John Foster Dulles

Ideally, every human being ought to live each passing moment of their lives as if the next moment were to be their last.  They ought to be able to live in the constant expectation of immediate death and to live like this, not morbidly, but serenely.

Arnold Toynbee

Hello, and welcome to this week's issue of our e-zine.  Another Tuesday
is now a part of our lives, and we have many choices as to what we want
to do with that Tuesday.  What's in your plans for this new day? 

You Don't Have to Do It Alone
Laura Berman Fortgang

Negative Thinking Never Helps
Jeff Keller

Talking Down
tom walsh

Please feel free to contact us at info at livinglifefully.com (no spaces, replace at with @), or
on our feedback page.  Living Life Fully home - e-zine archives - Daily Meditations
Don't forget that you can receive an e-mail reminder each time that our e-zine is published, a free
e-mail of our daily quotations and/or our weekly Digest.  Click here to learn more!

You Don't Have to Do It Alone
Laura Berman Fortgang

To multiply the number of opportunities available to you and your chances at succeeding at making a change, it makes sense to get other people involved in your quest.  At the same time, it's wise to choose those people carefully.  A support system is crucial to keeping you going; however, even if your own fears haven't crept up to deter you, you may have to deal with the fear that others project on you.

Who is on your team?  Who have you recruited to egg you on and catch you if you fall?  Most people naturally have people in their life with whom they share goings-on, and yet there is so much more room to make a support system a bigger and better designed part of your life.

Support can come in many forms, and it can reach you across state lines and even oceans.  It does not depend on proximity.  The key is putting some thought into recruiting and instructing the team.  Your team will become your reservoir of courage, should you encounter further moments of doubt.  It is a pool you want to dip into, so you have to be sure the right folks are in it.

Before choosing or confirming who your support system is, let's look at what support means to you.  Do you need cheerleaders?  Do you need people who can listen without judging or advising?  Do you need a kick in the butt or a hug and a kiss from those on your team?  Defining support is as important as having it.

Miguel had never really thought about what kind of support he wanted.  He had just naturally fallen into a pattern of relying on his friends and family to hear him out when he needed to complain or, as he put it, feel sorry for himself.  When asked what kind of support would really be useful for him, he realized that he would probably feel better faster if his support system did not let him complain so much.  Instead, he wanted them to help him turn his problems around and stop indulging his pity.  He approached each of his usual supporters and let them know that the next time he called them to complain, they had his permission to remind him that he could do something about it.  He then asked that they spend the time brainstorming with him instead of just listening to him.  Now when he got stuck, he got out of it faster and found that he could do this for his friends as well.  Miguel felt he was no longer an occasional burden to his supporters, and his relationships improved because of that.

All this may make you wonder what kind of support you provide those around you.  Do you support them in their pain or in their power?  Funny enough, not everyone wants to be supported to be their best.  Some people actually get their needs met by staying frustrated or in pain.  They get attention and sometimes sympathy, and they don't have to take responsibility for their problems.  They may just like it that way.  With that said, it may be difficult to understand why anyone would choose to support their friends and loved ones to be anything less than they can be, but it happens all the time.  We get used to how people are, we forge behavioral patterns, and we forget that we can influence them.  We also might feel too threatened sometimes to fully support someone.  If supporting them means that they may move ahead of us, or otherwise do something that affects our life negatively, we might willingly (or unwittingly) become less supportive.

Being supportive does not necessarily mean that you only agree with the person you are supporting.  However, it does mean that you are constructive and are not tearing the person down or being mean-spirited in your concern for them.  It's OK to disagree or play devil's advocate, but it is imperative to have respect for the person and the situation they face.

If you turn it back around to how you would  like to be supported, recognize that you can instruct--and yes, sometimes even train--those around you to give you the support you need.

It may sound selfish to imagine instructing other people on how they can support you.  But it doesn't need to be selfish or sound imperious in any way.  It may be unusual, but it is an example of being mindful and purposeful in making your life what you want it to be.  I'm sure you've heard many a CEO or leader say that they succeed by surrounding themselves with a team of intelligent people.  You are, in essence, building a team.  You are not giving people direct pieces of your goal to accomplish for you, but you are forming a team that can buoy you and keep you going.  Just as you would not expect a significant other to meet your every need, neither will your support system members be uniquely equipped for every function.  Some may be better cheerleaders or strategists, and others may be more useful for brainstorming or hand-holding.

The opportunities to ask for their support may come as part of a formal request or in your casual, everyday interactions.  It may mean asking them to lunch to help you with something or asking them to hold you accountable for what you are trying to change, or it may just mean asking them to speak to you differently if they have indeed said something insensitive.

