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Permission to Feel
Tal ben Shahar

Lost Arts
tom walsh

The Power of Forgiveness
Michael Wickett

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Permission to Feel
Tal Ben Shahar

One's suffering disappears when one lets
oneself go, when one yields -- even to sadness.

-Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
  

Imagine Main Street if we didn't rein in our emotions. Rude comments tossed at a passersby who fails to meet our unrefined esthetic sensibilities; obscenities running wild each time our expectations are frustrated; an uninvited growl and then a leap at a sexual object walking past. The rules of the jungle -- the product of impulse, impatience, and untamed power -- would launch a hostile take-over of our concrete jungles. Fortunately, we learn to suppress our base instincts, to civilize our uncivilized urges -- to hide our raw feelings and tame the ignoble savage.

Social ties would not hold, things would fall apart, if our emotions were always exposed. For who among us has not had an indecent feeling toward our colleague or best friend, that, if revealed, would endanger a partnership or relationship? Have we not all, in our minds and hearts, transgressed, violated in our imagination the most sacred commandments that hold our society intact -- lusted after our neighbor's partner, felt enraged enough to hurt another? So we become socialized and learn to impose emotion controls, issue restraining orders on our feelings. There are clear benefits to concealing some emotions, but there are also costs: like most human interventions with nature, the socialization process produces side effects.

While it's at times necessary to keep certain emotions out of sight (when we're on the street), it's harmful to try to keep them out of mind (when we are alone). Holding ourselves to the same standards in solitude, denying ourselves the permission to experience unwanted emotions or feel indecent feelings when we are alone, is potentially harmful to our well-being.

We are told that it is "improper" to display our anxiety when listening to a lecture, so we suppress any form of anxiety when we're writing in our journal. We learn that it is indecent to cry while sitting in a streetcar, and so we hold in our tears even when we are in the shower. Anger does not win us friends, and over time we lose our ability to express anger in solitude. We extinguish our anxiety, fear, and anger for the sake of being pleasant, nice to be around -- and in the process of getting others to accept us, we reject ourselves.

When we keep emotions in -- when we suppress or repress, ignore or avoid -- we pay a high price. Much has been written about the cost of suppression to our psychological well-being. Sigmund Freud and his followers have established the connection between repression and unhappiness; eminent psychologists like Nathaniel Branden and Carl Rogers have illustrated how we hurt our self-esteem when we deny our feelings. And it is not only our psychological well-being that is influenced by our emotions, but our physical well-being as well. Since emotions are both cognitive and physical -- effecting and being effected by our thoughts and physiology -- suppressing emotions influences the mind and the body.

The link between the mind and the body in the field of medicine has been well established -- from the placebo effect to the evidence tying stress and suppression with physical aches and pains. According to Dr. John Sarno, a physician and a professor at New York University School of Medicine, back pain, carpal tunnel syndrome, headaches, and other symptoms are often "a response to the need to keep those terrible, antisocial, unkind, childish, angry, selfish feelings . . . from becoming conscious." Because there is less of a stigma in our culture against physical pain than against emotional dis-ease, our subconscious mind diverts attention -- our own and others' -- from the emotional to the physical.

The prescription Sarno offers to thousands of his patients is to acknowledge their negative feelings, to accept their anxiety, anger, fear, jealousy, or confusion. In many of the cases, the mere permission to experience one's emotions does not only make the physical symptom go away, it alleviates the negative feelings as well.

Psychotherapy works because the client allows the free flow of emotions -- positive and negative. In a set of experiments, psychologist James Pennebaker demonstrated that students who, on four consecutive days, spent twenty minutes writing about difficult experiences, were happier and physically healthier in the long run. The mere act of "opening up" can set us free. Pennebaker, supporting Sarno's findings, recognizes that "Once we understand the link between a psychological event and a recurring health problem, our health improves." (p.9)

While we do not need to scream while walking on Main Street, or shout at our boss who makes us angry, we should, when possible, provide a channel for the expression of our emotions. We can talk to a friend about our anger and anxiety, write in our journal about our fear or jealousy, and, at times, in solitude or in the presence of someone we trust, allow ourselves to shed a tear -- of sorrow or of joy. 
  

