am as a human being.
They really are little more than limitations, and while other
people in the world may be fine with limiting themselves, I'm
always going to do my best to make sure that I don't do
so. I know that if I do, I'll keep myself from reaching
the potential that I was born with.
Going
out of my mind isn't a bad thing at all--it's actually something
that can help me to reach my goals and my potential. There
is, though, a pretty big difference between what our societies
define as "out of my mind" and what I see that as
being. As long as I know how and why I'm trying to limit
the effects of my mind/ego, I know that I'll keep working my way
towards becoming the loving, hopeful person that I have the
potential to be.
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Living
Life Fully, the e-zine
exists to try to provide for visitors of the world wide web a
place
of growth, peace, inspiration, and encouragement. Our
articles
are presented as thoughts of the authors--by no means do
we
mean to present them as ways that anyone has to live
life. Take
from them what you will, and disagree with
whatever you disagree
with--just know that they'll be here for you
each week. |
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| Love
is that which is without condition, without limitation, and
without need.
Because it is
without condition, it requires nothing in order to be
expressed. It asks nothing in return. It withdraws
nothing in retaliation.
Because it is
without limitation, it places no limitation on another. It
knows no ending, but goes on forever. It experiences no
boundary or barrier.
Because it is
without need, it seeks to take nothing not freely given.
It seeks to hold nothing not wishing to be held. It seeks
to give nothing not joyously welcomed.
And it is
free. Love is that which is free, for freedom is the
essence of what God is, and love is God, expressed.
Neale Donald
Walsch
in Friendship with God
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It’s
Never As Bad As You Imagine
Helaine Iris
“If
you want fear on purpose, get a future.” Byron Katie
Have
you ever noticed what you spend hours or days, or your lifetime
for that matter, worrying about is never as bad when it comes to
pass, as you imagined it would be?
I
come from a long line of worriers. Maybe it’s genetic,
maybe its cultural--who knows? I consider myself an expert
on the matter. I remember being a little girl and worrying
about everything: what if I got sick, what if nobody wanted
to play with me, what if I died?
I
managed to carry the art form of worrying into my adult life often
projecting myself into situations, wondering “what if?” and
having to dealing with the stress and anxiety of what I imagined
was going to happen.
A
few years ago I had a powerful experience that turned this all
around.
I
took myself on a pilgrimage to Hawaii. I was at a pivotal
time in my personal growth and I was cultivating a deeper
relationship with myself. I left my husband and family for
two weeks and set off by myself to find Helaine.
I
was registered to take a five-day workshop studying interspecies
communication swimming with wild dolphins in the beautiful waters
off of the Big Island. For the rest of the trip I would be
on my own, with no plans exploring the magical island of Hawaii.
On
one of the workshop days we were all to swim across Kealakekua
Bay, which is about a mile wide. The bay is a famous dolphin
hang out. The prospect of meeting up with a pod of dolphins
was pretty exciting, yet I was a bit worried if I had the stamina
to swim a mile. What if I got tired, what if I get left
behind the group? What if I drowned?
About
a quarter of the way into the swim I did get tired; and even
though Hawaiian waters are warm I was getting cold. I knew
there was no way I could make it across the bay so I decided I had
better swim back to shore.
As
I was swimming back, I realized I was swimming against the tide
and it would take even more effort to get back than it took to get
out. I was getting colder by the minute (weighing 110 pounds
with little body fat) and I was beginning to feel signs of
hypothermia. I was scared. Here was exactly what I was
worried about coming true!
As
I felt those first waves of fear course through my body, I knew I
was in a dangerous predicament.
Adrenalin began pumping and I swam with everything I
had. Then, what seemed like a few seconds later an amazing
calm washed over me. Suddenly, I was watching myself from
the outside and curiously wondering instead of panicking if I
would make it back to shore, or if I was about to die.
My
body swam, knowing exactly what to do to survive. My mind
was no longer a victim of fear. I was in the moment,
contrary to what I had spent my lifetime worrying about; and it
wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was actually
quite peaceful.
What
I learned from this life changing experience was two very
important lessons.
1.
What you worry about is never as bad as what you imagine.
