Most of my major disappointments have turned out
to be blessings in disguise.  So whenever anything bad
happens to me, I kind of sit back and feel, well, if I give
this enough time, it'll turn out that this was good,
so I shan't worry about it too much.

William Gaines

Many times we will get more ideas and better ideas
in two hours of creative loafing
than in eight hours at a desk.

Wilferd A. Peterson

If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.

Thomas Alva Edison

Hello once again, and welcome to November!  The next-to-last month of this
year has arrived, and we hope that you are able to make this a truly extraordinary
month for you and for those you love.  Please take good care, and enjoy the new days! 

You May Not Know What Really Matters
Elaine St. James

Letting Go vs. Giving Up
Louise Morganti Kaelin

Still Don't Know What You Want to Be When You Grow Up?      Valerie Young

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According to a recent Time/CNN poll, close to 65 percent of us spend much of our so-called leisure time doing things we'd rather not do.  That is a staggering statistic, especially when you consider the incredible number of options that are available to us today.

I think there are two reasons a lot of us aren't doing the things we really want to do.  First of all, many of us don't know what those things are.

When I think back to my hectic lifestyle, I have to admit that one of the reasons I allowed my life to continue to be so complicated is that I hadn't slowed down enough in recent years to figure out what I wanted to do, not only in terms of my work life, but in terms of a lot of my personal choices.

I knew the basic things:  I knew my husband, and family, and special friends were important.  I knew that for me, spending time in nature was important.  I knew maintaining my health with exercise and an appropriate diet were important.

But there were other areas, such as my life's work and many social and leisure activities, I just sort of drifted along with because it was easier than taking the time to come up with alternatives.

For any number of reasons we lose sight of what we want to do.  Perhaps we weren't encouraged as children to make our own decisions.

Or maybe we have easygoing, compliant personalities and have gone along with what other people have wanted to do, or have wanted us to do, for so long that we've forgotten what's important to us.

Or perhaps we never allowed ourselves to believe that doing the things we enjoy is even a possibility for us.

If you've spent a lot of years not knowing what you really want to do, either in terms of your career or in terms of your personal, social, civic, or family life, it can seem like an impossible task to stop what you've been doing--or at least slow down for a bit--and figure it out.  It often seems easier to keep on doing things we don't want to do.

Secondly, what we want to do can often be difficult to do.

For example, if your deep, dark, hidden desire is to write the great American novel, it would seemingly require a major disruption in your life to arrange things so you could even get started on it.  Often it's easier to continue doing things you almost want to do, or don't mind doing.

So our lives get frittered away by a social engagement here, a luncheon there, an evening of television here, or the habit of working evenings or weekends or both on projects that we don't have all that much interest in.  And the things we really want to do, in our heart of hearts, get put on the back burner.

One of the things simplifying your life will do is free up time for you to figure out what really matters to you, and then enable you to arrange your time so you can do it.

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The reading revolution is here!  If you're like many people, you get tired of lugging around books that sometimes weigh more than anything else we carry.  Imagine carrying hundreds of books--novels, self-help, history, travel, you name it--and reading them comfortably on a no-glare screen, setting things like text size to your own preferences.  It's an amazing experience, and it's available to us now for less than the cost of ten books.  And there are plenty of free books to download, especially timeless classics.  Give yourself the gift of wonderful literature that you can easily bring with you, wherever you go!

Have you ever wondered what is the difference between 'letting go' and 'giving up'?  There certainly seems to be a very fine line between the two.  Intuitively, I know there is a different feeling between the two, but it's only recently that I was able to understand the essence of that difference.

For me, 'giving up' is like folding your cards in poker, throwing in the hand before all the cards are dealt. You stop investing energy into the project and concede failure at a point way before the finish line. Like in poker, we usually fold as a result of fear, uncertainty or a spot-on analysis of the situation and the likelihood of success.  You can usually tell the difference by how you feel about the 'giving up' after you've done it.  When you feel calm, confident and free, you can be pretty sure it was based on sound analysis.  There are definitely times when moving on is the appropriate way to go.

On the surface, 'letting go' looks the same.  What I now understand, however, is that what I'm actually letting go of is the attachment to the results, especially the results I decided the action would have before starting.  This process allows me to play out the hand knowing 'Yes, I might win; Yes, I might lose, but either way I gain something from the experience."  It also allows me to keep investing energy into whatever it is.

So often in life we judge ourselves not by the results of our actions, but by what we decided in advance the results 'should' be, our expectations.  We often speak of others' expectations of us and how deadly they can be, yet we forget that we develop expectations as well.  In many ways, our own expectations can be more devastating than someone else's expectation of us.  We may have an initial knee-jerk reaction to the idea of someone else having expectations, something inside us that shouts 'No!' even as we try to live up to them.  Unfortunately, our own expectations seem normal and 'right' and we rarely question them.

A long time ago, I heard an expression that I must admit I don't remember as consistently as I'd like:  Let go and let God.  For me, it's the essence of letting go of my attachment to the results.  I believe (and tell my clients) that it is our job to figure out what we want, to develop a clear picture of that and to start moving towards it.  It's God's responsibility to figure out "how". Our actions send a strong message that we are truly committed to experiencing whatever our stated goal is.  The process is definitely one of "co-creation".

Next time you are feeling disappointed in how things are turning out, here are some questions to help you determine if it's time to let go:

How have I defined success in this area?
Where did that definition/number come from?
What is that result supposed to bring me? What feeling?
What other definition/number can bring me that feeling?
What am I learning in the process?
Am I taking all the actions necessary to make this come true?
Am I willing to let go of my attachment to the results?

Related Quotations

"The greatest loss of time is delay and expectation, which depend upon the future. We let go the present, which we have in our power, and look forward to that which depends upon chance, and so relinquish a certainty for an uncertainty." -- Seneca

"Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius." -- Comte de Buffon

"Don't be discouraged by a failure. It can be a positive experience. Failure is, in a sense, the highway to success, inasmuch as every discovery of what is false leads us to seek earnestly after what is true, and every fresh experience points out some form of error which we shall afterwards carefully avoid.." --John Keats

"I define attachment as an inordinate need to have something occur in a specific way, at a specific time, in a specific sequence, etc. and/or an inability to let go of that which no longer serves. We may become attached to unhealthy habits, rigid mindsets, negative thinking, defense strategies, projected schedules, our own plans vs. the plan of Spirit, the first idea vs. the best idea, etc." -- Neva Howell

© Louise Morganti Kaelin.  Louise is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality. Email: louise@touchpointcoaching.com Web: http://touchpointcoaching.com

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