|
17
February 2009 |
|
|
| |
|
Being
defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what
makes it permanent.
Marilyn
vos Savant
|
If
at first you don't succeed, you are running about average.
M.H. Alderson |
There's
often just a subtle difference between "giving up" and
"moving on." We have to know when to do each in
its turn.
tdw |
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
The
Key to Building Your Personal Power
Lee Pulos
Self-esteem is the immune
system of the mind and of the spirit. Self-esteem is our
experience of feeling competent to cope with the basic
challenges of life and feeling happy and worthy and deserving of
happiness. People who have the greatest sense of self-esteem are
those who feel they are doing their life's work. Genuine
self-esteem is what we feel about ourselves when things are not
going right.
Self-respect has to do
with our value as a person, an inner certainty, a sense of
happiness, a feeling of success about life, and feeling worthy
enough to attract, allow, and receive love into our life. People
with a lesser sense of self-estimate — or esteem — find it
easier to give love than to receive it.
If you have a healthy
immune system, does that mean you will never get sick? Of course
not. But you will be less susceptible to illness and you will
experience a faster recovery. Having a high level of self-esteem
doesn't mean you will never be anxious, miserable, depressed, or
overwhelmed on occasion. The advantages of having a strong sense
of self and worthiness is that you have good shock absorbers. If
you are attempting to achieve a goal and hit a wall, you will
persevere. You may not always succeed, but you will succeed more
often than you fail. A top manager in one of the executive
seminars I was conducting said to the group, "I have been
knocked down five times — but I got up six." The average
CEO has had 3.2 major failures before succeeding.
|
|
|
People with a low sense of
self-estimate will go through the motions of persevering but will
fail more often than succeed. Our self-esteem generates a certain
level of expectancy, and expectancies become self-fulfilling
prophecies.
While our sense of
self-efficacy shows up in different areas of our life, it shows up
most prominently and consistently in the area of relationships and
love. If a person doesn't feel he or she is worthy of love, the
person will find it hard to believe someone else loves him or her
and will usually find ways to trust test — or sabotage — the
relationship in some fashion. Have you ever tried to tell or
convey love to a person who doesn't feel lovable? There just isn't
much you can do to convince that person.
Our self-esteem of course
will vary in different areas of our lives, and our effectiveness
level, performance, or success will correspond to our self-esteem
in that particular area. For example, you may have high
self-esteem as a manager and communicator of ideas, and your
performance or effectiveness level will correspond to your
self-estimate. You may have low self-esteem with mechanical things
or replacing parts and putting gadgets together, and your friend's
may lovingly call you a "klutz" in that area. You may
have average self-esteem as a parent or spouse, and your
competence in that area will correspond accordingly.
If you take all the areas of
your life and make a bar graph of high- and low effectiveness
levels, you will probably end up with a zig-zag profile.
Psychologists would average that out and come up with what is
called a "g" factor — or general level of self-esteem.
Of course, if you want to raise your self-esteem in a particular
area of your life, one approach would be to begin improving your
performance.
Perhaps taking a course on
effective parenting, joining Toastmasters, or taking a continuing
education course on public speaking and effective communication.
Not a good money manager? Take that night-school course on
financial planning . And so forth. As you raise your performance
and effectiveness level in different areas of your life, your
self-estimate in that area should go up accordingly.
In contrast to the
"bottom up" method of changing self-esteem is the
"top down" approach. Utilizing certain exercises to
change limiting beliefs in certain areas of your life — and of
course, re-educating and re-programming your subconscious with
affirmations, visualization, and/or self-hypnosis — will also
work in improving your effectiveness level in different areas of
your life.
Thus, self-esteem is the
reputation we acquire with ourselves. Our self-concept is broader
than self-esteem and is the umbrella, so to speak, that subsumes
our beliefs, our ideals, our body image — which is an important
part of our self-concept. It includes our liabilities, assets,
limitations, and capabilities, and self-esteem is one of its major
components.
