When Harry discovered he had colon cancer, he was the administrator of a large insurance company.  The first in a family of farmers to attend college, he had excelled academically almost from the start.  He was known in the industry as a driving, politically sophisticated, and ambitious man whose career was his whole life.  His cancer had been caught early, and his prognosis was excellent.  Everyone had expected him to be back in his office as soon as his scars had healed.  But two days after he returned to work, Harry resigned.  It had taken everyone by surprise.

His company had suspected that he had received a better offer, but this was not the case.  Harry did not work for about a year.  Then he bought a vineyard and moved his family to it.  He has been growing grapes and making wine for the past five years.

"From the moment that I awoke from that surgery, Rachel," he told me, "I knew beyond a doubt that I was living someone else's life.  There had been so much pressure to succeed from my family; they were so proud that I had escaped from the hard life that we had led for generations.  I got caught up in the challenge of it all at first, wondering if I could do it, and then I just kept pushing it.  Somewhere in the process, I stopped listening to myself.

"My father was a farmer and my grandfather  and my great-grandfather.  My father had hated this work, but I am a different sort of man; I understand the land and it matters to me.  I know this work as I know myself.  I belong here in a way that I never belonged anywhere else."

We sat on the deck of his home, looking over a vast green sea of grapevines gently moving in the wind.  Pink roses grew along his fence lines.  Double indemnity and corporate life were another world.  As if reading my thoughts, he turned to me with a rueful smile:  "My favorite saying used to be 'My way or the highway.'  I was so proud to be living personally and professionally on my own terms.  It was hard to see that I had sold myself out so completely that I had not even noticed."

Integrity is an ongoing process, a dynamic happening over time that requires our ongoing attention.  A medical colleague describing his own experience of staying true to himself told me that he thinks of his life as an orchestra.  Reclaiming his integrity reminds him of that moment before the concert when the concertmaster asks the oboist to sound an A.  "At first there is chaos and noise as all the parts of the orchestra try to align themselves with that note.  But as each instrument moves closer and closer to it, the noise diminishes and when they all finally sound it together, there is a moment of rest, of homecoming.

"This is how it feels to me," he told me.  "I am always tuning my orchestra.  Somewhere deep inside there is a sound that is mine alone, and I struggle daily to hear it and tune my life to it.  Sometimes there are people and situations that help me to hear my note more clearly; other times, people and situations make it harder for me to hear.  A lot depends on my commitment to listening and my intention to stay coherent with this note.  It is only when my life is tuned to my note that I can play life's mysterious and holy music without tainting it with my own discordance, my own bitterness, resentment, agendas, and fears."

Deep inside, our integrity sings to us whether we are listening or not.  It is a note that only we can hear.  Eventually, when life makes us ready to listen, it will help us to find our way home.
       
   

There's no denying it:  criticism can (and often does) hurt.  But no matter what you do in life, you expose yourself to the possibility of being judged unfavorably.  Even if you try to remain in the background, avoiding all confrontation, you still must make decisions--minor ones, maybe, like where you eat and what you wear.  And, rest assured, not everyone will agree with your choices.

So, since you are going to receive criticism no matter what, let's take a closer look at how you can best handle (and even benefit from) it!

The next time you are criticized, consider the following points:

1.  Criticism is often nothing more than a reflection of personal preference.
Again, regardless of what you do, somebody won't like it.  For instance, to get feedback from the audience at my seminars, I often hand out speaker evaluations.  Without fail, two or three people will say that they wish there had been more time for audience participation during my presentation; at the very same program, two or three others will say that they wish there had been less time spent on group involvement.  Accept that people have diverse backgrounds, preferences, and interests.  You won't please everyone, so don't even try.

2.  Don't take it personally.
Sure, this is easier said than done.  However, the critic generally isn't trying to prove that you have no value as a person.  Rather, they're revealing their dislike of your idea or your performance.  Let them have their opinions.  In the end, you decide whether or not to let another person's remarks bother you.

3.  Strive to learn from their words.
Find some truth in their statements--even if only a shred.  Usually, there is some accuracy in critical comments. The critic may not be tactful, and the remarks may be greatly exaggerated, but there is often helpful information which you can glean.  It's your job to seek out this kernel of truth and benefit from it!  For example, let's say your spouse accuses you of "never" being on time.  While this statement is not entirely accurate, you should still consider in what ways, if any, you might improve your punctuality.

4.  Don't critique the critic.
It's an equally bad idea to adopt a "consider the source" attitude.  Even if someone is generally untrustworthy or, for whatever reason, you don't get along with him or her, it doesn't mean that their comments will always be completely without merit.

5.  Don't be defensive.
Resist the temptation to argue with the critic.  While it's only natural to try to prove that you are "right" and that the other person is "wrong," this generally gets you nowhere.  (Of course, there will be some instances where it's important to establish that you won't tolerate abusive remarks and that you deserve to be treated with respect.  Use your best judgment.)

6.  Accept that many people focus only on negatives.
The critic rarely gives a full, accurate assessment.  He or she tends to report only the negatives, even if there are plenty of positives to mention as well.  Recognize that some people simply think it's unnecessary to tell you what you've done right.  Instead, they focus only on "helping" you--which, to them, means "correcting" you.

7.  Realize that vicious, harsh comments come from people who are unhappy with themselves.
Here again, there might be a shred of truth or something you can learn from the criticism.  But I've found that mean, angry, insulting remarks spring from unhappy, insecure people.  They have to vent their anger and frustration on someone and you've been chosen as today's target!  Don't let these people bring you down.  NOTE:  If you repeatedly receive harsh words from others, it's not a coincidence.  You are attracting criticism based on your beliefs and your level of self-esteem.  Take responsibility and look inward at what you can change to achieve more harmonious relationships with those around you.

Remember:  not everyone will like you, your goals, or your actions.  But don't let the fear of criticism stop you from doing what you want.  Accept criticism as a part of life, and learn from it where possible.  And, most importantly, stay true to your own values and convictions.  If others don't approve, so what?

Jeff Keller is the President of Attitude is Everything, Inc.  For more than 15 years, Jeff has delivered presentations on attitude and motivation to businesses, groups and trade associations throughout the United States and abroad. Jeff is also the author of the highly acclaimed book, Attitude is Everything. For more information, go to http://www.attitudeiseverything.com

The Sweetest Lives
Elizabeth Barrett Browning

The sweetest lives are those to duty wed,
Whose deeds, both great and small,
Are close-knit strands of unbroken thread
Where love ennobles all.
The world may sound no trumpets, ring no bells;
The book of life the shining record tells.

The love shall chant its own beatitudes
After its own life working.  A child's kiss
Set on thy sighing lips shall make thee glad;
A sick man helped by thee shall make thee strong;
Thou shalt be served thyself by every sense
Of service which thous renderest.

Free Wallpaper!  Just click below on
the size your desktop is formatted to,
right-click on the picture that appears
in the new window, and choose
"Set as background."

800 x 600  -  1024 x 768

Living Life Fully, the e-zine
exists to try to provide for visitors of the world wide web a place
of growth, peace, inspiration, and encouragement.  Our articles
are presented as thoughts of the authors--by no means do we
mean to present them as ways that anyone has to live life.  Take
from them what you will, and disagree with whatever you disagree
with--just know that they'll be here for you each week.

All contents © Living Life Fully®, all rights reserved.
Please feel free to re-use material from this site other than copyrighted articles--
contact each author for permission to use those.  If you use material, it would be
greatly appreciated if you would provide credit and a link back to the original
source, and let us know where the material is published.  Thank you.