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I think so many of us are too hard on ourselves for
what we didn't accomplish or what we should have
done. The first step is to forgive yourself for all
the things you didn't do that you should have and all the
things that you did do that you shouldn't have. Get
rid of the guilt. Negative feelings don't do you
much good. The way to deal with them is to forgive
yourself and forgive others.
Forgiveness is a tricky term. It does not only
mean that you apologize, although regretting what you did
is part of it. You may want to make amends if you
can, but there are some circumstances where there is
nothing more you can do. Even when you cannot mend
fences with others, you need to tell yourself:
"Yes, I did it and it would have been better if I
hadn't, but now I want to forgive myself for having done
that negative deed."
Forgiveness helps you come to terms with the
past. I've learned how to forgive myself, and this
has helped me no longer feel deep regrets or sadness about
my past.
For twenty years, I went around feeling terrible about
the fact that I had treated a colleague very meanly.
He was in an organization with me, and I did not want to
lead a group with him. For all those years I carried
around the guilt that I had been unkind to him and that it
wasn't right. When I saw him again recently, I went
up to him and said, "Look, I've carried this burden
for twenty years. I really feel terribly apologetic
for what I said and did to you, and I really want to ask
your forgiveness."
He said, "Oh, it's perfectly all right. I
remember the time when I was feeling dejected and low and
you put your arm around me and were comforting."
I felt tears in my eyes because of the generous way he
responded to me and the relief I felt.
There's a difference between using your past and
wallowing in it. Say I had an experience with a
nasty person and I got nasty back, but I don't want to be
that way anymore. I can use that experience to work
out a different response whenever someone is not so
pleasant to me. If I don't like my reaction, I can
change my response.
You can review your past, benefit from your successes,
and learn from your mistakes without judging
yourself. This is an excellent time to do a life
review, to make amends, identify and let go of regrets,
come to terms with unresolved relationships, and tie up
loose ends.
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To
his family and friends--and to the millions who saw
him interviewed three times by Ted Koppel on
Nightline--Morrie Schwartz became an inspiration
because of his willingness to talk openly about the
intimate aspects of facing imminent death.
Letting go offers Morrie's remarkable philosophy on
living and dying. It is a compassionate,
unforgettable guide to caring for the mind and
spirit when the body grows frail. |
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