Everyone, of course, is born
with 100% self-worth. You cannot pour more water into a glass that
is full to the brim. There are no "better thans" — or
"less thans." However, as we are growing up and begin
acquiring certain beliefs about ourselves — primarily from
well-meaning parents, teachers, friends, and so forth — we begin
to assess our value, our worth as a person. Some people
metaphorically take on so many barnacles, wounds, traumas, and
insults that they begin to re-evaluate and devalue their sense of
worth. Some people — despite their cruise ship of life being so
overburdened with barnacles — somehow develop survival skills
and go on to succeed. These people are called invulnerables in the
literature — and these are the people we should be studying.
What is it that these people are doing right despite horrific and
brutal histories filled with abuse and shame? We need more studies
of success — not just of pathology, which unfortunately is the
way most of us are trained.
The importance of
self-esteem was first drawn to national attention more than 40
years ago following the publication of Psychocybernetics by
cosmetic surgeon Dr. Maxwell Maltz. He described how he would
volunteer one morning a week and do cosmetic surgery on prison
inmates in the local penitentiary. After two years or so, the
warden called Dr. Maltz into his office and pointed out how the
men whose nose jobs and facial disfigurements were improved
through plastic surgery were not committing more crimes and
returning to jail following their release from prison. Dr. Maltz
realized that by changing their body image — which, as I noted
earlier, is a very important part of self-image — the convicts
felt better about themselves. He went on to describe self-esteem
as "the most important discovery of the 20th century."
However, this is not necessarily true of everyone.
In later writings, Dr. Maltz
described two female patients who had radical cosmetic surgery on
their faces. In assessing themselves after the bandages were
removed and all the swelling disappeared, the women looked and
looked at themselves — and very sadly and disapprovingly said,
"I don't look any different; not much has changed. I still
feel the same about myself." That was when Dr. Maltz realized
that self-image — for most people — was internal, not the
external trappings of what we call beauty.
Along the same lines, I
remember an almost painfully candid interview in which Elizabeth
Taylor described herself as "short, pudgy, awful thighs, I
hate my nose, my eyes are too far apart, I don't like the shape of
my face, I wish I could change my whole appearance at times."
That self-description — from one of the most beautiful women in
the world. No wonder she had such a series of self-destructive
behaviors: eating binges, drug and alcohol abuse, a number of
accidents and multiple surgeries, eight marriages, and so on.
Self-esteem is an inside job.
Let us now move on and look
at some of the qualities that people with high self-esteem share
to varying degrees.
The first quality is
that they are continually seeking the challenge and stimulation of
worthwhile goals. Goals, of course, are the purpose to all
human activity. It is not necessary or even possible to achieve
all our goals, but their purpose is to help us become more than
what we were. Goals are like dreams, and many people, rather than
dreaming their own future, ,allow themselves to be woven into
other people's dreams. There are two ways to create our reality:
to set goals and program an optimal future or to simply allow
whatever comes your way. Both are programs. Both work. High
self-esteem people love themselves enough to dream — to create
the future they will be stepping into.
High self-esteem people
realize that material things such as a fancy car or a mountain
condo are symptoms of success — but not true success. True
success is intrinsic — the way you treat yourself, your family,
other people.
People with a strong sense
of self-worth live consciously as problem-solvers —
having a respect for facts, for truths, being present in the now
when someone is talking to them. They have a passion for
self-awareness, for honest self-examination, an awareness of their
inner world — not just the external world. And they don't
anesthetize themselves with denial or addictions such as drugs or
alcohol.
Most importantly, they are
quick to forgive — themselves and others. They release the past
and don't try to make the present conform to the past by hanging
on to grudges or seeking revenge. They realize that it is not the
prisoners who spend more time in prison — but the warden. If you
are keeping someone as an emotional hostage, then you are the
prisoner. All healing has to go through the door of forgiveness.
High self-esteem people have
good boundaries. They can say no to what doesn't fit or seem right
for them. They can draw the line in the sand and firm their
boundary. The person who doesn't value himself or herself enough
to say no accepts an intrusion simply in order to please and adds
to the stresses of his or her life, unfortunately.
