I shall open my eyes and ears.  Once every day I
shall simply stare at a tree, a flower, a cloud, or
a person.  I shall not then be concerned at all to ask
what they are but simply be glad that they are.
I shall joyfully allow them their "divine,
magical, and ecstatic" existence.

Clyde S. Kilby

It was probably a mistake to pursue happiness;
much better to create happiness; still better
to create happiness for others.  The more
happiness you created for others the more would
be yours—a solid satisfaction that no one
could ever take away from you.

Lloyd Douglas

Giants, wizards and dwarfs was the game to play.

Being left in charge of about eighty children seven to ten years old, while their parents were off doing parenty things, I mustered my troops in the church social hall and explained the game.  It's a large-scale version of Rock, Paper, and Scissors, and involves some intellectual decision making.  But the real purpose of the game is to make a lot of noise and run around chasing people until nobody knows which side you are on or who won.

Organizing a roomful of wired-up gradeschoolers into two teams, explaining the rudiments of the game, achieving consensus on group identity--all this is no mean accomplishment, but we did it with a right good will and were ready to go.

The excitement of the chase had reached a critical mass.  I yelled out:  "You have to decide now which you are--a GIANT, a WIZARD, or a DWARF!"

While the groups huddled in frenzied, whispered consultation, a tug came at my pants leg.  A small child stands there looking up, and asks in a small, concerned voice, "Where do the Mermaids stand?"

Where do the Mermaids stand?

A long pause.  A very long pause.  "Where do the Mermaids stand?" says I.

"Yes.  You see, I am a Mermaid."

"There are no such thing as Mermaids."

"Oh, yes, I am one!"

She did not relate to being a Giant, a Wizard, or a Dwarf.  She knew her category.  Mermaid.  And was not about to leave the game and go over and stand against the wall where a loser would stand.  She intended to participate, wherever Mermaids fit into the scheme of things.  Without giving up dignity or identity.  She took it for granted that there was a place for Mermaids and that I would know just where.

Well, where DO the Mermaids stand?  All the "Mermaids"--all those who are different, who do not fit the norm and who do not accept the available boxes and pigeonholes?

Answer that question and you can build a school, a nation, or a world on it.

What was my answer at the moment?  Every once in a while I say the right thing.  "The Mermaid stands right here by the King of the Sea!" says I.  (Yes, right here by the King's Fool, I thought to myself.)

So we stood there hand in hand, reviewing the troops of Wizards and Giants and Dwarfs as they roiled by in wild disarray.

It is not true, by the way, that Mermaids do not exist.  I know at least one personally.  I have held her hand.

© 1986, 1988 by Robert L. Fulghum

Living in a Land Divided

No matter how we look at it, all of us are affected by the societies in which we live.  We can allow those societies to affect us to different degrees--one person will be strongly affected while another will not allow things to get to him or her as much--but we are affected.  We're simply social creatures, created with a sense of interdependence among each other that causes us to be affected by the actions or inactions of others.

That's one of the reasons for which many people are finding it very difficult to live their lives fully these days, especially here in the United States.  Imagine living in a house in which everyone is constantly bickering and arguing and trying to get their own way through any means they can.  Imagine those people resorting to name-calling and reputation smearing in order to bring down their "opponents"--their siblings or spouses or parents or children.

Now extend this idea to a country.  We live in a society today that is becoming more and more divisive, that is adopting an attitude of "us-versus-them" that is growing stronger and stronger with each passing day.  The root of this attitude, I believe, is found in the 2000 presidential elections, and one candidate's strategy of slamming the reputations of his opponents (of his own party in the primaries, then of the other party in the elections) rather than pointing out what he had to offer the country.  The strategy was successful, and it was repeated successfully last year and seems to have become a normal way of doing political business these days.

Since that time, our political climate has grown more and more caustic, less and less civil, and almost destructive in nature.  We can see quite clearly these days why the founders of this country warned against a two-party system--it's far too easy for one party to get away with attacking another if they don't have to worry about a third or fourth viable party.  There simply is no system of checks and balances, and most conflicts are reduced to "he-said/she-said" arguments replete with name-calling and finger-pointing.

