There is a certain peace in being alone that we simply never shall
find if we're always surrounded by other people. Why, then,
are we so often afraid of being alone? Solitude is really
the only state in which we can accomplish the reflection that we
need to understand our lives and our selves, and it's in solitude
that we're able to develop the strength that allows us to deal
with many of life's setbacks and obstacles. When we're alone
we can tap the creative depths of our minds and hearts without the
distractions and tangents that are introduced to us by
others. Our aloneness is a healthy, marvelous place, yet we
somehow learn to fear it--we somehow learn that if we spend time
alone, there's something "wrong" with us.
In my life, solitude has been an extremely valuable asset, though
for many years I saw it as a curse. I simply didn't want to
be alone, and I wanted to be with other people. My very
nature, though, was geared towards solitude, for I never really
enjoyed many of the things that other people do to avoid being
alone; especially difficult for me was the way that alcohol was so
often a major part of most "social" gatherings.
Having grown up in a family with an alcoholic parent, I simply
didn't want to be around people who were drinking.
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Even as a
child, I spent a lot of time alone, reading or drawing or writing,
while the rest of my family watched TV (another activity I'm not
particularly fond of). When I was alone as a grown-up,
though, I spent most of my time wishing I were with other people
rather than taking advantage of my alone time.
There are many things that we can do when we're alone that we
simply can't do when we're with other people. In solitude,
we have time for more reading, more reflection, more walks alone,
more hiking and camping in places that other people probably
wouldn't want to go. Yes, it is great to share experiences,
and the company of our fellow human beings can be one of the most
important elements of life, but it's also important that we accept
our solitude when we've been gifted with it and use it to fulfill
some of our deep needs that can't be filled when we're in groups
or even part of a couple.
Some people
view other people's solitude as selfishness, as
Sarah points out below. But just as rest and
relaxation are necessary to keep ourselves strong
and able to deal with our lives, solitude can
provide us with a spiritual and emotional
rejuvenation that can make us stronger and more
resilient in the face of life's challenges.
Not all of us can find the means to spend two weeks
alone whenever we feel like it, of course, but
solitude doesn't necessarily need to be extravagant
or extreme. Sometimes it's as simple as going
into another room with a book and closing the door
behind us. Sometimes, the long walk in the
morning can be a balm that soothes our nerves and
allows us to ponder life and consider the challenges
we're facing.
For me, the solitude is a beautiful experience in
itself, but it also helps to strengthen other
experiences. Just as the best meals I've ever
had have come after times of having very little to
eat, some of the best times I've spent with others
have come after time that I've spent alone.
When I've spent time in solitude, I tend to listen
more when I'm with others, and I tend to appreciate
their presence more. I don't feel a need to
talk as much, and I'm able to just be with the other
people without having any expectations or
preconceived ideas of how people should act or what
they should say. And I know, when this
happens, that it's one of the many benefits of
having spent time alone and learning even more how
to value myself and be comfortable with myself just
as I am.
Why does our
society value keeping people in groups as much as
possible? In part, it's because when we're in
groups, we spend more money. But also, being
with other people helps us to deal with many of our
fears of being alone in life, our fears that we're
somehow not good enough, somehow rejected by our
fellow human beings. Many years ago, Blaise
Pascal said that all of our miseries result from not
being able to sit in a quiet room alone, which
implies that we do not feel comfortable being alone
with our own thoughts.
Being with a group--or even with just one other
person--means that we never have to
experience our thoughts as deeply as we can, or as
fully as we can. Our thoughts frighten us,
because when we do sit alone in a quiet room, we
sometimes find ourselves thinking things that we
don't necessarily want to think--but that we need to
think if we're ever going to work our ways past the
fears and insecurities that those thoughts
imply. Being alone allows us time to work our
ways through our thoughts and feelings, and we can
come out of our aloneness with a new resolve, with a
new sense of strength that can come only from
knowing ourselves a bit better and feeling more
confident of what we want and our ability to fulfill
our own wishes.
Solitude is
within our reach almost all the time. Of
course, I'm not going to find a lot of solitude when
I'm in my classroom with 25 students, or if I'm
working in a store serving customers
constantly. But if we consciously search out
the moments of solitude that can help to rejuvenate
us--those few minutes that we can spend completely
with ourselves and our own thoughts--then we can use
solitude to make our lives richer and fuller.
And even in the crowds, according to Emerson,
solitude is within our reach: the great
person, he says, is the one "who in the midst
of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the
independence of solitude." It's a matter
of perspective, and a matter of effort, but the
solitude we crave and need is always available to
us.
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more on
solitude
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