Lost Arts

I used to write a lot of letters.  I enjoyed taking the time to sit down and think about what to say to a friend far away, what kinds of details to include, what kinds of personal thoughts to share with someone who knew me and liked me enough to keep in touch with me.  And even more than writing the letters, I liked receiving them.  I liked seeing the envelope, the way that it was sealed and full of mystery.  And I liked learning about my friends' lives--what was happening to them, what they were thinking about recently, how they were doing, what kinds of obstacles they were facing and overcoming.

Quite simply, though, I don't get letters anymore.  I don't know anyone anymore who likes to write letters.  I do get emails, and from some people I get a lot of them, but the emails simply aren't the same as letters used to be.  They tend to be shorter, more to the point, and more information-based.  They often don't even have a salutation, and people don't even sign them sometimes--I get just a message as if the person behind the message just doesn't matter somehow.

I have to admit that part of the reason I don't write letters any more is because people stopped answering them--I don't want to take the time and make the effort if there's going to be no return on that effort.  But perhaps letters should be like love should be--unconditional, sent with no strings (such as expectations of return) attached.

I do know that letters were valuable to me in a lot of ways.  In writing down the messages, I was forced to think more deeply about the subjects about which I was writing.  I had to think of ways to say precisely what I meant, and that often meant clarifying just what I did mean.  They forced me to think of what was going on in my life, sometimes helping me to remind myself of some very positive things that might have slipped my mind.  They helped me to feel in touch with friends and family, and they kept me focused on the many positive things that I wanted to share with others.

But now, letter writing seems to be a thing of the past, a lost art.  People used to share beautiful letters with each other, letters that shared their hearts and souls and inner passions, but nowadays, it's become rare to get a birthday card in the mail, even.

And there are other lost arts.  I used to bake a lot, but now I don't have the time or the audience, and I certainly don't want to eat all that I bake myself.  Spending the time preparing the batter, making sure that each ingredient was included in just the right measurements, was almost a meditative activity for me, and I loved going through the process.  And I loved even more eating the results.  But this art, too, has moved into my past except for on rare occasions.

And speaking of meditative activities, I also used to like to wash dishes by hand.  Focusing all my attention on the dishes and the soapy water helped me to center myself, to let the stress of the day leave me as I paid attention to the simple task at hand.  I still wash dishes, but not every day as I used to.  Some days, the dishwasher is simply too convenient.

It seems that most of the lost arts have to do with a loss of time to be able to partake in them.  Model building, putting puzzles together, going for drives in the country, gardening, even reading books--many of these things are no longer part of our lives because we simply don't have the time for them any more.  And I do miss them.  I do make it a point as often as I can to do things that take more time than I'd like them to, for I don't want to lose the ability to be spontaneous and to say the heck with time; unfortunately, though, those moments don't happen nearly as much as they used to.  Heck, when I was a kid almost everything was spontaneous all the time, and weren't those days something?

Let's make some time.  Let's carve some time out of our busyness to allow ourselves to do something fun, something that we enjoy a great deal.  After all, on the day we die, nobody's going to reward us for the time we spent at or on work, and nobody's going to punish us for time we spent enjoying ourselves and doing things that make us feel fulfilled.

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The Power of Forgiveness
Dr. Michael Wickett

James Allen once said, “People are anxious to improve their circumstances, but they’re unwilling to improve themselves; therefore, they remain bound.”  Now, if we want to have different circumstances, if we want to experience prosperity, loving relationships, peace, and joy inside, we’ve got to go inside and unbound ourselves and drop whatever is blocking our personal power. What I am talking about is the power of forgiveness.   

It isn’t always easy to forgive others because of what they did.  The ego makes a very strong case against them. And it builds up all of the reasons why they were so awful and why we’re going to resent them forever.  Did you know your ego will ruin your life?  And the world is filled with people who would rather be right than happy.  Some will go to their grave clinging to the idea that they would rather be right than happy, at least in their own mind.  Now is that what you want? 