Another quality is that
people who value themselves value others and treat them with
respect. You will never hear racist, sexist, or ageist remarks
from people who feel good about themselves. They go out of their
way to honor, respect, and nobilize all people.
As indicated earlier, high
self-esteemers form nourishing rather than toxic relationships.
They have open, honest communication skills and look for clarity
rather than fearing it. If giving feedback, they take
responsibility for their feelings and instead of a
"you"-blaming remark will preface it with an "I
feel this way for what just happened."
Another component is
humility. That doesn't mean false modesty or apologizing for being
who you are, but regardless of how many times you have experienced
a person in a certain way – say, for example, the person is a
gossip or bossy — humility is being open to each moment in life
as something new — by not prejudging that so-and-so is a bore
but rather having the humility to let that person be different
this time. Humility is seeing each moment or experience as brand
new without judgment.
Altruism is another
quality of high self-esteem. Altruism is being helpful or of
service to others — whether by doing volunteer work, being a big
brother/big sister, or whatever you choose to contribute to create
a higher sense of well-being or even excitement. Women in one
social helping program reported that by volunteering for service
at a convalescent home for older folks, they felt a long-lasting
sense of deep inner satisfaction — even exhilaration — and an
increased sense of self-worth, less depression, and fewer aches
and pains.
People with a higher sense
of self-estimate also have a higher sense of accountability. Let
me give you an example. One of my friends called me not too long
ago, offered to buy me lunch, and wanted to talk about how
devastated he was, as his wife had run off with his best friend. I
thought "oh no! He wants to get into blame and
self-pity." So much for my humility in this instance. Instead
— despite his torment — he said, "Lee, you have known me
for a long time and you have been with my wife and me on many
occasions. What was it about me — what could I have done — or
didn't do that caused her to leave me?" I was almost in tears
— as I could feel his pain — yet he wanted to take
accountability for what had happened rather than give his power
away to blaming or "poor me's." In other words, he
acknowledged that he is accountable for creating his life, his
reality, that whatever he did — or didn't do — led to a very
sad chapter in his life, but also, he ended up, over time,
learning a great deal more about himself.
Finally, high self-esteem
people will argue for their magnificence and the magnificence of
other people — rather than for their limitations.
People
often ask me, "Is all this concern about self-esteem
something recent that has come about with the New Age
movement?" I always chuckle when I hear that because I know
that more than 2,000 years ago, one of the greatest Teachers of
all time said, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." You
cannot love thy neighbor if you don't love yourself. You cannot
give away what you don't have.
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
In his book, The 22 Non-Negotiable Laws of Wellness,
author Greg Anderson wrote, "Let us be about setting high
standards for life, love, creativity, and wisdom. If our
expectations in these areas are low, we are not likely to
experience wellness. Setting high standards makes every day and
every decade worth looking forward to."
He also reminded us that, "When we change our perception
we gain control. The stress becomes a challenge, not a threat.
When we commit to action, to actually doing something rather than
feeling trapped by events, the stress in our life becomes
manageable."
There are times when it's easy to feel overwhelmed and trapped
by situations that we'd rather not face. These situations might
even be extremely unfair.
It's easy to focus on how terribly unfair someone might have
treated us. It makes sense to believe that unfair things should
not be happening. Simply pretending that a problem doesn't exist
is much easier than dealing with it directly. However, stress
builds, the situation doesn't change, and it might grow worse.
In fact, focusing on the way things should be instead of
dealing with the way they are can lead to disaster, both
physically and emotionally.
Winners set high standards for dealing with problems. They set
rules for what they will accept and expect from themselves and
others. They realize that it won't work to stay on a road of
denial, and it won't work to lash out against unfair situations by
resisting what is true. They have a much more workable plan.
Indeed, winners keep a positive outlook. However, they know
that they must do much more than simply think in a positive way.
They mobilize resources and prompt new solutions. Self-confidence
and courage allow them to take responsibility for situations, and
take well-planned problem-solving actions.