At the risk of sounding insensitive myself, people, like puppies, are trainable.  You can set boundaries, correct behavior, and redirect their negativity--all for the good of your new life direction and the future of your relationship with that person.
   
      

Living Life Fully, the e-zine
exists to try to provide for visitors of the world wide web a place
of growth, peace, inspiration, and encouragement.  Our articles
are presented as thoughts of the authors--by no means do we
mean to present them as ways that anyone has to live life.  Take
from them what you will, and disagree with whatever you disagree
with--just know that they'll be here for you each week.

I've never had someone come up to me and say, "I'm always negative and it's working out great for me. I can't wait to get up in the morning!" And yet, positive thinking still has its skeptics.

Some people tell me that positive thinking doesn't work or that it's "unrealistic," especially in today's turbulent world.

"Look around you," they say. "How can you be so positive?"  Well, let me ask you this:  can the world be lifted out of negativity by adding MORE negativity?

The truth is, there are certain things that negative thinking will do for you.  It will make you sick.  It will make you very unpleasant to be around.  And, it will significantly limit what you can achieve.

Let's take a closer look at why negative thinking doesn't serve us.  For starters, we all operate under the Law of Dominant Thought.  Simply stated, we're always moving in the direction of our dominant thoughts.

Most of us have heard about the "self-fulfilling prophecy"--that we get what we expect in life.  Expect negative results and, sure enough, you'll produce negative results.

As I'm sure you've found, negative thinking also causes you to feel more stress and to have less energy.  Scientific studies have demonstrated that negativity weakens your immune system.  How many times have you gotten sick during a stressful period in your life?

If you're still not convinced about the effects of being negative, take out a sheet of paper and write down your list of all the benefits you're getting from negative thinking.  I think your list is going to be very short, if you come up with anything at all.

Let me make an important distinction here.  It's quite natural for a person to feel sad in response to a tragedy or the death of a loved one.  There's a period of loss and grieving that differs for each individual, and we don't expect a grief stricken person to be positive in the short run.

However, even a person in that situation will not be served by holding onto their negative thoughts indefinitely.  (By the way, if you've suffered some trauma or have had a difficult time releasing negative thinking, by all means get counseling.  That's not a sign of weakness.  It's a
constructive step to help you move forward in your life.)

Doing What Comes Naturally

From everything I've observed, babies are naturally positive.  They're usually smiling and seem to be enjoying life.  I haven't met any negative, frowning babies.  That's why I don't buy the argument that negative thinking is just natural.

Those who think negatively do so out of habit.  They have conditioned themselves to think that way. In Western societies in particular, we've developed the tendency to focus on minor irritations, even though these annoyances are only a tiny part of our overall lives.  We tend to focus on the 5% of our lives that are going "wrong"... instead of the 95% going well.

We'll sigh and tell everyone about the traffic jam or flat tire on the way to work.  Yet, we'll never comment about the miracle of our existence--the billions of cells in our body that somehow allow our brain to function, our heart to pump blood or our eyes to see.

We don't appreciate that we have enough food to eat or that we have a roof over our heads, while there are millions of people who don't have these gifts.  It's no wonder that so many people think negatively.

The newspaper is filled with negative news.  Television and radio reports dwell on tragedies and crimes.  How often do you read or hear about people helping each other or doing something positive?  Hardly ever.  If you do nothing to counteract this bombardment of negativity, you're going to think negatively.

At any time, however, you could take control of this situation.  You could stop watching and listening to all of the negative news and read something positive instead.  You could limit your contact with "toxic" people and make sure your life is filled with positive inputs.

If you did that, your "natural" inclination would switch and you'd begin to think positively.

Quick Mental Exercises

I'll show you that you have much more control over your thinking than you might believe.  Try this experiment.  Right now, think about your favorite movie.  You might even get a picture in your mind of your favorite scene in that movie.

Now, let's think about your favorite meal.  What is it?  A fresh salad ... a juicy steak ... grilled salmon?  Whatever it is, just think about it.  Now that your mouth is watering, let's move on.  Think about being out in a snowstorm, with two feet of snow on the ground.  Can you see the snow and feel the cold on your toes?

In each case, you were able to control what you thought about.  You could shift your thinking in an instant.  It has been said that positive thinking is harmful because optimistic people ignore things that can go wrong or are easily duped and taken advantage of.

In other words, if you expect the sun to be shining all the time, you're just naive and are sure to be disappointed.  But positive thinking doesn't mean that you ignore reality or refuse to consider the obstacles that might arise.  On the contrary, the positive person expects a positive outcome but
prepares for overcoming obstacles.

For example, if a positive person is planning an outdoor wedding, he or she won't use the power of positive thinking to make sure it doesn't rain on the big day.  Rather, a positive person is prepared with contingency plans, focusing on things that she can directly control, such as having a
tent available in case it does rain.