This goes for everything. Think about it. Have you
ever had a difficult or traumatic experience and remarked to
yourself afterwards that what you feared was way worse than what
you actually experienced? The stories we create in our mind
are ALWAYS worse than what reality delivers.
2.
Worrying won’t change the outcome. Regardless of how many
scenarios you torture your self with; it won’t change what’s
going to happen in reality. Try asking yourself this, “Am
I going to change the outcome by worrying? Or, “how could
I better use my energy?” When you waste your energy
worrying about what might happen in the future you rob yourself of
the clarity and action you have in the present.
I
finally made it back to shore, shivering, nauseous, yet changed
forever. I collapsed onto the warm beach and laid there for
a long time, tearfully grateful for my life.
The
rest of my trip was amazing. I was able to fearlessly
adventure into alone time and drink in the richness of my journey.
Now,
for me, worrying is a simple reminder to come back to the present
moment… and stay there!
It’s
YOUR life. . . imagine the possibilities.
Helaine Iris is a certified Life Coach, writer and teacher that
loves her life. She
works with
individuals, and self-employed professionals, who
want to thrive
in their business while crafting a life that's in absolute
alignment with their
highest ideals, deepest values and gracefully masters the
complexities
of
modern living. For a solution focused complimentary session
visit her
website http://www.pathofpurpose.com or
email her at helaine@pathofpurpose.com
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| An
Excerpt:
Well, it
takes all kinds to make a mess.
The West is
full of Tiggers--restless seekers of instant gratification,
larger-than-life overachievers. The West idolizes them
because they're Bouncy and Exciting. Maybe even a bit too
exciting. And they're becoming more exciting all the
time. It seems that it's no longer adequate to be a True
Individual, or even a Hero; now one needs to be some sort of
Superman, living an overinflated life punctuated (in true
Tigger fashion) with exclamation marks. Faster than a
speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive!
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! This
is the age of Supereverything--Superstar, Superathlete,
Supercoach, Superpolitician, even Superbusinessman: Faster
than a speeding ticket! More powerful than a profit
motive! Able to lease tall buildings in a single day!
Tiggers are
not necessarily what they seem, however. While they may
appear to be self-propelled, they are in reality jerked this
way and that by whatever appealing object or sensation catches
their attention. And while Tiggers may appear energetic
to the extreme, their love of ceaseless action and sensation
is actually a form of spiritual laziness. Tiggers are
not in control of their lives, as is clearly shown by their
behavior. |
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In
The Te of Piglet, a good deal of Taoist wisdom is
revealed through the character and actions of A. A.
Milne's Piglet. Piglet herein demonstrates a very
important principle of Taoism: The Te-a Chinese word
meaning Virtue-of the Small. |
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| Unfortunately,
it is quite easy to be an impatient, inconsiderate,
scatterbrained Tigger in a society that admires, encourages,
and rewards impulsive behavior. Advertisements tell us
to buy whatever-it-is and Spoil ourselves. An
appropriate word, spoil. We deserve it, they say.
(Maybe we do, but we'd like to think we're better than
that.) Store layouts are carefully designed to encourage
impulse buying. Movies, television shows, and magazines
promote impulsive behavior of the most questionable kind, in
the most flash-it-in-their-faces manner. Practically
everything from hairstyles to lifestyles is endorsed as some
sort of drug to be taken Now for Instant Relief. If you
have this model of automobile, this style of clothing, this
shape of girlfriend, or this sort of romantic entanglement,
you will be happy. You will be loved. You will be
Somebody. Those who can't have such things are doomed to
frustration. Those who can have them are doomed
to the inevitable disappointment. As Oscar Wilde put it,
"In the world there are only two tragedies. One is
not getting what one wants and the other is getting
it." We are reminded of the old Persian
curse: "May your every desire be immediately
fulfilled."
In chapter
twelve of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-tse described what's
wrong with Tigger's sensationalistic approach to life:
The five
colors blind the eye.
The five tones deafen the ear.
The five flavors deaden the tongue.
Racing and hunting madden the mind.
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If
we make our goal to live a life of compassion
and unconditional love, then the world will indeed
become a garden where all kinds of flowers
can bloom and grow.
Elisabeth
Kuebler-Ross
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Perfect
happiness
is
the absence
of happiness.
Chuang-tzu
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