When a solution is not possible, they take valuable lessons
from the event. They know there is tremendous life-time value in
all experiences.
Ask yourself: What are my standards for dealing with
problems? What are my boundaries for the behaviors, attitudes,
and actions I will accept from myself and others? What are the
highest standards that I will expect myself to live by at all
times in each important area of my life?
Establishing and living with high personal standards can prove
to be a tremendously liberating and life-changing move. It can
help in making wise and informed choices. It can assist us to
experience more peace, contentment, and prosperity today and
throughout the years to come!
© Copyright Steve Brunkhorst. Steve coaches
talented individuals who want to enhance their sense of personal
empowerment, self-confidence, and creativity. He is also the
editor of Achieve! Ezine, inspiring, motivating, and
entertaining 60-second nuggets to lighten up your day, and help
you reach a greater level of achievement. Steve invites you to
visit his website today at http://www.AchieveEzine.com
|
|
| |
An
Excerpt from Seasons of the Heart
John Powell, S.J.
Tommy had
been the resident atheist in my Theology of Faith course. As
he was turning in his final exam, he asked me if I thought he
would ever find God. "No!" I blurted, and
then as he turned to leave, I added: "You won't find
Him. He will find you, Tom." He did not seem to
be much impressed or affected. I thought he missed my
point.
Five years
later he came into my office. He was dying. His body
was badly wasted with a terminal cancer. He had only a few
weeks to live. He reminded me of that last day in
class. He told me how, when he learned that he had terminal
cancer, he pleaded with God to come and console him. Then he
related that one day he gave up all hope of making contact with
God. But he remembered another day in class. I had
said that there were two essential life tragedies: one was to
live without loving, and the second was to love without sharing
that love with others. They need our love and we withhold
it.
So he told
me how he went trembling to tell his father: "I love
you, Dad." Then to his mother and little brother.
He added: "Then, one day I turned around and God was
there. He didn't come to me when I pleaded with him.
Apparently he does things in his own way and at his own
hour. But the important thing is that he was there. He
found me. You were right. He found me even after I had
stopped looking for him."
I invited
Tom to come to my class, to tell them his story, how opening our
hearts to those we love is God's open door into our lives.
Love is indeed God's port of entry. Tom said he would come
to my class, but he didn't make it. However, just before he
died, we had one last talk. He told me that he wouldn't be
coming to my class. Then he asked me: "Will you
tell them for me? Will you. . . tell the whole world for
me?" I promised I would. "I'll do my best,
Tom. I'll tell them."
Thank you
for listening.
|
|
Through Seasons of the Heart
John Powell, S.J.
A strong and compelling series of daily
meditations taken from several of Powell's books, this
volume's strong focus on love and self examines many ways of
strengthening our relationships and of developing our daily
and spiritual lives in loving ways. |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
Living
Life Fully, the e-zine
exists to try to provide for visitors of the world wide web a
place
of growth, peace, inspiration, and encouragement. Our
articles
are presented as thoughts of the authors--by no means do
we
mean to present them as ways that anyone has to live
life. Take
from them what you will, and disagree with
whatever you disagree
with--just know that they'll be here for you
each week. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
Eyes
Wide Open
tom walsh
Here's What I
Want
I was thinking
the other day about the things that I truly want in life.
It's kind of funny, but riches and fame and material things didn't
even make the list. While I would like to have enough money
to be financially solvent, and I would like to stop losing money
in certain ventures, it truly isn't one of my highest priorities
in life. We have enough to get by, and enough to get by is
enough. And I trust that if an emergency comes for which
we'll need more, we'll have more.
But my list
was more involved with the things that make me feel valuable, and
that make me feel accepted and loved and appreciated. And
many of the things that I want, I already have, so my list isn't a
wish list, but a want list of wants that are for the most part
fulfilled.
Here's what I
want, in no particular order:
1. I
want to receive messages that validate me or my actions.