By this point, I hope that you're receptive to the idea that negative thinking won't help us.  So, the question is: how can we change our thinking to become more positive?  The answer, simply stated, is that you must change what goes into your mind every day.

Start by eliminating as many of the negative inputs as possible. While you can listen to the news for a few minutes to catch the important headlines, there is no need to hear reports of the same murders and bombings over and over each day. At the same time, replace the negative inputs with positive stimuli.

Read positive materials on a daily basis. Listen to positive audio tapes or CDs, or to music that inspires or relaxes you.

Here's another technique: monitor your everyday language.  When you find yourself beginning to complain or talk negatively, switch immediately to something positive. Say something like, "I really have so much to be grateful for" and start listing some of those things.

Condition yourself to focus on constructive solutions to challenges, rather than harping on problems or fretting about things outside of your control. Make a commitment for the next 30 days. Think about what you want instead of what you don't want.

Think about what you're grateful for rather than what you believe is missing in your life. Saturate your mind with the positive. After 30 days, you can then decide whether to keep focusing on the positive or to revert to your negative thinking pattern. I think I know which one you'll choose!

Jeff Keller is the President of Attitude is Everything, Inc. For more than 15 years, Jeff has delivered presentations on attitude and motivation to businesses, groups and trade associations throughout the United States and abroad. Jeff is also the author of the highly acclaimed book, Attitude is Everything. For more information, go to http://www.attitudeiseverything.com

There's one thing in life that I don't let people get away with, and that's talking down about themselves.  No, I don't punish them or chastise them, but I always correct them--I won't let a self-deprecating comment go by without countering it with some sort of positive reinforcement.  This annoys my step-children to no end--they always say "But I was just joking," or "I didn't really mean it."  And that's probably true--they didn't really mean it.  But I don't let the comment slide for several reasons.

First of all, I know the power of negative self-talk.  Saying bad things about ourselves can lead us to believe them, even if we start out "just joking."  What happens if we make a negative comment about ourselves and no one disagrees?  There's a part of our minds that will tell us "Hey--no one's arguing!  Maybe they agree with the comment!"  This seems to be the case especially with young people who are in their "developmental years" (though aren't we all always in those years?).  Especially in our culture, though, we're taught to learn things through indirect methods ("Ask Rob if he likes Sally"), and we come to expect to learn things about ourselves more through what other people say--or don't say--than through other more direct means.

Secondly, I see such comments as an opportunity for encouragement.  As an adult, I am a role model.  Period.  I can choose to accept that role, or I can choose to reject it.  As a role model, it's important to me to provide young people in my life with a healthy, encouraging, helpful way of being, and most of what people learn from me or of me has to do with what I say and what I do.  But there's also the more subtle side:  what do I let slide?  What do I let go by without comment or action?  Even among people my own age (wouldn't you lie to know?), I know that it's important to encourage whenever I can, and not to let an opportunity to encourage go by.  I don't know if that particular person needs encouragement at the moment--yes, they may be fishing for a compliment, but they also may be in a very needy time of their lives.  I'm not concerned with judging why a person is needy, but I do want to recognize it when a person is needy.

(By the way, this can only go so far--after the third or fourth repetition of the same negative comment, I'm much more likely to tell a person to knock it off than to encourage.  There's a certain point when the concept of hard love kicks in.)

Third, I want anyone else who might have heard the comment to know that at least one person finds such comments to be completely inappropriate.  I don't want to let someone talk themselves down and have someone else think that it's normal or acceptable to do so.  Someone has to say something, and this is another role that I'm willing to assume.  If our 13-year-old hears her 15-year-old sister make a comment insulting her own physique, for example, and no one says anything about it, she just may find the same or similar flaws in herself and start to worry about them.  If she hears someone tell her sister that she shouldn't make the comment because she's fine just the way she is, she still may find the same "flaws," but she also may be much more accepting of them just the way she is.

Life is about other people--loving and helping and encouraging them.  Doing that will give us meaning and fulfillment in life, and neglecting it will harm us.  We have to be aware, though, that the only people who can counter another's self-sabotage through deprecating self-talk are those who hear the talk.  We have to counter it--I know that I would have been spared years of negative self-image if anyone had bothered to counter my negative ideas about myself when I was younger.  Now that I'm old enough to do so for others, I counter it every chance I get.

Alone in his car heading west, it's easy for Jason to feel sorry for himself and mad at the world.  But then he gives a ride to Hector and learns life isn't as negative as we sometimes see it.  The friendship between this young man and his 70-year-old passenger is an inspiring story of love and of dealing with obstacles in life.  It's a story that you'll treasure long after you've finished reading.

Three Cavaliers, Tom Walsh's second published novel, is now available in book form!  Click on the image to the left to order!