There’s a beautiful old saying that the only wealth is life.  Sometimes it seems that only animals know we’re actually here to be happy.  So let’s please think about releasing old baggage. Let’s let go of the past. And I know that sometimes people do things that seem terrible and totally unacceptable.  There are some incredible things that go on in our society, cruelty and thoughtlessness, and I’m not suggesting it’s easy.  I’m saying it’s necessary if we want to be happy and empowered people.  We clean up the past because an unfinished past leads to an unfinished future. What follows is a powerful story of just what I am saying here, in action. It’s not an easy story to read by any stretch of the imagination, but I pray it inspires you.   

Sunday afternoons down in rural Kentucky, Tommy Pigage goes to church with a couple who could almost be considered step-parents, Frank and Elizabeth Morris.  He’s like an adopted son to them.  And after church they go out to eat. They go roller-skating on Thursday, and on the weekends they bowl together.  Tommy’s around a lot, even though he doesn’t live with them.  And not too long ago they had a beautiful luau for lots of friends at their Kentucky home, and Tommy spent a lot of time helping them prepare it. 

They have a very unusual relationship.  He’s not their real son; as I said, he’s kind of an adopted son.  Their real son, Ted Morris, two nights before Christmas, 1982, was on his way home while Tommy Pigage was at a party, drunk, making a fool of himself. His drinking had gotten out of control.  He left the party stone-drunk and blacked out at the wheel and hit 18-year-old Ted Morris head-on.  And he killed the only child of Frank and Elizabeth Morris. 

They had never heard the name Tommy Pigage until a couple of days later at the police station when they got the report.  And they dug out a yearbook; they wanted to see what he looked like.  They wanted to see everything about him.  Frank Morris said, “I saw him. He had long hair and he looked like a punk.  I hated the sight of him.  Of course there was no way I was going to like him.”  He took away their only son.  Ted was the opposite of Tommy.  Ted was a bright, polite, clean-cut kid who was a scholarship student.  Tommy was a drifter and a drunk from a broken home. 

Two weeks after the accident at the court hearing, Elizabeth saw him for the first time.  Her legs were trembling, and she felt rage when she saw the boy who killed their only son.  He got a 10-year sentence, which was suspended, and he was on probation for two years.  He had to attend counseling, and he had to spend every other weekend in jail.  He also had to submit to an alcoholism test, and if he was found to be drunk again, he would go back to jail.  And Elizabeth admitted that she wanted to see him dead, in the grave, just like her boy. 

Several months later Tommy Pigage was speaking at a MADD meeting, Mothers Against Drunk Driving.  And unbeknownst to Tommy, Elizabeth was in the back of the room, and she was waiting to hear what his story was going to be, still enraged, still hating him, wanting to see him dead.  And Tommy got up there, and he admitted that he had killed Ted Morris.  He admitted that his alcoholism was out of control.  He said that he felt horrible for the anguish that he had caused them.  He said he cried all the time, day and night.  And Elizabeth was not prepared for that at all. She began to feel empathy for him. It was difficult.  

When the meeting was over, she walked up to him and she reached out, and he thought she was going to slap him.  She put her hand on his arm and said, “Tommy, I want to acknowledge that it took a lot of courage to stand up here and say what you said.”  And as she left, he started to cry.  Days later, she couldn’t get him out of her mind.  She found out that he was from a broken home and he had nobody to love him and he had no direction and he had problems all of his life. 

A short time later he was drunk again, and so he went to jail for three months.  His most frequent visitor in jail was Elizabeth.  She started to look upon him like a son.  She started to feel nurturing toward this boy because she realized he was a human being who’d made a terrible mistake and she wanted to be someone who would love him.  Her husband Frank would not hear of it.  Her husband Frank thought she was crazy because he hated that boy and he wanted that boy to get his due and he wanted that boy dead.  And I think any of us could understand that. 

Well, over a period of time she developed a bond with Tommy.  And then she brought Frank in.  And little by little they started to connect.  Tommy started to read the Bible.  He wanted to change his life.  And one day he said, “I would like to be baptized.”  And Frank said, “All right, we’ll go with you.”  And they were there when he was baptized.  After the ceremony, Tommy, with tears in his eyes, looked at Frank and said, “Do you forgive me?”  What seemed like an eternity passed. And Frank said, “Yes.  I forgive you, Tommy.”  And after that, they kind of adopted him.  He calls them every day between four and five.  Elizabeth said she would miss it if Tommy didn’t call.  He’s become like step-son.