This political climate has spilled over into daily life, too.  We now see people adopting the "red or blue" attitudes that say "if you're not with me, you're against me," rather than "if you're not with me, you must be on your own road, and I respect that."  We see the rifts especially strongly in the media, who seem to be taking great glee in reporting conflict after conflict, often sensationalizing them to a point at which they seem to be becoming a norm.

My challenge these days is keeping myself outside of the conflict.  I'm living in a house divided these days, literally, and it's very difficult not to take sides.  But as a person who is very concerned about my own well-being and the well-being of all the other people in the world, it's hard for me not to want to change things, to stop people from judging each other and causing further division.

In order to do that, though, I would have to enter the fray and become a part of the process, causing further division myself when I would love to see unity.

So what can I do?  That's a very good question, one for which that I haven't come up with a good answer yet.  I know that the most important thing that I can do is to be aware of the conflicts, and be aware of the effects that they're having in me.  Some of my feelings over the last few years have been caused by my constant exposure to these conflicts, and it's often difficult to be an impartial observer.  I'm very thankful that I don't have to deal with anxiety issues, because I think that if I did, the current divisive atmosphere in our country would be causing them to go haywire.

I also need to educate myself about the issues so that I can know when people are being truthful and when they aren't; when they're speaking from a position of authority and when they're just trying to stir up more controversy.  When I recognize untruthful or illogical arguments, I can dismiss them and not let them bother me.

I can continue to work towards unity on my own small levels.  I can be caring and loving and I can talk to people without entering discussions about politics or religion or anything else that may divide us.  I don't mind discussing those things, but there are so many other things to talk about that are so much more pleasant.

I can keep on doing what I'm doing and respect the fact that others are doing what they think is best.  Yes, other people are making huge mistakes, but I do that, too.  And jumping all over someone who has made a mistake really never has been an effective way of dealing with my own ideas about his or her actions.  Each other person on this planet is living his or her own life, and they are doing the best they can.

The division that we're witnessing is very difficult to deal with, for our very sense of community, our sense of communal trust and understanding, is at risk.  Our sense of freedom to think and act and feel as we must seems to be at risk, and it's hard to live with the feeling that we might lose something so important.  And while it's sometimes hard to trust that things will turn out alright in the end, it's important that we do have trust in that very concept, while continuing to make our own contributions to the unity that we hope will re-emerge in our land.

For most of us, when we think about being our "best" selves, there is a sense of depth, breadth and richness.  We see ourselves, in the future--calm, collected, wise, joyful, experiencing all the top-shelf positive emotions.

I believe that picture of life is definitely the goal of living our best life; however it can be a misleading picture.  As a rule, when we visualize ourselves in that moment of living our best life, it's important to remember that's exactly what it is -- a moment.  It's precisely the same as when we capture a memory of a wonderful trip or vacation.  We tend to isolate a moment that best represents the feeling we tie to the memory of that trip.  It rarely means that you felt that feeling for every single moment.

Not only is life like that - a whole gamut of emotions, but it's SUPPOSED to be like that!  In fact, living our best life is about experiencing the full joy of being human, and that is not always joyful.  So how do we reconcile feeling all those negative emotions with living our "best" life?  The secret to living our best human life is to give ourselves permission to feel everything, but to not get stuck in the negative emotions.  It really is that simple!

Every single feeling you feel is valid and legitimate.  It may not always be "appropriate," but the fact remains that you are feeling it, and that makes it legal.  We often do more harm by trying to "not feel" negative emotions than by allowing them out.

Here are some suggestions for going "through" the mountain instead of looking for a way around, over, or under the mountain:

1.  Remember that the goal of self-development is to grow into someone who can handle anything that comes your way.  We can't do that if we are trying to pretend that we are not having a negative response right now.  We almost never try to hide a positive emotion; we need to expand that philosophy into all emotions.