They don't have to be huge shows of gratitude or appreciation or
admiration, but it helps me a lot to hear that somebody has
noticed what I do and does appreciate it. Most of us do a
huge amount of work that no one ever acknowledges, and we often
wonder if our work is worth it. A simple "nice
job" now and then can do wonders.
2. I
want to see evidence that I'm accepted for who I am, just as I
am. Again, the evidence doesn't have to be lavish or
extreme, just a little kind word now and then that tells me that
some people appreciate my presence.
3. I
want to see indications that I'm doing things well.
Ironically enough, I've found that the people who do the best work
hear the least feedback, for there's no need to correct
them. While I don't need feedback in order to continue to do
things well, it can provide that "breath of fresh air"
that can help us to go on with what we're doing.
4. I
want to see signs that my future is bright. If I work very
hard to make the present positive, it can be very discouraging not
to have any indication that what I'm doing today is going to
affect the future in a positive way.
5. I
want to hear words of encouragement. They help me to put
things into perspective, and they help me to put more energy and
effort into the things that I do.
6. I
want to be reminded of my value as a person.
I do have
value, and I know in my heart that my knowledge of that fact is
all I really need, but what a lift it is when someone else takes
the time and makes the effort to remind me of this!
7. I
want to receive assurance that I matter, that I count for
something in this world. If I start to think that I'm just
using up precious air, water, food, and space, life can become
very difficult to get through. I know that I do matter, but
do others recognize it, too?
8. I
want to believe truly that I've made a difference in the world,
some way, somehow. This would let me know that all of my
efforts haven't been in vain, and haven't gone unnoticed or
unused. Even if it's a very small effect, almost
unnoticeable in this huge world of ours, just knowing that I've
contributed something positive would make a great difference to
me. Why
do I tell you these things? That's simple--look around
yourself sometime today, and notice all the people who are there
with you. Try to remember that all of these people, no
matter their age, size, religion, race, nationality, or gender,
would love to have these very same things. Your husband or
wife, your daughter or son, your parents, aunts, cousins, and
neighbors, all would benefit from someone giving them even one of
these gifts. The woman at the register in the supermarket,
your co-workers, your boss or your subordinates or the waiter in
the restaurant--any of them would love to hear words that would
fulfill one of these wants. And
what's even more important is the fact that you have the ability
to fulfill these wants. It doesn't cost you anything at all,
and the potential benefits are huge. If these wants go
unfulfilled, people find anger, depression, frustration, envy, and
all sorts of other things to take their place. The
power to change the world is in your hands, and it's in my
hands. If we start to fulfill these wants in other
people--on a very regular basis--we can start to transform this
beautiful world that we live in. So,
who will be the first beneficiary of your giving?
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
Free
Wallpaper! Just click below on
the size your desktop is formatted to,
right-click on the picture that appears
in the new window, and choose
"Set as background."
800
x 600 - 1024
x 768 |
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
Instant Feel-Goods
Larry Lipman
Over-tip breakfast
waitresses.
Hide a love-note for your child or honey to see.
Every once in a while, take the scenic route.
When you feel terrific, notify your face.
Be the first to
smile.
Let cars in traffic.
Take a night class.
Plant flowers. And
smell them.
Forgive someone who
doesn't deserve it.
Wear wild, shocking
underwear under business attire.
At grocery check out,
occasionally allow others in line.
Or offer change.
Go to a Bookstore.
Always have a
motivational tape in your car.
|
Tape record your
parents' or childrens' laughter.
Put your photos in an
album.
Watch a sunset.
Watch a sunrise.
Every once in a
while, let adventure rule.
Start your day with
music.
End your day with
music.
Love someone who
doesn't deserve it.
Buy a bird feeder.
Take a bubble bath by
candle light.
Count your blessings.
Giving is receiving.
Team
Building Success Coach Larry Lipman leads groups of 11 to 24
with interactive, fun activities that boost morale, motivate people
resistant to change, and appreciate individual differences and
strengths. http://www.Funteambuilding.com." |
|
| |
|
|