Now, he doesn’t replace their son Ted, their only child who died.  His bedroom remains exactly the way it was the night that he died.  He blew up a beach ball that night, and the beach ball 11 years later still sits on the bed.  Elizabeth won’t let anybody touch the room.  So he’s not a replacement for her son, and nothing would ever bring her son back, but they’ve developed a loving bond.  The story was so powerful there was a book written about it, and they were on many talk shows because it was one of the greatest acts of forgiveness that anyone had ever heard. 

Now I know it isn’t always easy to let go of the grudge, of the resentment, of the anger for what somebody did.  But you might want to think about the payoff.  When Elizabeth was interviewed, incredibly, she said, “The hatred was eating at me like a cancer. Now I can be happy and I can really live.”  And that’s what made such an impact on me.  It’s not a right or wrong issue; it’s the law of cause and effect.  When I talk about being a happy, empowered person, many times forgiveness is the bottom line.  It may be the single most challenging thing to do, but it’s the most necessary, and it just opens up your world. 

Many people have been through the long dark night of the soul.  Have you known some dark moments?  There’s a beautiful Chinese proverb that says, “Don’t curse the darkness.  Light a candle.”  Why don’t you be big enough to stand up and reach out to that other person?  Why don’t you be big enough to stand up and forgive?  It takes a lot of courage to do it.  It’s an incredible gift we give to ourselves because it releases our personal power and it literally sets us free. 

Dale Carnegie once said, “If half a century of living has taught me anything at all, it’s taught me that nothing can bring you peace but yourself.”  There’s no peace in the world.  There’s no peace that just “fixes” people.  It’s tough to change. It’s especially tough to change dramatically.  People are creatures of habit at a very deep level.  Peace is inside of us, and as we create peace inside of us in a very beautiful way, our life becomes peaceful and love and support comes back to us.  I can not explain how it happens but I’ve experienced it, and I’ve seen it lives of other people.  We release all that beautiful, powerful living when we forgive.

Charles Dickens once said, “We forge the chains we wear in life.”  And if you want to let go of your chains, then you want to let go of your judgments and your anger and your resentments.  Regardless of what others did, it’s too expensive to you. 

Forgiveness isn’t always easy, but it is essential.  It sets us free;  it opens up whole new possibilities.  Extraordinary and wonderful things can happen when we forgive and make peace with our past.  I’d like to give you some action steps that you can use if you feel as if you need to forgive, if this has touched you in a way that you know something like this needs to be done to release your own personal power.   

Number one, make a forgiveness list of all the people who’ve harmed you, and write down the specific thing the person did.  I forgive my mother for being critical.  I forgive the coach or the teacher at school, and tell what that person did.  And keep writing them and writing them until you feel the peace.  It might be a couple of days, a couple of weeks, even a couple of months.  It’s essential, however long it might take. 

Number two, write a letter to them and get all of your feelings out. Write a letter to your mom or your dad, your former spouse, your former spouse’s attorney. And write down your anger and resentment and what hurt you and what was awful and swear and rant and rave and do everything you need and then, most importantly, don’t mail the letter!  You read correctly; don’t mail the letter!  This isn’t about getting back at them; it’s for you. Forgiveness is not for them; it’s getting the baggage out of your life. 

And then number three, totally forgive yourself for anything you ever did or neglected to do.  Start writing forgiveness statements for yourself and let yourself off the hook.  Like everybody else, we did the best we could with the awareness and the self-esteem we had.  It’s time to take ourselves off the hook.  That’s every bit as much as hating somebody else or resenting somebody else.  So, please forgive yourself. 

And then if there’s anybody that you have a hard time forgiving, send a blessing of love to them.  Say out loud, “I send a blessing of love to you.”   And the payoff is freedom.  The payoff is real personal power.  The payoff is a wonderful life. 

There are no solutions in the outer world, only inside of us.  I have found that acts of forgiveness and the act of dropping the judgments and the blames and the anger is simply life-changing.  And I do it along the way whenever it becomes necessary. 

A.J. Muste once said, “There is no way to peace.  Peace is the way.”  Let’s go out there and let’s do whatever it takes to be at peace so that we can release our personal power and have the wonderful and glorious lives we so richly deserve.
   

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