2.  The emotion is not bigger than we are.  Sometimes we are fearful of allowing ourselves to really go with an emotion because it threatens to overwhelm us.  In reality, that almost never happens.  What makes the feeling so powerful is the energy we put into not admitting we are feeling it.  Fear, anger, guilt, and resentment--these are all like small children pulling at your leg.  They get louder and louder until you finally ask what they want.  99% of the time, their response is "nothing."  What they wanted was your attention, and now that they have it, they can move on.

3.  Stay in the present; articulate exactly what the feeling is.  We can often be so afraid of feeling negative emotions that we lump a whole gamut of emotions together.  In fact, there is value in being able to identify exactly what you are feeling.  For example, there is a world of difference between "apprehensive" and "paralyzed with fear," yet we often don't make the distinction.  We just generalize the feeling and we say we are afraid.  For me, being apprehensive doesn't necessarily mean an inability to take action.  There is something going on, yes, but it could be as simple as being afraid of something I've never done before.  Taking the time to get clear can often get you moving again.

4.  Don't try to "rise above it."  I often have clients tell me they feel they shouldn't feel or encourage the negative feeling because they are on a path of evolving.  Allowing the negative emotion appears contradictory to them.  Again, it isn't the emotion, or feeling the emotion, that gets in the way of our personal growth, but how long we spend feeling it.  I once knew a person who was quite proud of the fact that he never got angry.  As I reflected on this, I was graced with an awareness.  It was true--he never got angry--but it was because he was ALWAYS angry.  He never had to "get" there.  That anger came out in behavior we would classify as passive aggressive.  True, it was never overt or loud, but it ran through each and every interaction he had.  How could that possibly be better then never getting or showing anger?

5.  Set a time limit on how long you are willing to vent, rant or whine.  Five minutes is usually a good time frame.  Most of us will have exhausted all that negativity by the end of 5 minutes and we will have freed up a ton of energy that we can put to work on achieving our goals.  If you feel that 5 minutes isn't enough, then wait some time (perhaps 2 to 4 hours) and then give yourself 5 more minutes.  The very act of setting a time limit gives you a sense of control over the feeling that helps put it into perspective.

6.  When an emotion hovers just under the surface, try to bring it out.  Watch a movie that will bring out the tears (or the right McDonald's commercial).  Some movies that make me cry (just about every single time I see them) are:  Pay it Forward, An Affair to Remember, Terms of Endearment and all three of the Lord of the Rings movies.  I'm sure you can think of a few of your own.  Rent the movie, get out the Kleenex and let yourself go.

7.  Find a physical means of releasing negative energy.  It may be putting extra energy into physical exercise you are already doing (walking, jogging, bike riding, etc). or going for a full-out release of the energy by slamming into a punching bag, screaming at the top of your lungs, etc.  The key here is to release the energy--so that you can be free of it.  It is not meant to be directed at anyone.

8.  Don't forget the power of the written word.  Take time to sit down and write out what you are feeling.  Any way that you are able to clarify what you are feeling is good.  In the heat of any emotion, most of us have the same thoughts rumbling through our brain.  Writing it out can bring clarity, and more importantly, release.  If someone else is involved, try writing a letter or postcard that you burn instead of sending.

9.  A negative response is just that--a response that comes unbidden and not through the brain.  It is never logical and always needs to be acknowledged and validated.  It is possible, however, to allow logic to dissipate the energy.  If that works, fine.  If not, try a physical release.

10.  Don't allow any emotion to stop you from taking action.  I'm sure you've heard the phrase, "Feel the fear and do it anyway."  Allowing yourself to take action despite the fear is what makes a true hero.  Fear can often be the sign of good common sense kicking into action.

11.  Become aware of your personal response to fear.  For example, I have found multiple times in my life that sickness is a "legitimate" reason for not doing what I know I need to do but am afraid to do.  I now know to ask the question when I'm sick:  is this real?  Or is this a fear that I'm unwilling to look at?  Most of us have something that we use to keep us from taking action.  Look for yours! 

© Louise Morganti Kaelin.  Louise is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.  Phone: 1-617-984-2868 or 1-866-COACH-99 (continental USA)  Email: louise@touchpointcoaching.com  Web: http://touchpointcoaching.com